Previously on Beaverprise…

Driver: Err…You need a lift?

Michelle: Yeah, I don’t know where I’m going but I’m sure you can take me there!

Michelle gets in the car.

Alex: Ha! No wait…The ship must have been attacked…

Captain: And destroyed! Noooooooooooooooooo! My beloved pride and joy, the essence of my manhood!

Boba Muffett: I did, you bastard! Don’t make this any harder on me! Let’s head back to my secret hideout, where I can mourn in my privacy.

B6B: So when are we going then?

Kif: He should be alright to go in about 20 minutes I should think.

Paul: And what are we supposed to do for 20 minutes? Reminisce about past adventures? How poor and how much of an obvious time filler would that be?

Bones: I shall set the co-ordinates to Yarnellia, where I shall attend my course in the art of seduction. I mean…medication!

Michelle: Let’s go!

Jack Beaver, Jr: So who blew up the ship then? I thought I’d better ask seeing as nobody else has even mentioned it!

Alex: Well I can only presume that Andrew did, seeing as he’s the only one who doesn’t have an alibi.

The Door Suddenly Swings Open…

Alex: My God…its You!

The following takes place between 1pm and 2pm, 2 months later…I mean, on the exact same day.

13:00:00

Captain: Well yeah, who did you expect?

Alex: Maybe some forgotten foe from my dark twisted past.

Captain: Yes, its me! Justin!

Alex: So we haven’t done this for a while!

Jack Beaver, Jr: Done what?

Alex: Jack who?

Captain: Shhh…You fool! It’s two minutes after the last hour, not two months! No one must notice!

Incoming Transmission: We have just received word from Earth that a nuclear bomb has gone off in Los Angeles, there were no survivors. End transmission.

Robert: Earth? Who cares, there are plenty more hospitable planets in our solar system.

Captain: God dammit.

Alex: What’s wrong?

Captain: I’ve got writers block!

Alex: Is that where you cant think of something to write next?

Captain: …

Jack Beaver, Jr: Does anyone else hate it when these things go on longer than they probably should?

Alex: Shut up you freak!

Captain: This shall become our Matrix Reloaded to our original Beavertrix!

Alex: Almost time for Revolutions the way we’ve been going!

13:07:02

A pod drifts silently through space, heading slowly towards the planet of Marnok 5.

13:07:58

In The Atmosphere Of The Outer Regions Of The Planet Yarnellia…

Michelle: Where are we?

Bones: …In the atmosphere of the outer regions of the planet Yarnellia…

Michelle: Yeah, sorry! I only just read the auto-cue

Bones: Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready to land?

Michelle: Yes I am. Yes I am. Yes I am!

Bones: Alright, I heard you the first time!

They land.

Bones: We have got to begin some epic trek that will take hours so we can find out what has happened to everyone else.

Michelle: But that doesn’t make sense!

Bones: But what does?

Hobo: What does indeed!?!

13:18:22

At Sandman’s Sand Inc.

B6B: Right it’s time to go! We’ve waited long enough!

Zip Finnigan: For what?

Kif: Didn’t you have a bullet ripped out of you only moments ago Sir?

Zip Finnigan: Moments, Hours, Weeks, Months, Years…What’s the difference!?!

Paul: What are you talking about?

Moe: What happened 20 minutes ago you freak!

Paul: What when we were in makeup?

B6B: Er…yeah, makeup!

B6B looks around suspiciously before putting his compact back into his jacket pocket.

Moe: So what happened to your beard B6B?

B6B: It was a just a piece of Velcro. I can chop and change whenever it feels right.

Zip Finnigan: Oh yeah, baby…6Billion!

Paul: I don’t get it.

Kif: So are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready to leave?

Moe: Yes I am!

B6B: Yes I am!

Zip Finnigan: Nah!

Kif: Well we’re going anyway, so tough luck!

As they start to leave Boba Muffett and Monica Lewinski Masked Person walk through the door.

Boba Muffett: What? What are you all doing here? I thought you were all working!

Bohn: Err…Yeah, working!

Boba Muffett: Where are you going? Anyone for Alton Towers? Or the pub? Or Ed’s barbeque?

Fohn: Where is Bex? Something is horribly wrong! She is always with you, and sometimes with me, and you.

Monica Lewinski Masked Person pulls off that mask.

Zip Finnigan: Dear God!

Boba Muffett: Bex?

Bex: (gruff voice) Moowhahahahahahahahaha!

Fohn: What? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Fohn rips a shotgun from Moe’s hands and blasts Bex into oblivion. (Not the ride)

Paul: What have you done?

Fohn: Well, just killed Bex…obviously

Paul: Oh sorry, I wasn’t looking.

Bohn: That’s okay, I’m sure it was captured on one of the cameras!

Paul: Oh yeah look! There we all are! Look at Fohn’s face as he kills her! Oh the hilarity! Can we email it to everyone?

Zip Finnigan: Yeah! Lets send it to Bex@I_Just_Got_Killed.com

Boba Muffett: So seeing as my life is over and you used a Dell computer to send that email I might as well help you escape, even though you could just walk through the front door.

B6B: Let’s go! See you in freezer hell Muffett!

Boba Muffett: Can I come please?

Paul: Yeah, but you better not sweat!

13:33:17

In the shuttle…

Alex: Oh wow I’ve just got an email!

Captain: So they let us back into the episode then?

Alex: Yeah, they reckon it was poor that we came back from the “dead” so they’re trying to phase us out again.

Captain: You mean kill us?

Alex: Pretty much!

Robert: It’s alright, I didn’t go to Alton Towers either!

Alex: What?

Robert: Yup, it’s poor!

Jack Beaver, Jr: So where are we going?

Alex: To the laboratory, at the WBF centre for the criminally un-insane!

Captain: There’s nothing left for us here now…In this vast emptiness of space.

Alex: Yeah, apart from this hilarious picture!

The Ship Veers To The Left And Heads Back Towards The WBF…

13:41:01

On Yarnellia…

Michelle: How long is this going to take?

Bones: I said before…About two hours! Less if you stop asking stupid questions!

Michelle: What’s for dinner?

Bones: The yarnellites themselves mooowahahahaha! Yeah so…a microwave dinner for two.

13:44:01

Outside Sandman’s Sand Inc.

B6B: So how are we escaping from this god forsaken place?

Boba Muffett: We can take my ship if you like.

Moe: Sounds good!

Boba Muffett: Make sure you give me a prod though, if I happen to nod off mid-flight! Oh and I charge 5.44 for Starship fuel per person!

B6B: Err…

They Board Boba Muffett’s Ship, the Boba Express

B6B: It’s not as good as my ship. I’ve got a fridge in mine!

Boba Muffett: But then my internet connection is faster!

B6B: Ah touché!

Zip Finnigan: So let’s get going already, to where ever it is we might be going!

Boba Muffett: To Alton Towers and Beyond!

They rocket off into space.

13:57:40

“The” “Pod” “lands” "On" “Planet” “Marnok 5”…

The Pod Opens, The Mist Starts To Clear As A Figure Carrying A Computer Chip Emerges From Within…

A Marnokilian: Look daddy Markonite! Its an alien!

Daddy Markonite: My God! That’s no Alien! It is a human! Gasp! Such a creature has been non existent from our planet for years! Let us rejoice!

Human: What the bloody fucking hell?

A Marnokilian: What the bloody fucking hell indeed, Daddy Markonite!?!

Daddy Markonite: I couldn’t have said it better myself son.

13:59:57…13:59:58…13:59:59

14:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Alex: I’ve just received word that there was a large explosion in the area that we left the Starship Beaverprise all those weeks ago! Maybe we should send some drones to check it out!

Captain: Seeing as there was also an explosion around the time Andrew sent that message to us, we’re going to fly back to find the Beaverprise in a shuttle, which I must add, will be less cramped than those pods we flew around in earlier!

B6B: Come on! I’m going to untie you!

Paul: We’re free! Free!

Kif: No we can’t! We need to get this bullet out of his arm first!

The Monica Lewinski Masked Person shoots out one of Michelle’s tyres, causing the car to spin around 360 degrees, like Megan’s head, and eventually dive head first over a cliff.

Suddenly someone appears from the cliff edge.

Michelle: How unlikely was that? It’s a good job I’ve jumped out of cars going over cliff edges before!

She instantly collapses onto the ground. Laying perfectly still.

The following takes place between Midday and 1pm. Refreshments are now available in the lobby, or are they?

12:00:00

Michelle slowly gets back onto her feet.

Michelle: Where am I? Who am I? What am I? But most importantly: Where am I?

She begins walking in a random direction along the road.

12:00:59

In the shuttle travelling to the Starship Beaverprise.

Alex: So who wants some food? Seeing as it’s lunch time and all!

Captain: Yeah, maybe an in flight movie too!

They open the hatch where the food is kept and some freak falls out of it.

Alex: What the hell?

Robert: Let’s kill him!

Captain: Err…It’s Jack Beaver, Jr!

Robert: Yeah and he’s eaten all our food! Let’s kill him!

Jack Beaver, Jr: Well not all! I did leave some of these cookies!

Robert: What good are cookies now, you bastard!?!

Alex: What the hell are you doing here?

Jack Beaver, Jr: Because you needed me for hour 17!

Alex: If we don’t think of something constructive to write there wont be an hour 17

Captain: Yeah whatever! So we forgot about you and you just thought you’d get in on a little bit of the action!

Robert: Pretty much!

Alex: Not you! That other freak!

Jack Beaver, Jr: Nah, I was hungry, wanted some food and this was all I could find!

Captain: Fair enough! But we only have enough oxygen for two people! You’re jeopardising our mission!

Robert: What about me?

Alex: Ah we were going to kill you half way!

Robert starts breathing erratically.

Captain: Nooooooooooooo! You’ll use up all the air!

Air: Bastards!

12:10:02

Michelle is still walking in a random direction, but not quite as random as the way we have been writing this…

A car pulls up alongside her.

Michelle: What do you want?

Driver: Err…You need a lift?

Michelle: Yeah, I don’t know where I’m going but I’m sure you can take me there!

Michelle gets in the car.

Driver: So, how’s it going Michelle?

Silence.

Driver: Michelle?

Silence.

Driver: Err…You sitting next to me! You are Michelle right?

Michelle: Oh me? I don’t know who I am, must be some sort of amnesia or something!

Driver: Didn’t we have some sort of sordid affair, back in college?

Michelle: Yeah that sounds about right…who knows though. I can’t remember a thing.

Driver: At the moment I’m heading back to my legendary ship, I have to get to Yarnellia for a doctors convention back on my home planet Yarnellia.

Michelle: Yarnellia? That sounds some how familiar, yet somehow unfamiliar

Doctor: Well, your welcome to join me.

Michelle: If I’m to join you, would you mind telling me who the hell you are?

Doctor: Of course, I’m Bones. I’m a doctor that practises on and around Planet Yarnellia. I specialise in sordid affairs with potential amnesiacs.

12:19:34

In the shuttle travelling to the Starship Beaverprise.

Alex: Sir, we’re exactly where the Starship Beaverprise should be…And I can see nothing but wide open space

Captain: Space, eh? The final frontier…I mean, what you’re saying is The Starship Beaverprise has been somehow hot-wired and stolen from us, along with the ship we have lost all of our valuable possessions…and Andrew.

Robert: Our possessions? Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Alex: How unlucky is that?

Jack Beaver, Jr: I don’t mean to interrupt, but look out the “window” for a second!

Through The Window: Roberts Sleeping Quarters Float Past

Robert: Noooooooo! My bed, and all of my cuddly teddy bears.

Alex: Ha! No wait…The ship must have been attacked…

Captain: And destroyed! Noooooooooooooooooo! My beloved pride and joy, the essence of my manhood!

Jack Beaver, Jr: Yeah…and the ship is destroyed too!

Captain: You bastard!

Alex: This can’t possibly be! So we’re going to wake up any minute now…

Alex wakes up.

Alex: So it was all a dream!

Captain: No you fool! You fainted at the thought of it all being over.

Alex: Noooooooooooooooo!

12:25:34

Captain: So many fond memories…well memories anyway…

Alex: Yes, and so much time to fill, in which to remember them!

Jack Beaver, Jr: So R.O.B.E. and Andrew are really gone, dead. Never to be seen again, if only I’d known them I would have at least some feeling of regret and remorse.

Alex: Here’s a picture of R.O.B.E. with Andrew when we went on our annual camping trip last year!

Jack Beaver, Jr: Cool! What a legend, look at Andrew kicking that tent!

Alex: No that “Tent” is R.O.B.E. in his robot guise.

Captain: I feel a flashback of epic proportions coming on…

Robert: Nah, that’s just a mild stroke you’re having.

Previously on Beaverprise…

Logging into R.O.B.E....Bought to you by a non-profit organisation.

R.O.B.E: The time sponsored by Wormfeeder is exactly 21.32 hours, sir I will activate the autopilot as you requested at 21.45hrs.

R.O.B.E: Oh well! Maybe once I have gone crazy and killed the whole crew in a tragic accident, I shall take control of the Starship Beaverprise!

R.O.B.E:Hello

R.O.B.E: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

R.O.B.E: I’m on £3.60 an hour and they didn’t give me a pay rise when I was 18 either. I have to get up at 6 in the morning so that I can milk the cows and feed the chickens, and if I’m lucky they’ll let me go home by 5!

Captain: What the hell are you talking about R.O.B.E.?

R.O.B.E: Hey! I’m her husband I think I should know! She’s, er, erm……I can’t even remember what she looks like!

Look-a-like R.O.B.E: Hello! My name is David…I mean, R.O.B.E!

R.O.B.E: He needs a lesson in time efficiency

R.O.B.E: Exactly! Anyway, it all began ten years ago, when I was pushing drugs on the streets of San Diego…

R.O.B.E: Self Destruct Sequence Initiated…

R.O.B.E.: We’ve got to the point where we’ve got to implement a story

R.O.B.E: Years of porn research lost forever!

R.O.B.E: Easy for you to say, I can’t even move!

R.O.B.E: Watty why do you have to try and be involved with everything we do, Beaverprise is the one thing I have where you aren’t right next to me the whole time, piss off!

R.O.B.E. has become annoyed because he didn’t appear in this episode and so has disconnected you from the server. If you wish to destroy him in some way hit any key now.
Now you fool!

End Of "Memory" Sequence

Captain: That’s not much to show for three years is it?

Alex: That’s debatable!

Robert: Oh R.O.B.E. how we knew him well…

Jack Beaver, Jr: What about Andrew though? Did he have no part to play in your brilliant adventures?

Alex: Nah, not really! Anyway we couldn’t find any quotes for him.

12:40:22

In the Boba Mobile…

Boba Muffett: I’m glad we stopped off for those burgers. There’s nothing like a good feed after a satisfying killing.

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) But I thought you loved Michelle!

Boba Muffett: I did, you bastard! Don’t make this any harder on me! Let’s head back to my secret hideout, where I can mourn in my privacy.

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Watch porn in privacy?

Boba Muffett: Mourn you fool! Now hurry up we’ve got to get back to my secret hideout. I’ve got be at Safeway’s in a couple of hours!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) So by secret hideout, you mean: Sandman’s Sand Inc?

Boba Muffett: Indeed!

At Sandman’s Sand Inc.

Kif: Zip seems to be recovering quite rapidly, seeing as we got the bullet out of him less than an hour ago!

B6B: So when are we going then?

Kif: He should be alright to go in about 20 minutes I should think.

Paul: And what are we supposed to do for 20 minutes? Reminisce about past adventures? How poor and how much of an obvious time filler would that be?

12:46:23

At The Doctors ship…

Bones: Welcome to my ship Michelle, it’s not much but it is home.

Michelle: Wow! This place is great, it somehow reminds me of a ship I may have been in before.

Bones: Allow me to show you around, here’s my legendary bedroom and double bed where I seduced many a woman, here’s the kitchen where me and patient no. 32 first made sweet love, and here’s my on-suite prison where I hold captive any woman that doesn’t want anything to do with me…

Woman: You bastard! You will die for this!

Michelle: It’s Err…cosy!

Bones: I shall set the co-ordinates to Yarnellia, where I shall attend my course in the art of seduction. I mean…medication!

Michelle: Let’s go!

Woman: Yeah, let’s!

Bone’s ship flies off in the direction of Yarnelia. The camera flies alongside the ship for about 10 minutes, displaying the marvellous camera work and the excellent CGI on offer.

12:58:06

In the shuttle…

Alex Suspiciously Looks Around At Everyone In The Room…

Robert: What? I didn’t do it!

Alex: Do what exactly?

Robert: Mooooowahahaha! Wouldn’t you like to know!

Alex: Nah.

Jack Beaver, Jr: So who blew up the ship then? I thought I’d better ask seeing as nobody else has even mentioned it!

Alex: Well I can only presume that Andrew did, seeing as he’s the only one who doesn’t have an alibi.

The Door Suddenly Swings Open…

Alex: My God…its You!

12:59:57…12:59:58…12:59:59

13:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Life Guard: You bastards! You’ve killed my dear friend, the Hobo!

B6B, Paul Moe And Kif Are Still Tied Up, Zip Lies On The Floor Motionless…

Kif: Then he’s dead! Hooray!

Transmission: No! You must save me from the clutches of these evil maniacs!

Policeman: Oh my god! What a hideous assortment of dead bodies! Nooooooo!

Captain: Dunno, I’m not in charge. Anyway, where the hell are we going to go?

Alex: To save Ed and that WBF bloke!

Robert: If only Andrew were here…Andrew! What the hell happened to him?!?

The Starship Beaverprise, the scene of so many fantastic happenings is sitting silently in space.

It suddenly blows up in a massive ball of flames and metal.

Alex: Incoming transmission from the Beaverprise, sir! It must be important.

Transmission: What the Bloody Hell!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

The following takes place between 11am and Midday. Unless it doesn’t and we’ve been lying to you the whole time.

11:00:00

Stereotypical Black Son: What the bloody hell, indeed!?!

Captain: It sounds like Andrew’s woken up, so something must be wrong!

Alex: I’ve just received word that there was a large explosion in the area that we left the Starship Beaverprise all those weeks ago! Maybe we should send some drones to check it out!

Captain: Or maybe we should check it out!

Alex: Yeah, drones!

Stereotypical Black Wife: Aren’t you supposed to be saving Ed?

Captain: Yeah, but he can wait!

Alex: I’m guessing that everyone’s thinking we forgot about Andrew and just remembered at this point in time, so we inserted him into this ludicrous plot line!

Captain: Nah, it’s a pre-determined plot, with every vital ingredient in place.

< Insert Vital Ingredient Here >

Stereotypical Black Daughter: Andrew, who?

Alex: Let’s go then! He sounded like he was in trouble!

Captain: Ready a shuttle for us!

WBF Dogs Body: Right away sir!

Robert Arrives At The WBF By Means Unknown. He casually walks into the control room.

Captain: How the hell did you get here?

Robert (raising one eyebrow): By means unknown you fool! Moowahahaha!

Alex: Moowahahaha? That wasn’t in the script! Suspicious!

Captain: So what’s happened to everyone else? Weren’t you with Zip Finnigan?

Robert: Yeah, but I was in the toilet and they all disappeared, so I thought I’d come and find you guys…By means unknown!

Alex: Wow! This is like your legendary return to Safeway. Reuniting us all! All you need to do is make up a lie about some Russian girlfriend and the circle will be complete!

Robert: Yeah, she’s with her parents in Russia!

Stereotypical Black Son: But Russia was destroyed by the re-formed Nazi party in 2087, so where does your truth lie now, you bastard!?!

Robert: That’s irrelevant! My dealings with the KGB don’t need to be brought into this! What’s more important is that I just remembered that Andrew was left on the Starship Beaverprise!

Alex: Suspicious that you remembered that at the exact same time that we received a transmission from him, stating, and I quote: “What the bloody hell!?!?!?!!”

Robert: What are we going to do then?

Captain: Seeing as there was also an explosion around the time Andrew sent that message to us, we’re going to fly back to find the Beaverprise in a shuttle, which I must add, will be less cramped than those pods we flew around in earlier!

Stereotypical Black Son: We’ll need guns! Lot’s of guns…

Alex: No you freak, we’ll need coffee! Lot’s of coffee! Just in case Andrew’s fallen asleep again!

Stereotypical Black Daughter: Zip, who?

11:10:02

On Palmer 2 at Sandman’s Sand Inc.

Moe: This rope feels so soft against my skin!

B6B: Shut up Moe! You’re delirious! Take a leaf out of Zoidberg’s book!

Dr. John Zoidberg: You’re the only one that can see me B6B, because you’re hallucinating! And how!

Kif: Ahhh! The little people won’t leave me alone!

Paul: You freaks! Haven’t you ever been tied up and brutally tortured before?

B6B: Tortured? Not recently!

Moe: So how the hell are we going to get out of here? With Zip dead only a miracle could save us!

Zip’s body begins to stir. He’s alive!

Dr. Zoidberg: What’s with all the miracles? When Zoidberg needs a favour nobody wants to know!

Zip Finnigan: He hurted me real good!

Kif: How do you feel sir?

Zip Finnigan: How the fuck do you think I feel? I’ve got a bullet lodged beneath my skin! Just as soon as I get it out I’ll be fine! Hey crabby, give me a hand!

Dr. Zoidberg: Now Zoidberg can play God!

Paul: What? Don’t call me crabby you freak!

Zip Finnigan: Sorry, it’s the blood talking!

Kif: Try and get up!

Zip takes one look at his wound and faints, knocking himself unconscious.

Kif: Great! Now what?

11:15:45

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Now what?

Boba Muffett: Didn’t you just say that?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) No!

Boba Muffett: We’ll keep following Michelle until we give up, or even she gives up. Whichever happens first!

11:17:55

Michelle: Hey look, there’s some sort of hilarious hitch-hiker! Let’s pick her up!

Megan: Is it my mummy?

Michelle: No you freak! She’s dead! We threw her in that ditch along with all the other bodies we managed to accumulate!

They stop the car and the woman gets in.

Michelle: Hi mum!…I mean, who are you?

Woman: Hi, my name’s Teri!

Instructor: Gasp!

Michelle: Megan! Stop strangling my new found boyfriend!

Instructor: Boyfriend? Waheey! I do so much more than teach people to drive!

Michelle: Oh yeah, I’ve been staring at your package for the whole journey!

Instructor: Yup, I’ve got to deliver this baby to the insurance agency! That’s the life of a driving instructing postal worker!

Teri: Err…Aren’t you married to Ed?

Michelle: How the hell would you know about that?

Teri: There’s a lot I know, that no-one else cares about!

Michelle: So where you heading, bitch…I mean, Teri!?!

Teri: I’m trying to find some evil doctor, who I’ve apparently been having some affair with. Now that my husband, Jack Beaver is dead, what more can I do?

Michelle: Fair enough, but I wont tell if you don’t!

Teri: Deal!

Megan: Yeah, but I might! Mooowhahahahaha!

Megan’s head spins around 360 degrees, whilst her eyes turn yellow and her skin a dark green as she spits out some devoured flesh.

Instructor: Who wants pop tarts!?!

11:28:23

At Sandman’s Sand Inc…

B6B: Come on! I’m going to untie you!

Kif: What? How did you get yourself free?

B6B: With a little help from my trusty Zoidberg!

Moe: Stop with the crabs already!

B6B: No, Zoidberg, the name of my trusty penknife!

Kif: Yeah, whatever! Just get us out of these ropes!

Paul: We’re free! Free!

B6B: What are we going to do with Zip? He’s out cold!

Moe: Cold, eh? Maybe if we throw what’s left of this cold cup of coffee over him!

They do just that.

Zip: Wha? What the hell? Coffee?

Paul: Let’s go!

Kif: No we can’t! We need to get this bullet out of his arm first!

B6B: Zoidberg’s a doctor, we can use him!

Moe: I thought he was a knife, like my Suzie!

B6B: Knife? Yeah let’s use him!

And so begins a twisted over long operation to remove the bullet from Zip’s arm. We shall spare you the gory details, but just think how Zip is feeling…

Zip: Aaararrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You bastards! Noooooooooooooooooooo!

11:43:45

In the shuttle travelling to the Starship Beaverprise.

Captain: What a legendary shuttle!

Shuttle: Ah, thanks!

Captain: It’s a pleasure!

Alex: So, we haven’t seen the Beaverprise for a while, which is kinda poor!

Robert: What the fact that we haven’t seen it, or the ship itself?

Alex: Both.

Captain: You know we haven’t seen R.O.B.E. for a long time either!

Alex: Yeah, it was a good run, whilst it lasted!

Robert: I wonder what insane things him and Andrew have been getting up to?

Alex: Porn and sleep. What their lives consist of basically!

11:45:54

At a roadside Café…

Megan: Wow! These are real nice pop tarts!

Instructor: Aw shut up! You little brat!

Megan: Fuck you!

Teri: So I suppose we’d better be on our way!

Michelle: I’ll decide when it’s time to go!

Boba Muffett enters the café.

Michelle: Oh God, he’s caught up with us! Come on, we’ve got to get back to the car!

Instructor: We can get out the back way, if we break all the rules of the café code and I steal their computer to distract everyone!

They all run out of the back door, along with the computer, as Boba Muffett catches a glimpse of them in the corner of his eye.

Boba Muffett: Come back!

He races out of the café and back to the Boba Mobile, as Michelle drives off in front of them.

Boba Muffett: Let’s go! Drive you fool!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Err…You’re driving now! We swapped over when we filled up with petrol, because I was getting tired!

Boba Muffett: I knew that!

It’s not long (but long enough to fill up the rest of this episode so we don’t have to write anymore) before the Boba Mobile catches up with the inferior car that Michelle is driving.

Michelle: Megan you know what to do!

Megan opens her window and hangs out firing a sub machine gun at the Boba Mobile.

Megan: I’m out of ammo! What now?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) That little brat’s shooting at us!

Boba Muffett: Well shoot back you fool!

The Monica Lewinski Masked Person shoots out one of Michelle’s tyres, causing the car to spin around 360 degrees, like Megan’s head, and eventually dive head first over a cliff.

Michelle: Noooooooooooo…

Teri: …ooooooooooo…

Megan: …ooooooooooooo!

Instructor: If this had happened on your test you would have failed!

The car lands at the bottom of the cliff with a massive crash.

Boba Muffett: Michelle! Noooooooooooo!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Well our work here is done!

Boba Muffett: Pretty much! No one could possibly survive a fall like that and just come out with a few scratches and bruises, though we never actually saw what happened after they went over, so anything is possible!

They drive off in the Boba Mobile.

11:58:56

Suddenly someone appears from the cliff edge.

Michelle: How unlikely was that? It’s a good job I’ve jumped out of cars going over cliff edges before!

She stands up and looks down at the burning wreckage below.

Michelle: Megan? Instructor? Teri? Pop Tarts?

She instantly collapses onto the ground. Laying perfectly still.

11:59:57…11:59:58…11:59:59

12:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Transmission: And here is that troll…My lovely wife, Rosemary!

Transmission: Yes, that was the one you call “Ed”. We are holding him to ransom, along with the Stereotypical WBF Leader. You must hand over the contract to the universe or your friends will be no more!

Captain: No, we can’t let the universe fall into the hands of beavers…I mean, Pure Evil!

As Michelle runs off the Hobo throws himself in front of the Boba Mobile.

Hobo: Oh my God! I’ve been insanely crippled from my neck down, but I’m still alive! What a cruel twist of fate!

Max Baxter: It appears to be deserted!

Michelle runs towards the water in slow motion and dives into the deep abyss that is the sea.

Moe: So you’re evil then?

Max Baxter: Yeah! It’s true, it’s all true!

Max Baxter ties B6B, Paul, Moe and Kif up, whilst leaving Zip for dead.

Boba Muffett: Yeah so we were shooting into the water and were wondering if we’d killed anyone!

The Life Guard turns the body over revealing it to be…

Boba Muffett: Michelle? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The following takes place between 10am and 11am. Events occur in chronological order.

10:00:00

…The Hobo! No, not Michelle!

Boba Muffett: What have I done?

No, it wasn’t Michelle! Hello? Is anyone listening to me?

Life Guard: You bastards! You’ve killed my dear friend, the Hobo!

Boba Muffett: How do you know it’s the Hobo?

Life Guard: It says so right here on his homeless person’s ID card!

He shows Boba Muffett the card, reading: Hobo, The.

Boba Muffett: So it wasn’t Michelle? Thank God! You’d think we’d have noticed, what with the beard and the hideous features!

Life Guard: He was such a great hobo. We had such a hobotastic time together in the summer of love!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) What!?!

Somewhere nearby…Michelle climbs out of the water.

10:03:21

On The Planet Palmer 2…

B6B, Paul Moe And Kif Are Still Tied Up, Zip Lies On The Floor Motionless…

B6B: Get up Zip you freak!

Moe: Yeah get up your lazy bastard

Kif: Yeah!

Paul: Shut up Kif!

Zip:…

Paul: Shut up Zip!

Moe: What? He didn’t say anything!

B6B: Didn’t he? Maybe he said something but just too quiet for us to hear

Paul: No he didn’t say anything

Kif: Then he’s dead! Hooray!

B6B: Err…

Kif: Oh right! I mean, Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Moe: You meant hooray just admit it. I don’t blame you.

10:06:43

Meanwhile…well not meanwhile but just after…at the WBF

Alex: Captain Shough, you have a call held on 12-206

Captain: Well answer it then! What do I pay you for?

Alex: Ironically you don’t actually pay me, this is a personal position soaked in revenge.

Transmission: This is the WBF leader, I’m some how sending this illegal transmission in a vain attempt to save my self

Alex: Illegal? Quick, cut him off!

Transmission: No! You must save me from the clutches of these evil maniacs!

Stereotypical Black Son: Father?

Transmission: No! Cut me off!

Captain: So where are you? Quick, give us all the plot details!

Transmission: Muffled Voices…Hey what the hell are you doing? Ed? Nooooooooo!

Alex: He’s been cut off!

Bloke: And who put you in charge of the WBF controls?

Captain: Oh you know, that weird guy! That one that looks like a racoon!

Bloke: Oh? Dave! Okay then! Sorry to interrupt!

Alex: We have to save them now! It seems that Ed has become some sort of alcoholic and will probably kill Milham before the hour is out!

Dave: Lets go!

10:11:42

Michelle is speeding away from the docks in a stolen car.

Michelle: Wow! I managed to dry off, learn to drive, steal this car and make sure my hair was perfectly in place in less than 8 minutes! How great am I?

The Guy Who Michelle Had Stolen The Car Off Who Is Also A Legendary Driving Instructor: Yeah! That hairdryer and comb I lent you really paid off!

Michelle: All that in 8 minutes! Who knows what could happen next!

Megan: Maybe we’ll find my dead mother in the boot of this car that has nothing to do with us!

Michelle: Yeah, if your lucky!

Megan: Bitch!

Michelle: Oh my god! It’s the police!

Instructor: I told you to stop at that traffic light!

They stop the car and the policeman walks over to them.

Policeman: So…This your car?

Michelle: No we stole it off my boss and hid him in the boot! I mean, no we stole it so that we could kidnap Megan and get out of LA before the bomb goes off! I mean, no I’m having a driving lesson, duh!

Policeman: Driving lesson? That explains the trail of blood you left behind you! And that mangled corpse I can see sticking out of the boot! May I take a look?

Michelle: Be my guest!

The Policeman walks round to the boot and opens it.

Michelle: As long as he doesn’t find the drug stash we’ve got hidden back there I don’t give a damn!

Policeman: Oh my god! What a hideous assortment of dead bodies! Nooooooo!

The Policeman Has A Heart Attack…

Michelle And The Driving Instructor Along With Megan Go And Have A Look In The Boot…

Michelle: Hobo Baggins?

Instructor: What a waste of human life! And my legendary boot has been ruined!

Megan: Mummy?

Michelle: Well here’s part of her!

Instructor: And here’s another part of her!

The Instructor Waves A Limb Around In The Air

Megan: A hobo, a life guard, my mum, your boss, Stevo and John Doe 47! How did they all fit in there? And why? And when? Aaargghhhh! This is all too complicated for an 8 year old like me!

Michelle: How? By means of a chainsaw probably. Why? I think that’s obvious, When? Ages ago if you consider the smell…But yeah, how?

10:24:34

In the Boba Mobile…

Boba Muffett: It’s a shame we had to kill them all!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Yeah, but why those people who had nothing to do with it, and who was that strange beaver like creature who you killed just because he was there?

Boba Muffett: Stop asking so many questions and follow that trail of blood.

They speed off, following the trail of blood that must end somewhere.

10:30:01

Back on Earth, Somewhere in LA…

Jill Razor: Wow I can’t believe we’re getting married in less than three hours!

John Doe 48: Yeah, we will do once these government agents leave.

Jill Razor: I hope they don’t kill my father.

Kate: Oh, don’t you? I think he’s some sort of secret CIA agent posing as a terrorist, or to be more precise, he’s a Mr. Young look a like.

Jill Razor: Well at least we’ll always have mother!

Kate: Nah, she was arrested last week for tax fraud.

John Doe 48: Hey Kate, come on, I want to show you something!

Jill Razor: Aw, can I come?

John Doe 48: Nah! You’ll see it soon enough! For now we’re keeping it secret, keeping it safe.

Kate: What is it? Where are you taking me? Dear God, you freak! Nooooooooooo!

John Doe 48: What? It’s only my collection of stamps, that I stole from Jack Beaver.

Kate: Oh that’s ok. I thought you were going to kill me or something!

John Doe 48: Well that too, but there’s time for that later!

John Doe 48 shows Kate the stamps, which is quite a conveniently long process.

Jill Razor: Woo! The wedding cake’s here! Come and have a look at it John!

John Doe 48: Wow! It looks good!

Dad: Good enough to die for? Moowhahahahaha!

Jill’s dad tries to gun John Doe 48 down, but fails and ends up shooting the cake instead.

John Doe 48: Oh my God! It’s some sort of a secret radioactive cake, come to blow up our wedding!

Kate: Err…Yeah!

10:45:02

At the WBF…

Stereotypical Black Son: What the hell are you still doing here? I thought you left before!

Captain: Nah, we sent Dave off, he seemed to want to go.

Alex: So when are we going?

Captain: Dunno, I’m not in charge. Anyway, where the hell are we going to go?

Alex: To save Ed and that WBF bloke!

Captain: And they are where exactly?

Alex: On that ship with Beaverson and Rosemary.

Captain: Exactly! So if we just fly off we’ll never find them!

Alex: You have to ruin everything don’t you!

Captain: Fine, we’ll go in about 10 minutes.

Stereotypical Black Wife: Can we come? It’s not like we’re doing anything else!

Alex: No Sherrie, it’ll only ruin things, like it ruined things for David. Anyway, I can never tell if you’ve changed or if you’re just better at lying now!

Stereotypical Black Wife: Sherrie? Who the hell are you talking to?

Alex: Lies! All lies!

10:51:37

On Earth…

John Doe 48: So what’s happened to me doc? Tell me straight!

Doctor: How the hell should I know? It’s not like I’m a doctor or anything!

John Doe 48: Just tell me you fool!

Doctor: You have an acute form of radiation poisoning. Your hair and skin has already started to fall off. Soon you’ll be nothing but a pile of bones.

John Doe 48: How long have I got?

Doctor: Well it could be an hour, maybe even a month. You never can tell.

John Doe 48: Aw that’s great! At least I’ll have time to see my family and friends one last time, before I leave God’s poor earth!

John Doe 48 stands up, and then instantly disintegrates into a pile of nothingness.

Dad: My work here is done! Bwahahaha!

10:54:23

Jill Razor sits in the living room with Kate.

Jill Razor: I hope my little buttercup is ok!

Kate: What about John, he could be dying, you insensitive freak!

Jill Razor: Sorry, but you know I feel about these plants dad keeps in the house!

The family dog, Fluffums, runs in…

Kate: What have you got there boy?

Kate takes a bone from his mouth, which has a tag reading: c/o John Doe 48.

Jill Razor: Fluffums, what have you done? You brutal killer you!

Jill hugs the dog.

10:56:43

On the Zipper Express…

Robert still in the toilet.

Robert: Hello? Hmmm….Where is everyone. Oh well, they seem to have gone. Maybe Baxter has done his dirty dead. This reminds me of when I was left alone on the Starship Beaverprise, whilst everyone else was off on so many legendary missions. If only Andrew were here…Andrew! What the hell happened to him?!?

10:58:02

The Starship Beaverprise, the scene of so many fantastic happenings is sitting silently in space.

It suddenly blows up in a massive ball of flames and metal. Insert feelings of deep remorse here.

As the explosion clears the open space falls silent once again. Nothing is left, not even a mouse.

10:59:32

At the WBF…

Alex: Incoming transmission from the Beaverprise, sir! It must be important.

Captain: At the risk of destroying the plot, let’s hear it!

Transmission: What the Bloody Hell!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!

10:59:57…10:59:58…10:59:59

11:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Michelle

Michelle: So are you going to let me go then?

Michelle grabs the mug of coffee and throws it on Boba Muffett’s forbidden zone.

Michelle is running for her life.

Alex: It’s Michelle naked!

Captain and Alex

Captain: So, do you think we’ve been tricked?

Alex: How the hell do you know that?

Captain: Let’s go and kill that damn dirty informant and his dirty family!

Captain: We’ve got to ring Ed!

Phone: I’m afraid your friend has been involved in a terrorist kidnapping!

Alex: Come out you freak! We know you’re in there!

The Informant shoots himself in the head.

Bloke: And just in time for a transmission from Ed’s kidnapper!

Transmission: No, it is I…BEAVERSON!

The following takes place between 9am and 10am. Events occur in unreal time.

09:00:00

Jack Beaver, Jr: Oh my God! Who?

Captain: Beaverson, the infamous principal captain of the Starship Beaverprise.

Alex: The last we heard of him was some crap with him, R.O.B.E. and a troll!

Transmission: And here is that troll…My lovely wife, Rosemary!

Captain: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Bloke: Aaaarggghhhhh! That hideous face!

Alex: You’ll get used to it!

The Stereotypical Black “Family” walk into the room…

Stereotypical Black Wife: Oh my God! A troll!

Captain: Who the hell are these freaks?

Stereotypical Black Son: Well who the fuck are you?

Bloke: This is the WBF leader’s Stereotypical Black “Family” and these are two people from the Starship Beaverprise!

Alex: Beaverprise, eh? Suspicious!

Captain: No, that’s us you fool!

Stereotypical Black Son: Yeah, we ain’t no beavers!

Stereotypical Pet Beaver: Speak for yourself!

Captain: Yeah, but you’re black aren’t you, you bastard!

Transmission: Err…Are you still listening to me? I’ve got some demands to make…Some sexual demands!

Stereotypical Black Daughter: Nooooooo!

Rosemary leans over to Beaverson and whispers in his ear.

Transmission: No, wait…Just demands!

Stereotypical Black Son: Wait! I recognise you!

Transmission: Yeah, you’re the one that helped us escape earlier today! Cheers buddy!

Stereotypical Black Son: You bastards! I’m innocent I tell you!

Stereotypical Black Wife: So it’s true! I always knew you were the Stereotypical Black Sheep of the family. My worst fears have been realised!

Captain: Stop having a Stereotypical Black Argument and let’s get on with this charade!

Alex: Charades? Woo! Let’s go! Me first!

Alex starts jumping around!

Jack Beaver, Jr: Psycho?

Alex: Yeah! How did you guess?

Transmission: Because you’re a freak! Fucking Psycho!

Alex: Ed? Is that you?

Transmission: Yes, that was the one you call “Ed”. We are holding him to ransom, along with the Stereotypical WBF Leader. You must hand over the contract to the universe or your friends will be no more!

Jack Beaver, Jr: I’m faxing it over to you now!

Captain: What we can’t do that!

Alex: Yeah they don’t have faxing capabilities!

Captain: No, we can’t let the universe fall into the hands of beavers…I mean, Pure Evil!

Stereotypical Black Wife: But we can’t let my husband and one of my lovers die!

Alex: Lovers?

09:15:07

Michelle is running towards the local docks.

Michelle: The docks look so beautiful at this time of the morning!

Hobo (Not Nick): Aren’t you supposed to be running away from those freaks over there?

Michelle: Oh my God! They’ve found me! Those freaks in that crappy Boba Mobile!

Hobo: Quick run! Save yourself!

As Michelle runs off the Hobo throws himself in front of the Boba Mobile.

Hobo: Oh my God! I’ve been insanely crippled from my neck down, but I’m still alive! What a cruel twist of fate!

Boba Muffett: This always happens when I let you drive!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Sorry!

Voice Over: Stay tuned to BBC3 for the legendary Pure 24. Text or phone in your comments on who’s body you think has been dragged out of the water, or else! Oh fuck…

Hobo: Wha?

Boba Muffett: Well that just ruined my enjoyment of this particular episode!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Yeah, why is that Hobo still hanging onto the car?

09:22:59

On the Zipper Express, entering the atmosphere of Palmer 2…

Moe: Finally!

B6B: Yeah we’ve just arrived on Palmer 2, Boba Muffett’s planet.

Moe: No, the pancakes are ready!

Paul: Woo! Bonus!

The Zipper Express lands…

Zip Finnigan: According to my map Boba Muffett’s hideout, Sandman Sand Inc., should be right around this corner!

Kif: How convenient!

Zip Finnigan: Now let us go inside and find the titillating beauty that is Michelle!

B6B: Yeah, that Kim is nice! Oh right, Michelle…

Max Baxter: It appears to be deserted!

They enter the building…

Kif: Look, someone’s spilt some coffee!

Paul: It looks like someone’s spilt something else too!

B6B: Yeah, some sugar, that must have been meant for the coffee!

Zip Finnigan: So…Michelle wasn’t sweet enough for them, eh?

Moe: So there’s no one here then?

Paul: Looks like that. But I can still smell evil!

B6B: No that’s just the coffee, Paul!

Max Baxter: Or is it? Mooowhahahahahaha!

Moe: Yeah, just the coffee, you fool!

Zip Finnigan: I wonder where the real evil is!

B6B: What Alex?

09:27:32

Boba Muffett: Where did she go?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (not-so-gruff voice) I don’t know! Hey, these Tunes really did the trick!

Boba Muffett: Yes, but for how long?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Not very!

Boba Muffett: Stay observant! We’ve got to track the bitch down.

Michelle runs straight out in front of them.

Boba Muffett: Oh she’s nice! Looks a lot like Michelle too!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) You think? Nah, her hair’s different!

Boba Muffett: Wait! It was her! Step on it!

Michelle runs towards the water in slow motion and dives into the deep abyss that is the sea. Complete with David Hasselhoff watching from afar!

David Hasselhoff: Nice ass! Though it could have been in slower motion!

Boba Muffett and Monica Lewinski Masked Person fire shots into the water after her. She doesn’t resurface.

09:33:23

At Sandman Sand Inc.

Zip Finnigan: This bloke is twisted! He has all sorts of pictures of Michelle!

Paul: His taste in art is somewhat controversial.

B6B: It’s just bits of skin that have been stuck to the walls!

Paul: Fine! It’s modern art then!

Max Baxter: I think we should get out of here now, before it’s too late!

Moe: Too late for what?

Max Baxter: For something bad to happen!

Moe: So you’re evil then?

Max Baxter: Yeah! It’s true, it’s all true!

Zip Finnigan: How can this be true, Maxy boy?

Max Baxter: I dunno, they just told me I was evil this morning! It’s as much of a shock to me as it is you! And that freak staring at us!

Zip Finnigan: Err…I meant in the show!

Max Baxter: Oh crap, yeah! Err…I think I was brainwashed or something! It’s hardly important! I’m afraid I’m going to have to tie you up! You know too much!

Zip Finnigan: No you bastard!

Max Baxter pulls out a gun. Zip tries to grab it off him.

Kif: Nooooooooooooooooo!

Zip is shot in the arm. His eyes start to fill up, as he tries not to show his pain.

Zip Finnigan: Whimper!

B6B: You freak! Look what you’ve done!

Max Baxter: Shut up or I’ll shoot you all!

Max Baxter ties B6B, Paul, Moe and Kif up, whilst leaving Zip for dead.

Max Baxter: See you in hell!

He runs off, never to be seen again…Seriously, I don’t think he’s in it anymore!

09:44:59

At the WBF…

Captain: So what are we going to do?

Transmission: You could just give me the universe!

Bloke: What? I thought we’d hung up on you ages ago!

Transmission: Oh sorry!

The transmission ends.

Alex: So to sum up…I’ve got an evil hair on my thumb and I’m not really sure what we should do next!

Stereotypical Black Son: Well you’re no good are you, you freak!

Alex: Well what do you suggest?

Stereotypical Black Son: Let’s kill them, like I killed so many before them!

Stereotypical Black Butler: Your drinks have arrived!

Stereotypical Black Wife: Thanks!

Captain: We’re going to have to save them!

Alex: Well obviously!

09:48:33

At the docks, which are beautiful at this time in the morning…

Life Guard: Yeah, that’s right we just pulled the twisted remains of some freak out of the water!

Woman: What the hell are you talking about?

Life Guard: I received some phone call a few minutes ago saying that a body had been seen floating in the water. So I grabbed my trusty net and came out to find that dead body!

Woman: Err…I’m not really interested. I’m just trying to get past you, so I can get to work on time.

Life Guard: Oh…Would you like to see my collection of fossils? It’s very interesting you know! Hello? Hello? Wait, come back!

Boba Muffett: What’s happened?

Life Guard: Well when things die their bodies become fossilised and…

Boba Muffett: No you freak! I want to know about the body!

Life Guard: Oh, err…yeah! I just pulled it out of the water! Looks like a young woman.

Boba Muffett: How do you know? It’s just the twisted remains of somebody!

Life Guard: I always know!

Boba Muffett: Yeah so we were shooting into the water and were wondering if we’d killed anyone!

Life Guard: Wonder no more!

The Life Guard turns the body over revealing it to be…

Boba Muffett: Michelle? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) But we were shooting at her, surely we wanted her to die?

Boba Muffett: Shut up! Noooooooooooooooooooo!

09:59:57…09:59:58…09:59:59

10:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Mask-less Person: Yeah, it’s me!

Michelle: Boba Muffett?

Robert: Oh right! We’re heading for Palmer 2. We’ll be there within two hours!

Alex: Don’t you just hate these clips at the start?

Captain: Yeah, they don’t even make sense any more!

Boba Muffett: And I’m the only one that reads them too!

Stereotypical Black Son: This is a stereotypical black quote!

Drinks Machine: Ahh Ed was captured and your Stereotypical Black Son let it happen!

They go to sleep on the ground.

Captain: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The following takes place between 8am and 9am. In real time…If you’re lucky!

08:02:39

Michelle: You just missed the best two minutes!

Boba Muffett: Nooo! And I was foolishly making myself a drink, not realising that they would start without me!

Michelle: Oh well, the rest is crap, so you might as well carry on!

08:05:21

Captain: I think the painkillers have worked.

Alex: Painkillers?

Captain: Yeah the ones I took for my back!

Alex: Riiighhht!

Captain: So, do you think we’ve been tricked?

Alex: Why? What makes you think that?

Captain: Because we haven’t got any leads yet and we were brutally attacked at the Little House on the Prairie; mugged at Walt Dreyson World; almost raped at Bert’s Doghnut Shop; Killed at Willy Wonker’s Chocolate Factory; and we’ve been looking for a new lead for: 4 hours, 36 minutes and 9 seconds!

Alex: How the hell do you know that?

Captain: It says that on the communication device that R.O.B.E. gave me. It has a built-in stop watch.

Alex: I want one!

Captain: Let’s go and kill that damn dirty informant and his dirty family!

Alex: He doesn’t have a family, Sir. He’s a loner who sells drugs.

Captain: Who isn’t!?!

08:10:04

Boba Muffett: Killed?

TV: Yes, that’s right! Michelle of Starship Beaverprise, has been killed. This information may not be true and so is probably false!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) You’re not dead are you?

Michelle: Err…I might be, who’s asking?

Boba Muffett: We’ll take that as a no then!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person leaves the room, for an unknown, suspicious reason.

Michelle: So are you going to let me go then?

Boba Muffett: I’d only let you go if you did one thing. One legendary thing.

Michelle: Like what?

Boba Muffett: Webster’s defines it as a sexual favour!

Michelle: I see! Pull your trousers down then!

Boba Muffett: I don’t know, I kinda want to enjoy this hot mug of coffee before it goes cold.

Michelle: Aren’t I hot enough for you?

Boba Muffett: Not quite as hot as this mug of coffee, because it’s just boiled.

Michelle walks towards him.

Boba Muffett: So you’re going to see my unmentionables!

Boba Muffett pulls his trousers down…We’ll spare you the details.

Michelle: Ugh! I mean…There isn’t a word that can describe it!

Michelle grabs the mug of coffee and throws it on Boba Muffett’s forbidden zone.

Boba Muffett: Aaaarghghhh! My eyes…I mean, my beautiful unmentionables!

Michelle makes a run for it as Boba Muffett falls to the floor in agony.

08:16:45

Captain: We’ve got to ring Ed!

Alex: But he’s at uni!

Captain: No you fool, he hasn’t rung us back yet!

The Captain rings Ed.

Phone: Hello?

Captain: Hi is this Rachael’s phone?

Phone: No, Rachael’s dead, this phone belongs to Ed.

Captain: That’s alright then!

Phone: I’m afraid your friend has been involved in a terrorist kidnapping!

Captain: What? The WBF Leader is no friend of ours!

Phone: No, Ed has been kidnapped!

Alex: Ed what are you talking about?

Captain: You fool it’s not Ed! He’s been kidnapped!

Alex: Gasp! Noooooooooooooooooooo!

08:23:45

Michelle is running for her life.

At Boba Muffett’s Secret Hideout…

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) My God! What sick experiment are you carrying out?

Boba Muffett: The bitch burnt me with this tasty mug of boiling hot coffee!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Yeah great story! Where the hell is she?

Boba Muffett: She ran out that way!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) To the Bat Mobile!

Boba Muffett: You mean the Boba Mobile?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Yeah!

Michelle reaches a pay phone.

Phone: Hello! This is Jack Beaver, Jr. Agent to the stars!

Michelle: Hi, Dad? Where are you?

Phone: I can’t talk right now sweetie! There’s a bomb in Los Angeles. You need to get to Aunt Beaver’s.

Michelle: Ok, but I have to save Megan first! I accidentally stole her from her crib and beat her brutally.

Phone: Ok honey! I’m not really listening, but do it anyway! I have to go now, I’m in the middle of an important game of hide and seek, with Tony Almaida!

Michelle hangs up and continues to run for her life, whilst almost getting run over.

08:30:23

At the Secret Informant’s Not-So-Secret Hideout…

Alex: Come out you freak! We know you’re in there!

Informant: How could you possibly know?

Captain: We know!

Informant: You’ll have to blast your way in!

Alex: Hand me the shot gun my good man!

Informant: Aaarghh! Release the hounds!

Captain: Hounds, eh?

A massive rumble is heard from around the corner, when suddenly a dog comes…trotting around the corner? What the hell!

Wellie: What’s going on here?

Captain: Oh my God! It’s Wellie!

Alex: Aaaarghghhhh!

Wellie skips over to the Captain and starts licking his face playfully.

Captain: Get him off! Get him off!

Alex: Asta la vista Wellie!

Alex cocks the shot gun and blasts Wellie!

Wellie: Noooooooooooo! Aaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!

Captain: Quickly, blast down the door!

Alex takes several shots at the door, until giving up and throwing the shot gun down in anger.

Alex: Hand me the pick axe!

Informant: Noooooooooooooooo!

Alex begins to smash the door in with the pick axe, with little results.

Alex: It’s made out of reinforced steel!

Captain: Open the door you twisted freak!

Alex: I’m trying you bastard!

Captain: Not you…Well you as well!

Informant: Open it? Why didn’t you say so before!

The door unlocks as Alex and the Captain enter.

Captain: You tricked us! Now you must pay!

Informant: I don’t want to go back to that hell hole!

Alex: Earth?

Informant: You’ll never take me…alive!

Alex: Noooooooo! The sweet pleasure of killing you myself! Don’t take this privilege from me!

The Informant shoots himself in the head.

Captain: Fool! Hey, what are these photos in this suspicious brown envelope?

Alex: Oh my God!

Captain: What?

Alex: It’s Michelle naked!

Captain: Cool! Let me see!

Alex: It’s alright, there are plenty to go round!

Captain: My love affair with Michelle has been re-ignited!

Alex: Come on, we’ve got to get back to the WBF! We’ve got to save Ed!

Captain: Don’t mention Ed at a time like this!

Outside…

Captain: I’m going to use this communication device, I mentioned earlier, to call the pod to us.

Alex: That’ll save us a lot of time! Good thinking!

08:46:01

Heading for the WBF in the Pod…

Alex: You do realise we aren’t going to get there in time!

Captain: In time for what?

Alex: In time to play snakes and ladders with Jack Beaver, Jr.

Pod Computer: Would you like me to use warp speed?

Captain: How come you didn’t mention this before?

Pod Computer: I was pissed off with you then, because you were being bastards!

Alex: Who’s the bastard now then?

Pod Computer: Initiating semi-warp speed, because I’m kind of pissed off with you! Mowahahaha!

Captain: Good one!

08:55:54

Alex: Wow! That was quick! Just imagine how stupidly fast we would have got here in full warp speed!

Inside the WBF…

Jack Beaver, Jr: Waheey! You’re back!

Bloke: And just in time for a transmission from Ed’s kidnapper!

Alex: Cool!

Transmission: I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve kidnapped Ed and your beloved WBF Leader?

Captain: Not really. I was wondering why you were wearing those hooded cloaks!

Transmission: Oh, that’s just to hide our true identities!

Alex: Which are…?

Transmission: What like I’m going to tell you!?!

Alex: Pretty much!

Transmission: Well ok! You’ve persuaded me! I was going to wait until next week, but what the hell!

The cloaked figure removes his cloak.

Captain: Boba Muffett?

Jack Beaver, Jr: Stereotypical Black Son?

Bloke: Elvis Presley?

Alex: Bill Clinton?

Transmission: No, it is I…BEAVERSON!

08:59:57…08:59:58…08:59:59

09:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Well, I guess we could play hangman or something!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: How about…Legendary Villians!

Two Cloaked Figures Burst Through the Window…

Stereotypical Black Son: Just get in the fucking bag you bloody hologram!

The two cloaked figures head off out of the window with Ed in the bag.

Moe: Let’s just watch the damn tape, shall we?

Alex: So is Ed ever going to ring us back?

Moe: Hey, what does that say on the wall behind her?

Zip Finnigan: Sandman’s Sand Inc.!?!

He rips off his Bill Clinton mask.

Michelle: Dear God…It’s you!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Gasp!

The following takes place between 7am and 8am. In real time…Probably.

07:00:00

Mask-less Person: Yeah, it’s me!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Aaargghhh! The suspense is killing me!

Michelle: Boba Muffett?

Boba Muffett: Yes! Mooowhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

07:59:57…07:59:58…07:59:58

08:00:00

Boba Muffett: Ah crap! My watch is wrong.

07:01:01

Boba Muffett: That’s better!

Michelle: So who the hell are you then?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Me? I’m just some freak from the Cyber Café. Nobody interesting anyway!

Michelle: Could I have a hacksaw please?

Boba Muffett: What, so you can cut your beard off?

Michelle: Err…That wouldn’t make sense! I don’t even have a beard!

Boba Muffett: It’s been 7 hours. I think you should have by now!

Michelle: No, I want to cut through this rope you tied me up with in hour 4!

Boba Muffett: Hour 4? That was poor! Apart from the last two minutes anyway!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Let’s hope it was the only one!

Boba Muffett: So that’s a nice body you got there, Michelle! Do you work out?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Err…

Michelle: Nah, but I do like to swim. Which doesn’t conjure up even sexier images in your head, does it now?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Err…

07:06:45

On Dreyson 5…

Alex’s phone rings.

Alex: Hello?

Transmission: Alexis Gilmour?

Alex: (looking around suspiciously) Yeees, it’s Alexis Gilmour here!

Captain: Alexis? Hmmm….Suspicious!

07:08:01

Meanwhile on the Zipper Express…

Max Baxter: So the co-ordinates have been set to Palmer 2?

Zip Finnigan: Yes, we’re on our way!

Kif: It should take us a couple of hours to get there!

Robert: A couple of hours!?! I’m going to the toilet. We’ve got to pass the time somehow.

B6B: Where the hell did you get that goatie? Looks kinda evil!

Paul: I grew it! How else?

B6B: But you didn’t have it last…err…10 minutes ago! How did you grow it so quick?

Paul: Well where did you get those sunglasses from?

B6B: My pocket!

Paul: Hmmm…Suspicious! You didn’t have them on ten minutes ago!

Max Baxter: That’s nothing! I wasn’t even wearing this suit the last time you saw me!

Moe: So, who cares!

In the toilet…

Robert: This is Roberto Al Fonzo!

Transmission: What have you to report?

Robert: Paul has a goatie! Haha! He looks like an idiot!

Transmission: What? No, what the hell is going on there?

Robert: Oh right! We’re heading for Palmer 2. We’ll be there within two hours!

Transmission: Thanks for the tip-off!

07:16:42

On Palmer 2…

Michelle: Do you mind if I use the phone? I have to make a personal call!

Boba Muffett: Ok, but it’d better not be long distance!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) And hurry up! I want to use the internet!

The following takes place between Michelle and an Unknown Person. This occurs in English subtitles.

Michelle: It’s Yelena…

Transmission: (in Russian) Alright! How’s it going?

Michelle: (also in Russian) Not bad thanks! I think I may have found a way out.

Transmission: (in Russian again) Excellent my dear, Yelena!

Boba Muffett: What the hell? Since when did you talk Russian? And who’s Yelena? And what has this all got to do with everything else that’s going on?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) It’s probably not important so let’s forget it ever happened!

Boba Muffett: What happened?

07:21:02

On the Zipper Express…

Paul: Hey Moe, what’s with the afro?

Moe: I’ve gone back to my reggae roots!

B6B: But you had flat hair a minute ago!

Moe: Well I can have my hair styled differently you know! I mean we have been filming this bloody thing out of sequence for the past four months!

Kif: Filming?

Paul: Yeah, this documentary we’re going to show when we get back to Earth! I call it: My Big Fat Greek Beaver!

Kif: Sounds good!

07:24:01

At the WBF…

Stereotypical Black Wife: What a great film!

Stereotypical Black Daughter: Thank god it’s over though! I need some sleep!

Stereotypical Black Wife: Hey, where’s Keith….err, I mean my Stereotypical Black Son?

Stereotypical Black Daughter: Probably killing someone that attacked me!

In the Kitchen…

Stereotypical Black Son is on the floor crying.

Stereotypical Black Wife: What’s wrong? The film wasn’t that bad!

Stereotypical Black Son: Mum. I can never tell you. Never!

Drinks Machine: Ahh Ed was captured and your Stereotypical Black Son let it happen!

Stereotypical Black Wife: You little bastard! How could you let this happen to the son I never had?!?

Stereotypical Black Son: Fucking drinks machine! I’ll kill you!

Drinks Machine: What like you killed the WBF Janitor?

Jack Beaver, Jr: Nooooooooooooooo! The love of my twisted life!

07:31:23

On Dreyson 5…

Alex: Christ, I’m nakered! I haven’t slept for over 17 hours!

Captain: Yeah, I’m naked too!

Alex: What?

Captain: So we’re going to sleep yeah?

Alex: Well not while you’re naked!

Captain: I’ll sort it out!

Alex: So we’re just going to sleep on the ground in the middle of nowhere?

Captain: Suppose!

They go to sleep on the ground.

Meanwhile The Zipper Express Continues To Travel To Palmer 2, Whilst It’s Crew Sleep, Empty Their Bowels And Eat And Drink As Much As They Can In Preparation For The Many Hours Ahead Of Them.

07:57:68

Paul: That was one hell of a sleep I had there!

B6B: Yeah, thanks for waking us all up!

Moe: What? Half an hour later? That’s poor! They’ve fobbed us off with half an episode!

Kif: It’s what we’ve expected of them!

Zip Finnigan: They had to slip up sooner or later, especially after the past 7 hours!

B6B: Bastards!

07:59:02

Alex and the Captain wake up…

Captain: What’s going on?

Alex: We fell asleep!

Captain: So it was all a dream? Then the WBF Leader is safe, Michelle hasn’t been kidnapped and you didn’t kill that Bloke Behind the Counter!?!

Alex: No that was all real!

Captain: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

07:59:57…07:59:58…07:59:59

08:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Captain: It’s a restaurant, vegetarian cuisine courtesy of Cattle Slaughtering Jones

Max Baxter: I’m Zap’s old former military veteran friend, Max Baxter! But you can call me Max Baxter!

Zip Finnigan: The young Michelle, also of the Starship Beaverprise, has been kidnapped by an as of yet unknown assailant. We must rescue her from a fate worse than death!

Zip Finnigan: We don’t know yet, but we do have this video, which under further examination could provide us with the answers we need! I figured we could just fly around in space for a while until we work out where we have to go!

Ed: Nah! I think I’ll stay here! Remember, safety in numbers!

Captain: Looks like you’ve clubbed him to death to me! But why?

Transmission: Nah, Captain of the Starship Beaverprise here. We need your help to save my golden fish fingers…I mean, to look up some places we have to visit for some reason. I’ve forgotten why.

Captain: Err…There’s still 30 seconds left!

Alex: Oh. Err…Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

The following takes place between 6am and 7am. What more information could you need? Don’t answer that…

06:00:00

Alex:…hahahaha!

Captain: That’s enough!

Alex: Oh, sorry!

06:00:10

On an Unknown Planet…

Michelle: I’m really bored. You’ve had me locked up here for hours now and all we’ve done is make that video.

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Well, I guess we could play hangman or something!

Michelle: It’s always games with you people! Twisted, evil, children’s games!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Well yeah.

Michelle: So what’s going to be the topic?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: How about…Legendary Villians!

Michelle: Sounds good to me. I’ll go first. It’s two words, with eight letters in total.

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Hmmm…A!

Michelle: Nope.

Bill Clinton Masked Person: B!

Michelle: Nope.

Bill Clinton Masked Person: C?

Michelle: Err….Try something a little more original!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Ok….Z!

Michelle: Groan!

Several Guesses Later…

Bill Clinton Masked Person: P?

Michelle: Nah, sorry! That was your last go!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Nooooooooooooo!

Michelle: It was: The Joker!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: If only I’d have said, T, H and E, I would have had it!

Michelle: Oh well. Your go!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: It’s 11 letters and two words!

Michelle: Ok! E!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Aaargghhh! You bitch! I mean….correct!

06:15:34

At the WBF…

The Black “Family” Are Sitting Down Watching TV, with Ed.

Stereotypical Black Wife: What a legendary film!

Stereotypical Black Son: Shut up mum!

Stereotypical Black Wife: You little bastard! Keep your fucking mouth shut!

Stereotypical Black Son: Don’t forget I’ve got that on tape, bitch!

Stereotypical Black Daughter: Shhh! This is the bit where Mel Gibson’s son gets kidnapped.

Stereotypical Black Daughter #2: Yeah and they’ll hold him to ransom soon!

Stereotypical Black Son: What? Since when did you get any fucking lines you freak!?! Shut the fuck up!

Ed: Yeah, so I’m just going to get a drink!

Stereotypical Black Son: Just help yourself you fucking bastard! Eat us out of house and home you twat!

TV: We interrupt this legendary Mel Gibson film to bring you an urgent news bulletin. There has been a gang land murder on the streets of New York earlier today.

Stereotypical Black Son: Ah, fucking hell!

Stereotypical Black Daughter #2: Just out of interest, but why are we watching TV at 6 o’clock in the morning?

Stereotypical Black Wife: Because it stars the legendary Mel Gibson!

Stereotypical Black Daughter #2: But it’s over a thousand years old!

Stereotypical Black Son: Shut the hell up! I suppose next you’ll be asking us why Cattle Slaughtering Jones Vegetarian Cuisine is open all hours of the night and why we haven’t had a wink of sleep since this whole thing started!

06:23:03

In the Kitchen…

Ed: Hmmm….Lemonade or a bottle of vodka?

Drinks Machine: It’s up to you mate!

Ed: I’ll go with the vodka then!

Two Cloaked Figures Burst Through the Window…

Ed: But I haven’t even got the lid off it yet!

Cloaked Figure #2: You won’t be getting the lid off anything sonny!

Ed: Mum? Wait, I’m a hologram. I don’t have any parents!

Cloaked Figure #1: Could you get in the bag please?

Ed: What? Why the hell would I do that?

The Stereotypical Black Son walks into the kitchen…

Stereotypical Black Son: Just get in the fucking bag you bloody hologram!

Ed gets in the bag.

Cloaked Figure #1: Cheers mate!

The two cloaked figures head off out of the window with Ed in the bag.

Stereotypical Black Son: What have I done?

WBF Janitor: Yeah, what have you done?

06:27:02

On the Unknown Planet…

Bill Clinton Masked Person: You’ve got O, U and E so far! You’re doing well!

Michelle: What? We’ve been doing this for a quarter of an hour now and that’s all I’ve got!?!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: You’d better start guessing a bit quicker than hadn’t you! You’ve nearly been hung!

06:29:09

Meanwhile on the Zipper Express…

B6B: So when are we going to watch this video then?

Paul: Yeah it’s got kinda boring since old Captain Birdseye got flung out into space and sucked into that black hole!

Robert: God rest his soul.

Zip Finnigan: Let’s watch it now and see the lovely Michelle in action!

Kif: Err, Sir! We’re supposed to be trying to find out where she’s being held before any harm comes to her!

Zip Finnigan: And we will Kif, after I’ve freeze-framed through every second of this video!

Moe: Aww not again! Wasn’t that one night of passion enough for you?

Zip Finnigan: Obviously not!

B6B: No wonder Ed’s always in a bad mood!

Paul: Nah, that’s just you!

Max Baxter: Shut up you poor excuse for a character!

Robert: Look who’s talking!

Kif: What? You’re poor too!

Robert: At least I’m not a rip-off!

Kif: Aren’t you?

Moe: Let’s just watch the damn tape, shall we?

Zip Finnigan: Let’s!

06:34:45

Michelle: A?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: You’re getting good at this!

Michelle: That’s not the only thing I’m good at!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Oh yeah?

Michelle: Yeah, I’m a top player at Boggle too!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) What the hell is Boggle?

06:36:03

On Dreyson 5…

Captain: We’re here!

Alex: Where?

Captain: Going Places!

Alex: The travel agents? Why?

Captain: You said we had to go to Going Places!

Alex: No! I said we had to be going places!

Captain: Let’s go!

Alex: So is Ed ever going to ring us back?

Captain: Probably not, it’s like when he doesn’t reply on MSN. He just doesn’t care!

Alex: So we’ll give him a bit longer, yeah?

Captain: Yeah, it’s almost daylight anyway!

Alex: I thought it had always been daylight!

Captain: No, it’s not even 7am yet!

Alex: Then how the hell did we find all those places in the dark?

Captain: We used my trusty torch!

Alex: Torch? Suspicious!

06:42:56

On the Unknown Planet…

Michelle: What have I got so far?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: _O_A / MU_ _E_ _

Michelle: Hmmm…..H?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: No! You’ve got one more guess, before it’s all over!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Hurry up you freaks! I want a go! Jesus! You’ve been at this for half an hour now!

06:45:02

On the Zipper Express…

Zip Finnigan: Look at her succulent body!

Kif: Er…Sir! That’s John Doe 46!

Zip Finnigan: What? Well if isn’t the succulent John Doe 46!

Max Baxter: Hmmm…What’s this lotion all about?

Zip Finnigan: Ah! Here’s Michelle again! Zoom in Kif!

Moe: Hey, what does that say on the wall behind her?

Zip Finnigan: You’re looking at the wall?

B6B: It look’s like “Superman’s Band Link”

Zip Finnigan: Kif zoom in!

Max Baxter: On the wall you fool!

Kif: Oops! Sorry!

Zip Finnigan: Sandman’s Sand Inc.!?!

Paul: Gasp!

Zip Finnigan: I think I know where that is!

Paul: Where?

Zip Finnigan: Palmer 2!

Paul: Where?

06:48:04

Michelle: L?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Haha! You’re dead!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Moowhahahahahahahaa!

06:57:21

Michelle: So are you going to tell me what the answer was or are we just going to sit here staring at the wall for the rest of our lives?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Oh that!

Michelle: Yeah, remember?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Why don’t I give you one final clue.

He rips off his Bill Clinton mask.

Michelle: My God….Bill Cosby?

Bill Cosby Masked Person: What? No! Why the hell am I wearing two masks?!?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Cos you’re damn ugly that’s why!

Bill Cosby Masked Person: Oh yeah, now I remember!

He rips off Bill Cosby mask.

Michelle: Dear God…It’s you!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Gasp!

06:59:57…06:59:58…06:59:59

07:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Robert: She was murdered!

Zip Finnigan: So Kif we’ll keep you as our chief suspect until we return to the WBF Headquarters. You shall remain handcuffed to me until the end of the journey!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Time to…make a video!

Zip Finnigan: But nothing, Kif! We shall take Jane Doe 14’s body to the WBF Headquarters, where they shall perform further forensic testing on her to discover the true killer!

John Doe 46: Arggggh! Quick get me to a doctor! I cant breathe, or speak!

B6B: Look it’s Moe and Robert!

Michelle: Send 50 million pesetas to this unknown planet or you’ll never see me alive again!

John Doe 47: John Doe 46 has been murdered!

Zip Finnigan: I think we shall need the help of my former military veteran friend, Max Baxter!

Alex: So, do you think there’s enough time for us to say anything?

The following takes place between 5am and 6am on the day of the California Presidential Primary, which has nothing to do with what you are about to read what so ever!

05:00:00

Captain: Most legendary cliff hanger ever!

Alex: Yeah, so… next on the list! What is it?

Captain: Well we have been to: Bert’s Doughnut Shop, The Knocking Shop On 5th Avenue, The Blerg’s Residence, The Secret Bureau of Required Information, The Little House On The Prairie and Walt Dreyson World!

Alex: So, which one is next then?

Captain: It’s a restaurant, vegetarian cuisine courtesy of Cattle Slaughtering Jones

Several Miles Later At Cattle Slaughtering Jones Vegetarian Cuisine…

In The Restaurant…

Alex: It says here we have to meet with the guy who’s wearing red under pants

Bloke Behind The Counter: Come round the back in five minutes

(The man winks at Alex)

05:18:33

At The WBF…

Moe: So when’s this Bax Maxter getting here then?

Max Baxter: That’s Mr. Maxter to you!

Ed: Err….Don’t you mean, Max Baxter?

Max Baxter: That’s what I said!

Paul: Who’s this guy?

Zip Finnigan: You fool! Didn’t you read the recap above?

Paul: Obviously not!

Max Baxter: I’m Zap’s old former military veteran friend, Max Baxter! But you can call me Max Baxter!

Zip Finnigan: That’s Zip! No copyright infringement allowed here!

Max Baxter: So what’s the problem my old buddy? And who are all these people?

Zip Finnigan: This is Kif, my young protégée; Ed, B6B, Paul, Moe and Robert from the legendary, but not as legendary as my ship, Starship Beaverprise! And this is the rotting carcass of Jane Doe 14!

Max Baxter: Pleased to meet you all, but there’s no time for pleasantries! What have you called me up for?

Zip Finnigan: The young Michelle, also of the Starship Beaverprise, has been kidnapped by an as of yet unknown assailant. We must rescue her from a fate worse than death!

Ed: Err….Death!

Zip Finnigan: Exactly!

Max Baxter: So where is she being held?

Zip Finnigan: We don’t know yet, but we do have this video, which under further examination could provide us with the answers we need! I figured we could just fly around in space for a while until we work out where we have to go!

Ed: Its decided then all of you that includes Zip and his friend, will try and find Michelle, remember safety in numbers!

B6B: So you’re coming with us?

Ed: Nah! I think I’ll stay here! Remember, safety in numbers!

Moe: Safety? Numbers? In? Shut up!

Ed: I just wish I knew how to follow that line up!

Robert: Just forget about it, it’s impossible!

Zip Finnigan: I think we should leave immediately, with or without our dear friend Ed!

Max Baxter: So we’re just going to fly around in space for a while then?

Zip Finnigan: Anything to save our beloved Michelle!

The Crew Head Back to the Zipper Express Without Ed. They Fly Off In A Random Direction.

05:32:59

Round The Back Of Cattle Slaughtering Jones Vegetarian Cuisine…

Captain: So that explains everything!

Alex: But what about him?

Captain And Alex Look Towards The Computer Screen.

Him: It’s alright, I’ve been watching the two plot lines in parallel.

Captain: Yeah, whatever! Let’s just get on with it shall we!?!

Bloke Behind the Counter: Well I think I’ve given you all the information you need!

Alex: Oh really?

Bloke Behind the Counter: Well yeah! Anyway I’m just going to the…err…toilet! (He winks at the Captain)

Captain: Err….Are you coming on to me?

Bloke Behind the Counter: Err…

He disappears into the toilet.

In the toilet…

Bloke Behind the Counter: Wow! This basin’s really clean!

He washes his hands as a shadowy figure enters.

Bloke Behind the Counter: (looking in mirror) Wow that’s really big! What are you shaking it around for? I’d put it away if I was you!

The shadowy figure passes it between each hand and then clubs him to death with the said baseball bat.

The Captain rushes in.

Captain: What the hell have you done?

05:41:56

Alex: What have I done?

Captain: Looks like you’ve clubbed him to death to me! But why?

Alex: I dunno! It felt right at the time.

Captain: What, 05:41:56?

Alex: Err…yeah! Now let’s get out of here before someone finds his body.

Captain: What? We’re just going to leave it here?

Alex: Well…yeah!

05:43:03

At the WBF…

Ed: So anyone for Scrabble?

Jack Beaver, Jr: Nah! But I’d love a game of snakes and ladders!

Ed: Err…..

Ed’s phone rings.

Ed: Phew! Saved by my Indiana Jones ring tone!

Transmission: Ed! It’s the Captain here!

Ed: Captain Birdseye?

Transmission: Yeah, Captain Birdseye. We need your help to save my golden fish fingers from some sharks or something!

Ed: Nah, I’m kinda busy at the moment. Sorry. I’m sure there are some freakin annoying kids that can help you.

Transmission: I’ll try R.O.B.E’s number!

Ed hangs up the phone. He twiddles his thumbs and it rings again.

Transmission: Ed! It’s the Captain here!

Ed: Didn’t you just call?

Transmission: Nah, Captain of the Starship Beaverprise here. We need your help to save my golden fish fingers…I mean, to look up some places we have to visit for some reason. I’ve forgotten why.

Ed: Ok.

Transmission: We’re sending them through to your phone now. Get back to us as soon as you can!

Ed: No problem!

Ed hangs up the phone. He twiddles his thumbs for several minutes.

Ed: Oh right, the places!

05:53:33

Meanwhile on the Zipper Express…

Zip Finnigan’s Log Star Date 18.6: And so we saved the golden fish fingers from the evil space sharks. And got to meet the legendary Captain Birsds…

Kif: Sir, weren’t we supposed to be saving Michelle?

Captain Birdseye: No, the fish you idiot!

Zip Finnigan: Yes, those luscious golden fingers with a sweet fishy taste.

Captain Birdseye: Now let’s all sit down and enjoy my golden fish fingers!

Paul: What? You bastard! They’re not made of real gold!

He throws the platter of fish fingers in his face.

Captain Birdseye: Noooooooooooooo!

05:58:41

Captain: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Alex: What? What’s happened?

Captain: Nothing! That’s exactly my point! There isn’t a cliff-hanger!

Alex: (rubbing his chin) Isn’t there? Moowhahahahahahahahahahahaa!

05:59:32

Captain: Err…There’s still 30 seconds left!

Alex: Oh. Err…Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…

05:59:57…05:59:58…05:59:59

06:00:00

Previously on Beaverprise…

Bloke: The WBF leader has been kidnapped!

Bloke: Jack Beaver,Jr. said he saw two cloaked figures running off with a rather full sack!

Stereotypical Black Son: Damn it! I’ll kill whoever’s kidnapped our father, then ill kill our father for letting it happen!

Informant: Information? What makes you think I’ve got any?

Alex: We come on behalf of Jack Beaver, deceased.

Zip Finnigan: I think we’d better save the fair maiden, Michelle! Come aboard my ship and we shall begin our epic quest. It is what she would have wanted!

The Informant Gives The List Of places In Which Alex And The Captain Have To Travel To, All Of Which Are Close By On The Legendary Planet Dreyson 5!

B6B: Dear God nooooo! It’s a battle royale!

Robert: (gasp) I made pop tarts!

Moe: What?

Robert: I mean, Jane Doe 14 is dead!

Zip Finnigan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The following takes place between 4am and 5am on the day of the California Presidential Primary, which has nothing to do with what you are about to read what so ever!

04:00:00

Zip Finnigan: So Michelle’s really dead then? Nooo!

Robert: No, Jane Doe 14! She is as dead as they come!

Zip Finnigan: Oh thank God! I mean…it could be worse!

Moe: How did she die?

Robert: She was murdered!

Kif: Gasp!

Zip Finnigan: You don’t seem very surprised Kif! Maybe you did it!

Kif: What?

Zip Finnigan: A ha! So you don’t deny it! You murdered her with your murderous hands used for murdering!

Robert: Actually she had a knife in her back! A swiss army knife!

Zip Finnigan: So, it was you Moe! You and your beloved Suzie!

Kif: Suzie?

Zip Finnigan: That’s what he calls it!

Moe: That’s the half truth!

Zip Finnigan: Hmmm it seems we’re not going to settle this here!

Kif: Phew!

Zip Finnigan: So Kif we’ll keep you as our chief suspect until we return to the WBF Headquarters. You shall remain handcuffed to me until the end of the journey!

Kif: Nooooooooooooooo!

04:04:04

On An Uncharted Planet…

Michelle: Why have you kidnapped us you bastard!?!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: For our own personal amusement!

Michelle: Superman! Superman! Help!

Superman Smashes Through The Wall Of The Building…

Superman: What? You freak! Its four o’clock in the morning! Wait a second…your not Louis Lane!

Superman Flies Off…

John Doe 46: I always thought he was poor, and now I know

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Time to…make a video!

John Doe 46: Pornographic?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Err…no actually! A video to prove your aliveness! Ill speak to you later about the other video though! It could be our next project!

04:09:22

Back On The Zipper Express…

Moe: Such a pointless death!

Robert: Jane Doe 14? I know, it’s tragic isn’t it!

Moe: No, Jane Doe 13! Now that was pointless! Jane Doe 14 seems pre-conceived, but by whom and why?

Zip Finnigan: By Kif of course! I don’t think he could handle the chemistry that we had! So jealousy struck him and he took her life!

Kif: It’s true! (he breaks down in tears) Wait…No it’s not!

Zip Finnigan: Stop crying! Your making my venire uniform wet!

Kif: But I was here the whole time! Surely you remember that Captain and you Moe, you were with us too!

Zip Finnigan: Hmmm….Such thin alibis, how can we believe these lies? Where’s the proof?

Kif: But…But….Sir!

Zip Finnigan: But nothing, Kif! We shall take Jane Doe 14’s cold dead body to the WBF Headquarters, where they shall perform further forensic testing on her to discover the true killer!

04:14:24

On The Uncharted Planet…

Bill Clinton Masked Person: And action!

Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle! I’ve been kidnapped, but it’s ok, because I’m still alive…apparently! Well that’s it….

Bill Clinton Masked Person: Cut! I’m sorry, but it doesn’t quite match my original vision of this particular scene, and you in the background you need to be more active! I want to feel your pain, like you’re really dieing of starvation!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Sorry! This mask is limiting my performance! Can I take it off now?

Bill Clinton Masked Person: No! Never! Just think how Jim Carey felt! We’re going for epic here people!

John Doe 46: Hello? Can somebody let me out please? These rats are hungry! What’s going on up there? Is that you Jim Carey?

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) She rubs the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again!

John Doe 46: You bastard! I’ll kill your dog! I’ll break his bastard legs!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Noo! My puppy! Don’t do it to Fluffy! Nooooo!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person Throws A Moth At John Doe 46 Which Incidentally Lodges In His Throat…

John Doe 46: Arggggh! Quick get me to a doctor! I cant breathe, or speak!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice): Ah whatever!

Bill Clinton Masked Person: We had better get him to a hospital he needs to stay alive, we need him for the train crash sequence!

04:23:05

The Zipper Express Arrives At The WBF Headquarters And Docks In The Docking Bay…

Zip Finnigan: We made it at long last!

Moe: Seems kinda quiet!

Zip Finnigan: Maybe they’ve arranged a surprise welcome party for the hero they miss so dearly!

Kif: But they don’t know we’re coming!

Zip Finnigan: Hence the surprise!

They Turn The Corner To Find Tens Of 1000s Of Dead Bodies On The Ground…

Robert: Dear God!

Zip Finnigan: What’s wrong? Haven’t you ever seen a dead body before!

Robert: Yeah, but not tens of 1000s of dead bodies!

Zip Finnigan: Dear God!

Kif: Sir, they appear to be many of our own troops along with an evil Clone Army!

Moe: Look there’s someone here alive!

They All Huddle Round The Body of a WBF Guard…

Zip Finnigan: I think he’s going to say something!

Kif: What? He’s not alive!

Zip Finnigan: Then he’s dead! Kif, what have you done!?!

Moe: Not him! This guy!

They All Turn To The Body Next To The Other Body….

WBF Guard #3: Please kill me! I’ve had this bullet lodged in my head for the last half an hour! I’m in so much pain!

Zip Finnigan: It seems you’re a lousy shot!

Moe: So what happened here?

WBF Guard #3: The Clone Army they….

He Gets Shot In The Chest….

Moe: Noooo! What have you done!?!

Zip Finnigan: Sorry! He needed to die in battle like I would have wanted to!

Moe: But he was going to tell us what happened! The Clone Army and all!

Zip Finnigan: Then we must tread carefully, for who knows what may lay ahead!

They Enter The WBF Headquarters…

B6B: Look it’s Moe and Robert!

Paul: Yeah quick, hide!

Ed: And they’ve brought Zip Finnigan with them!

Moe: Thank God we found you!

Zip Finnigan: Be careful! They may be clones of your dear departed friends!

Ed: Or maybe it is you who are the clones!

Kif: Err….

B6B: What are you doing here?

Moe: After you left the ship lost all power and we became trapped on the Beaverprise!

Zip Finnigan: Luckily I was on hand to rescue your foolish friends from ultimate disaster!

Moe: Though, as soon as we got on his ship Jane Doe 46 was murdered!

Ed: What else happened?

Robert: I made pop tarts!

B6B: We’re receiving a video transmission from an unknown destination!

Ed: Unknown, eh? Let’s take a look!

Video Transmission:

One woman’s epic quest for survival, with some other freak taken for the hell of it, in a world where evil reigns supreme there is little hope left…

Bill Clinton Masked Person: She’s alive! Alive!

Michelle: Will we make it home in time for midnight!

John Doe 46: Help me! Help me God!

Tom Hanks: Michelle, will you marry me?

Michelle: Send 50 million pesetas to this unknown planet or you’ll never see me alive again!

Alan Rickman: You’ll never get away with this! You freak!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Feed me! I’m dieing!

Jim Carey: Somebody stop this!

Credits…

Directorial Debut By Bill Clinton
Produced By Monica Lewinski In Association With Pixar Films
Introduced By John Doe 46
Staring Michelle
Oscar Winning Performance By Monica Lewinski
Filmed On location At Myers 7
Fan Club members: None
Dedicated In Loving Memory To: Somebody Funny

End Of Video Transmission.

Paul: Woo! Brilliant! A modern masterpiece! Bill Clinton is the new Steven Spielberg IV!

04:46:34

At The Hospital At The Unknown Planet. John Doe 46 lies in bed.

Doctor: Well ladies and gentlemen we successfully removed the object from his throat!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) You removed what now?

Doctor: His tongue, of course!

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) What about the moth?

Doctor: I’m sorry, we couldn’t save it

Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Noooooo!

Doctor: Well, we had better leave him to rest now

Just As They Have Left The Room A Shadowy Figure Enters…

Shadowy Figure: Hello Mr Doe 46

John Doe 46: Mmmph

Shadowy Figure: I have a present for you, from Uncle Sam! Moowahahahaha!

The Shadowy Figure Grabs A Pillow And Forces it Onto John Doe 46’s Face And Suffocates Him…To The Death

The Shadowy Figure Leaves The Room…

Doctor: Visitors already?

Shadowy Figure: Err yeah!

Doctor: And who are you?

Shadowy Figure: I’m Maximus, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife and I will have my revenge in this life or the next!

Doctor: Well, it was nice to meet you! Bye!

04:54:01

At The WBF…

Moe: So….

John Doe 47: Alright!

B6B: Where the hell did you come from!?!

John Doe 47: John Doe 46 has been murdered!

Zip Finnigan: But Kif has been here the whole time!

Paul: But wasn’t he in that epic we just watched?

Ed: Yes, which means that our beloved Michelle may be next!

Zip Finnigan: Then we must save her before it is too late!

Ed: Alright calm down!

Robert: So many murders! So little time!

Paul: What? We’ve got ages! 19 hours in fact!

Zip Finnigan: I think we shall need the help of my former military veteran friend, Max Baxter!

B6B: Baxter? Ha!

Zip Finnigan: We shall wait for him here until he arrives and then our epic quest to save Michelle shall begin!

Paul: Hooray!

04:59:50

Alex: So, do you think there’s enough time for us to say anything?

04:59:57…04:59:58…04:59:59

05:00:00