Episode 7-No Hope
The Second Season Premiere
A Shough-Gilmour Production
Written By: Alex Gilmour
Based on the Concept Created By: Justin Shough
Additional Material/Edited By: Justin Shough
Logging into R.O.B.E.
Performing retina scan…scan has failed.
Hacking into R.O.B.E.
Accessing confidential information on Mission 7, for the eyes of World Beaver Federation members only. If you are caught illegally accessing these files you will be beaten to a bloody pulp. Enjoy your visit.
Captains Log Star Date 7.1: Following the intense and thought-provoking experience that was our last mission, the ship was badly damaged in the various space battles we had against the evil Darth Wagner and her Beaverson Clones. We are heading to the nearest friendly planet, Blurg9, a planet similar to Earth where we can hopefully repair the ship. After destroying the Death Star we returned to Nal Hunka to rescue Michelle from the evil crime lord, Jabba the Hunk. We were successful and she was soon reunited with Ed, who had completely thawed out of the chocolate he was frozen in. We also picked up R.O.B.E. from the Planet of Tanzanine and he has been returned to the ship’s computer.
B6B: Captain, we’re just passing Pluto now!
Captain: O, wow! The cute little dog?
B6B: No, the planet sir!
Captain: Er, yes. Of course!
Moe: Captain! I think something just entered the ship, but I can’t be sure. The sensors aren’t what they were! It wasn’t anything too big, but it seems to have entered the ventilation shaft. If it gets into our warp core it could stop the ship from functioning, thus leaving us stranded in space. Until the oxygen runs out of course and then we’d all suffocate, except for R.O.B.E. because he’s a computer and doesn’t breath…
Captain: We have a warp core? I mean, why are you talking so much?
Moe: Well I don’t always get a lot to say so I thought I’d try and get a bigger role by proving myself.
Captain: What do you think this is? The army?
Moe: It’s not? Oh crap! That means I signed on the wrong dotted line! I knew I should have read the small print! Are we getting paid for this?
Paul: Yeah right!
Captain: You’re not getting paid?
Paul: No, I volunteered for this! Seeing as I’m such a nice, squeaky clean chappy!
Captain: You fool! I’m on £20,000 a year!
B6B: They pay me in snack treats!
R.O.B.E: I’m on £3.60 an hour and they didn’t give me a pay rise when I was 18 either. I have to get up at 6 in the morning so that I can milk the cows and feed the chickens, and if I’m lucky they’ll let me go home by 5!
Ed: Err…have you guys forgotten about the thing that entered the ventilation shafts? I know I’m kind of new around here, but I thought you would have sent somebody to get it out before the ship is destroyed!
Captain: Who the hell are you? O right, Ed! Yes of course, the ventilation shaft! Paul seeing as you’re not getting paid for this mission and thus have no real reason to live you can go into the vents and get it out!
Paul: No problem!
Captains Log Star Date 7.1-About 5 minutes after the last one: And so we have sent the mildly annoying one, no not R.O.B.E, Paul into the ventilation shaft to fetch out whatever it is that has entered our ship. Could it be an alien being? Or some sort of a shape shifter? Or a deadly disease that could wipe out millions? Or maybe even God himself!
(From inside the vent) Paul: Nope it’s a fly!
Muffled screams and crashes follow.
Captains Log Star Date 7.1-Another mere 5 minutes later: It has been a fight to the death. And Paul is dead. Luckily the fly left soon after nibbling at his carcass, probably because he didn’t like the taste of his meat. We have sent him to Sick Bay to see if Alex can revive him.
Jane Doe 4: Oh my god! Doctor is he…dead?
Alex: I’m afraid so, but….
Jane Doe 4: God noooooooo! I can’t live without him, he was my one and only! I loved that strange, yet wildly fascinating excuse for a human being!
She grabs a scalpel from the doctor’s table and slits her throat.
Alex: Has she stopped screaming now?
Michelle: Yes, she’s dead!
Alex: Good! Yeah, so anyway, as I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted. I should be able to revive Paul if I just hook him up to this machine, which would take me hours to explain to you all, but this is the future, so anything is possible! Except for immortality, but that’s another story!
Michelle: There’s no heart rate yet, doctor.
Alex: Ok, I’m going to have to inject him with this serum. It should take a couple of minutes, but revival is probable. I’ll just fill up the syringe and stick it….in….his….er…..
Michelle: What’s wrong doctor?
Alex: I canna do it! It’s too much! I feel kinda faint! Can’t stand the sight of needles and all that blood….
Alex faints and collapses on the floor.
Michelle: Oh well, looks like I’ll have to do it.
Michelle injects serum into Paul.
Michelle: His heart rate seems to be appearing on the monitor.
Paul: No that’s the microwave dear!
Michelle: You’re alive? Oh crap, I was hoping you’d die already! Doctor wake up he’s regained consciousness.
Alex: What? He’s alive? Oh great! That serum was supposed to kill him. Dammit! Something went wrong. Well seeing as he’s alive we may as well keep him in Sick Bay, but I’m not staying here with him. I’m heading to the bridge.
Michelle: Me neither. I’m off the ship’s gym to work on my body!
Paul: Err….Guys? Hello? Anybody?
In space no one can hear you yell!
Captains Log Star Date 7.2: Well it seems that our plan failed, I mean…Woo! Paul’s alive! Anyway we have entered Blurg9’s atmosphere and are proceeding to dock the ship at the service station…and Michelle’s body is looking better than ever.
B6B: Dock is complete Captain!
Captain: OK, everyone off the ship!
Captains Log Star Date 7.3: We have enjoyed a good night’s rest after the harrowing missions we have been on over the past year and the ship has been checked and repaired whilst we’ve been sleeping. We are now heading back to the ship to continue on our way.
Servicer: Good morning Captain! I’m glad you could make it! And I see you’ve brought the rest of the crew with you. Good good! That means this only needs to be said once! After a thorough check of your ship we have repaired everything and upgraded your weapons and shields. We also found these Oompa Loompas in a cage in the cargo bay.
Alex: My God! I remember them! Weren’t they supposed to be part of the crew?
Captain: Apparently, but we obviously forgot to unpack them!
Servicer: I’m afraid both are now dead. But that isn’t my concern. My biggest shock was after I scanned R.O.B.E, only to find that the ship’s computer had over 200 different viruses and hundreds of pornographic pictures.
Captain: Did you find the videos too? I mean, porn on our ship?
Servicer: Anyway, however arousing these pictures may be this is highly illegal activity and must be dealt with in the correct manner. As such I have called in Admiral Lodge of the World Beaver Federation to settle this matter.
In the sky above a very small space shuttle hovers down and docks alongside the Starship Beaverprise. From it a very tall man with a moustache emerges.
Admiral Lodge: Ah! Mr. Shough, Mr. Gilmour, Mr. Jones, Mr. Sadler, Mr. Stevens, Mr. Blackbourn, Mr. Jones the second, Mr. Doe. How are we this fine morning?
Alex: But I handed my Geography coursework in! I did, you saw me! It’s the one in the yellow folder dammit!
Admiral Lodge: Errr…Yes, so anyway. I understand we’ve been having a bit of a problem in the ship’s computer department? Am I right in thinking that?
Captain: Yes, Admiral. We seem to have accidentally downloaded some pornography whilst surfing the internet! Oh and I don’t want to take the A2 course ok?
Admiral Lodge: Yes of course. Accidentally? Ha! A bit like the time you accidentally failed your AS exams?
Paul: Er…What the hell are you lot talking about?
Captain: Shut up college boy
Admiral Lodge: Don’t talk to your superior officers that way! Anyway, I’m afraid to inform you that due to the pornography the World Beaver Federation is going to have to give you the ultimate punishment!
Crew: Gasp!
Admiral Lodge: Yes, you are hereby stripped of…
Captain: …our clothes? You bastard!
Admiral Lodge: …No, your Starship Beaverprise club badges and membership cards and you will have to find yourselves new jobs! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Captain: Oh, that’s much worse!
Alex: Ahhh, Christ! What the hell was that noise?
Admiral Lodge: I don’t know, it may have been the drugs! Anyway, I’ll see you in Tuesday’s lesson.
John Doe 32: We’re unemployed? Good God! What am I going to do? I have no references, no previous experience….I don’t even know how to tie my own shoe laces!!!!
As John Doe 32 runs around screaming he trips over one of his loose laces and into a man hole, smashing his head open as he hits the concrete sewars below.
B6B: So what are we supposed to do now?
Alex: Cover up the man hole?
Captain: It seems there is only one possibility! We must beat the Servicer to death and steal the Starship Beaverprise, thus flying into space and rescuing Earth from an oncoming terror and saving all of mankind, which should be enough to get our badges and membership cards back!
Alex: Too late! The Admiral’s just flown off with the Servicer in the Starship Beaverprise!
Captain: Damn it! Well it looks like we’ll just have to get jobs like the Admiral said!
Alex: Let’s go!
Captain’s Personal Diary Star Date 7.4: The ex-crew members of the Starship Beaverprise have all gone they’re separate ways, even R.O.B.E, who Moe downloaded onto a microchip whilst we were talking to Admiral Lodge yesterday. I have managed to regain a high standing in the community and am serving drinks at local W.I. meetings. What the rest of the crew will do without me is unknown, but I hope they can survive without each other in this new and uncharted region….
Paul: Blurg9? A planet similar to Earth?
Captain: Yes, a planet similar to Earth! Are you still here? I thought you got a new job!
Paul: I did! I’m part of the W.I. now!
Captain: God, nooooo!
Meanwhile in the deeper regions of somewhere or other John Doe 33 has just started his new job as a driver for Carlsblurg lager deliveries…
John Doe 33: Woo! I could have the greatest job known to man!
Suddenly the lorry grinds to a halt. John Doe 33 looks at the fuel gauge and sees that it’s empty.
John Doe 33: Damn it! Now I’m gonna have to get some more fuel! I’m gonna need the emergency services! Maybe that cottage over there has a tele-communications link.
He knocks on the door of the cottage and a small and very old woman answers the door.
Woman: Hello!
John Doe 33: Hi! Can I use your phone….I mean tele-communications link.
Woman: Please, do come in!
She points him in the way of the phone and whilst he uses it she peers out of the window at the Carlsblurg lorry. A glint appears in here eyes.
Woman: Would you like to use the bathroom?
John Doe 33: Er…Yeah, If you like!
Woman: It’s just through here….
John Doe 33 walks through a doorway and falls down a hole. The woman closes a trap door and places a rug over it.
John Doe 33: Aaaarggghhh! Where the hell am I?
Old man with beard: This is the basement! You’ll never get out alive!
John Doe 33: David Hull?!? So this is where you’ve been!
At 31 Filby Road, Blurgham…..
Alex: Well my job is positively absolutely the most boring in the world! How the hell did I become a trolley pusher!?! What the hell kind of a job is that anyway? Well I guess I’ll just watch some TV…
Switches the TV on.
Commentator: Welcome to another premiere match on the only sports channel worth watching, ITV64! I’m your host….R.O.B.E!
Alex: R.O.B.E? He’s a commentator on TV? The bastard!
R.O.B.E: Tonight it’s the Universe Cup Final between Earth and Blurg6! This is the first time Earth has made it to the finals since their victory in ’66, when they beat the Martians in the final minutes of the game! So enjoy, as we watch the only football competition in the universe to be fully populated by gays!
Alex: Moowhahahahahahaa!
R.O.B.E: Shut up!
Alex: Eh? How the hell did he do that?!?
Whilst this has all been going on B6B has been employed at the Wormfeeder Computer Repairs Corporation.
B6B: How the hell did I get such a great job? I am a beaver after all!
Bloke: Hey, can you sort this machine out for me? It keeps crashing! The owner’s a regular!
B6B: Sure! I’ll give it a go!
B6B scans the computer for viruses….
B6B: My God! It’s full of pornography! And the worst kind…Gay pornography!
Captains Personal Diary Star Date 7.5: Time just seems to drag endlessly on. Will we be stuck in these dead end jobs for all eternity? Will we ever see each other again? Am I merely talking to myself to relieve the pain?
Paul: I’m still here!
Captain: Damn it!
Meanwhile at the Wormfeeder Computer Repairs Corporation…
B6B: Gay Porn? This sickens me, yet somehow arouses me….
Bloke: What?
B6B: Sickens me! Just plain sickens me! But now that I’ve found out who owns the machine I may be able to use it to my advantage! Ha!
The Starship Beaverprise sits in the dock of the bay waiting for the morning sun…or something! B6B heads to the service station next to it!
B6B: Mr. Servicer, sir! I do believe I have you out numbered!
Servicer: Huh?
B6B: Gay Porn! You sick freak!
Servicer: My God, noooo! If this gets out my career will be ruined! I’ll be a laughing stock! They’ll burn me at the stake…or even worse, make me the Captain of that awful Starship Beaverprise!
B6B: Well maybe if you gave us the ship back we could come to some sort of compromise!
Servicer: Yes, that sounds fair! Let’s do it! The ship’s yours, just give me my porn back!
B6B enters the Starship Beaverprise, only to find it’s crew already on board!
B6B: What the hell are you doing here?
Alex: Oh, didn’t you get my text?
B6B: No, what did it say?
Alex: Well we got fed up with our jobs on Blurg9, so we decided to steal the ship and become rebels from the World Beaver Federation!
B6B: No need! I found gay porn on the Servicer’s computer and bribed him with it to give us the ship back!
Captain: Oh well! Either way’s good!
B6B: I guess we don’t need to keep the deal anymore then! This gay porn scandal will be in all the papers by tomorrow morning!
Servicer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
B6B: Fool!
Captain: Set phasers to stun! I mean, use the force Luke! That is, take us to Warp 8!
Moe: Aye! Aye! Captain!
Captain: So Ed! What did you do whilst you were on Blurg9?
Ed: I dunno, Alex couldn’t think of anything humorous! I guess I did something really exciting like become a trolley pusher at some un-named supermarket!
Alex: Hey, that was me!
R.O.B.E: I guess we’ll never know! But just for the record, I was actually enjoying my new job! It was much better pay than what I’m getting for this…even if everybody around me was gay.
Captains Log Star Date 7.6: And so we have returned to the Starship Beaverprise. Ready for many future missions that we may be sent on. Let’s just hope they’ll be as exciting as all the rest!
Nobody knows what will become of us. Well I can’t really think of anything else to say, which isn’t good! But anyway, I usually ramble on in these logs anyway…well that’s what Alex thinks, so who cares? I mean it’s not like anyone’s ever going to read these. And if they did, what would they….
R.O.B.E. has become bored of the Captains various ramblings and so has spared you from hearing any more.
The Second Season Premiere
A Shough-Gilmour Production
Written By: Alex Gilmour
Based on the Concept Created By: Justin Shough
Additional Material/Edited By: Justin Shough
Logging into R.O.B.E.
Performing retina scan…scan has failed.
Hacking into R.O.B.E.
Accessing confidential information on Mission 7, for the eyes of World Beaver Federation members only. If you are caught illegally accessing these files you will be beaten to a bloody pulp. Enjoy your visit.
Captains Log Star Date 7.1: Following the intense and thought-provoking experience that was our last mission, the ship was badly damaged in the various space battles we had against the evil Darth Wagner and her Beaverson Clones. We are heading to the nearest friendly planet, Blurg9, a planet similar to Earth where we can hopefully repair the ship. After destroying the Death Star we returned to Nal Hunka to rescue Michelle from the evil crime lord, Jabba the Hunk. We were successful and she was soon reunited with Ed, who had completely thawed out of the chocolate he was frozen in. We also picked up R.O.B.E. from the Planet of Tanzanine and he has been returned to the ship’s computer.
B6B: Captain, we’re just passing Pluto now!
Captain: O, wow! The cute little dog?
B6B: No, the planet sir!
Captain: Er, yes. Of course!
Moe: Captain! I think something just entered the ship, but I can’t be sure. The sensors aren’t what they were! It wasn’t anything too big, but it seems to have entered the ventilation shaft. If it gets into our warp core it could stop the ship from functioning, thus leaving us stranded in space. Until the oxygen runs out of course and then we’d all suffocate, except for R.O.B.E. because he’s a computer and doesn’t breath…
Captain: We have a warp core? I mean, why are you talking so much?
Moe: Well I don’t always get a lot to say so I thought I’d try and get a bigger role by proving myself.
Captain: What do you think this is? The army?
Moe: It’s not? Oh crap! That means I signed on the wrong dotted line! I knew I should have read the small print! Are we getting paid for this?
Paul: Yeah right!
Captain: You’re not getting paid?
Paul: No, I volunteered for this! Seeing as I’m such a nice, squeaky clean chappy!
Captain: You fool! I’m on £20,000 a year!
B6B: They pay me in snack treats!
R.O.B.E: I’m on £3.60 an hour and they didn’t give me a pay rise when I was 18 either. I have to get up at 6 in the morning so that I can milk the cows and feed the chickens, and if I’m lucky they’ll let me go home by 5!
Ed: Err…have you guys forgotten about the thing that entered the ventilation shafts? I know I’m kind of new around here, but I thought you would have sent somebody to get it out before the ship is destroyed!
Captain: Who the hell are you? O right, Ed! Yes of course, the ventilation shaft! Paul seeing as you’re not getting paid for this mission and thus have no real reason to live you can go into the vents and get it out!
Paul: No problem!
Captains Log Star Date 7.1-About 5 minutes after the last one: And so we have sent the mildly annoying one, no not R.O.B.E, Paul into the ventilation shaft to fetch out whatever it is that has entered our ship. Could it be an alien being? Or some sort of a shape shifter? Or a deadly disease that could wipe out millions? Or maybe even God himself!
(From inside the vent) Paul: Nope it’s a fly!
Muffled screams and crashes follow.
Captains Log Star Date 7.1-Another mere 5 minutes later: It has been a fight to the death. And Paul is dead. Luckily the fly left soon after nibbling at his carcass, probably because he didn’t like the taste of his meat. We have sent him to Sick Bay to see if Alex can revive him.
Jane Doe 4: Oh my god! Doctor is he…dead?
Alex: I’m afraid so, but….
Jane Doe 4: God noooooooo! I can’t live without him, he was my one and only! I loved that strange, yet wildly fascinating excuse for a human being!
She grabs a scalpel from the doctor’s table and slits her throat.
Alex: Has she stopped screaming now?
Michelle: Yes, she’s dead!
Alex: Good! Yeah, so anyway, as I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted. I should be able to revive Paul if I just hook him up to this machine, which would take me hours to explain to you all, but this is the future, so anything is possible! Except for immortality, but that’s another story!
Michelle: There’s no heart rate yet, doctor.
Alex: Ok, I’m going to have to inject him with this serum. It should take a couple of minutes, but revival is probable. I’ll just fill up the syringe and stick it….in….his….er…..
Michelle: What’s wrong doctor?
Alex: I canna do it! It’s too much! I feel kinda faint! Can’t stand the sight of needles and all that blood….
Alex faints and collapses on the floor.
Michelle: Oh well, looks like I’ll have to do it.
Michelle injects serum into Paul.
Michelle: His heart rate seems to be appearing on the monitor.
Paul: No that’s the microwave dear!
Michelle: You’re alive? Oh crap, I was hoping you’d die already! Doctor wake up he’s regained consciousness.
Alex: What? He’s alive? Oh great! That serum was supposed to kill him. Dammit! Something went wrong. Well seeing as he’s alive we may as well keep him in Sick Bay, but I’m not staying here with him. I’m heading to the bridge.
Michelle: Me neither. I’m off the ship’s gym to work on my body!
Paul: Err….Guys? Hello? Anybody?
In space no one can hear you yell!
Captains Log Star Date 7.2: Well it seems that our plan failed, I mean…Woo! Paul’s alive! Anyway we have entered Blurg9’s atmosphere and are proceeding to dock the ship at the service station…and Michelle’s body is looking better than ever.
B6B: Dock is complete Captain!
Captain: OK, everyone off the ship!
Captains Log Star Date 7.3: We have enjoyed a good night’s rest after the harrowing missions we have been on over the past year and the ship has been checked and repaired whilst we’ve been sleeping. We are now heading back to the ship to continue on our way.
Servicer: Good morning Captain! I’m glad you could make it! And I see you’ve brought the rest of the crew with you. Good good! That means this only needs to be said once! After a thorough check of your ship we have repaired everything and upgraded your weapons and shields. We also found these Oompa Loompas in a cage in the cargo bay.
Alex: My God! I remember them! Weren’t they supposed to be part of the crew?
Captain: Apparently, but we obviously forgot to unpack them!
Servicer: I’m afraid both are now dead. But that isn’t my concern. My biggest shock was after I scanned R.O.B.E, only to find that the ship’s computer had over 200 different viruses and hundreds of pornographic pictures.
Captain: Did you find the videos too? I mean, porn on our ship?
Servicer: Anyway, however arousing these pictures may be this is highly illegal activity and must be dealt with in the correct manner. As such I have called in Admiral Lodge of the World Beaver Federation to settle this matter.
In the sky above a very small space shuttle hovers down and docks alongside the Starship Beaverprise. From it a very tall man with a moustache emerges.
Admiral Lodge: Ah! Mr. Shough, Mr. Gilmour, Mr. Jones, Mr. Sadler, Mr. Stevens, Mr. Blackbourn, Mr. Jones the second, Mr. Doe. How are we this fine morning?
Alex: But I handed my Geography coursework in! I did, you saw me! It’s the one in the yellow folder dammit!
Admiral Lodge: Errr…Yes, so anyway. I understand we’ve been having a bit of a problem in the ship’s computer department? Am I right in thinking that?
Captain: Yes, Admiral. We seem to have accidentally downloaded some pornography whilst surfing the internet! Oh and I don’t want to take the A2 course ok?
Admiral Lodge: Yes of course. Accidentally? Ha! A bit like the time you accidentally failed your AS exams?
Paul: Er…What the hell are you lot talking about?
Captain: Shut up college boy
Admiral Lodge: Don’t talk to your superior officers that way! Anyway, I’m afraid to inform you that due to the pornography the World Beaver Federation is going to have to give you the ultimate punishment!
Crew: Gasp!
Admiral Lodge: Yes, you are hereby stripped of…
Captain: …our clothes? You bastard!
Admiral Lodge: …No, your Starship Beaverprise club badges and membership cards and you will have to find yourselves new jobs! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Captain: Oh, that’s much worse!
Alex: Ahhh, Christ! What the hell was that noise?
Admiral Lodge: I don’t know, it may have been the drugs! Anyway, I’ll see you in Tuesday’s lesson.
John Doe 32: We’re unemployed? Good God! What am I going to do? I have no references, no previous experience….I don’t even know how to tie my own shoe laces!!!!
As John Doe 32 runs around screaming he trips over one of his loose laces and into a man hole, smashing his head open as he hits the concrete sewars below.
B6B: So what are we supposed to do now?
Alex: Cover up the man hole?
Captain: It seems there is only one possibility! We must beat the Servicer to death and steal the Starship Beaverprise, thus flying into space and rescuing Earth from an oncoming terror and saving all of mankind, which should be enough to get our badges and membership cards back!
Alex: Too late! The Admiral’s just flown off with the Servicer in the Starship Beaverprise!
Captain: Damn it! Well it looks like we’ll just have to get jobs like the Admiral said!
Alex: Let’s go!
Captain’s Personal Diary Star Date 7.4: The ex-crew members of the Starship Beaverprise have all gone they’re separate ways, even R.O.B.E, who Moe downloaded onto a microchip whilst we were talking to Admiral Lodge yesterday. I have managed to regain a high standing in the community and am serving drinks at local W.I. meetings. What the rest of the crew will do without me is unknown, but I hope they can survive without each other in this new and uncharted region….
Paul: Blurg9? A planet similar to Earth?
Captain: Yes, a planet similar to Earth! Are you still here? I thought you got a new job!
Paul: I did! I’m part of the W.I. now!
Captain: God, nooooo!
Meanwhile in the deeper regions of somewhere or other John Doe 33 has just started his new job as a driver for Carlsblurg lager deliveries…
John Doe 33: Woo! I could have the greatest job known to man!
Suddenly the lorry grinds to a halt. John Doe 33 looks at the fuel gauge and sees that it’s empty.
John Doe 33: Damn it! Now I’m gonna have to get some more fuel! I’m gonna need the emergency services! Maybe that cottage over there has a tele-communications link.
He knocks on the door of the cottage and a small and very old woman answers the door.
Woman: Hello!
John Doe 33: Hi! Can I use your phone….I mean tele-communications link.
Woman: Please, do come in!
She points him in the way of the phone and whilst he uses it she peers out of the window at the Carlsblurg lorry. A glint appears in here eyes.
Woman: Would you like to use the bathroom?
John Doe 33: Er…Yeah, If you like!
Woman: It’s just through here….
John Doe 33 walks through a doorway and falls down a hole. The woman closes a trap door and places a rug over it.
John Doe 33: Aaaarggghhh! Where the hell am I?
Old man with beard: This is the basement! You’ll never get out alive!
John Doe 33: David Hull?!? So this is where you’ve been!
At 31 Filby Road, Blurgham…..
Alex: Well my job is positively absolutely the most boring in the world! How the hell did I become a trolley pusher!?! What the hell kind of a job is that anyway? Well I guess I’ll just watch some TV…
Switches the TV on.
Commentator: Welcome to another premiere match on the only sports channel worth watching, ITV64! I’m your host….R.O.B.E!
Alex: R.O.B.E? He’s a commentator on TV? The bastard!
R.O.B.E: Tonight it’s the Universe Cup Final between Earth and Blurg6! This is the first time Earth has made it to the finals since their victory in ’66, when they beat the Martians in the final minutes of the game! So enjoy, as we watch the only football competition in the universe to be fully populated by gays!
Alex: Moowhahahahahahaa!
R.O.B.E: Shut up!
Alex: Eh? How the hell did he do that?!?
Whilst this has all been going on B6B has been employed at the Wormfeeder Computer Repairs Corporation.
B6B: How the hell did I get such a great job? I am a beaver after all!
Bloke: Hey, can you sort this machine out for me? It keeps crashing! The owner’s a regular!
B6B: Sure! I’ll give it a go!
B6B scans the computer for viruses….
B6B: My God! It’s full of pornography! And the worst kind…Gay pornography!
Captains Personal Diary Star Date 7.5: Time just seems to drag endlessly on. Will we be stuck in these dead end jobs for all eternity? Will we ever see each other again? Am I merely talking to myself to relieve the pain?
Paul: I’m still here!
Captain: Damn it!
Meanwhile at the Wormfeeder Computer Repairs Corporation…
B6B: Gay Porn? This sickens me, yet somehow arouses me….
Bloke: What?
B6B: Sickens me! Just plain sickens me! But now that I’ve found out who owns the machine I may be able to use it to my advantage! Ha!
The Starship Beaverprise sits in the dock of the bay waiting for the morning sun…or something! B6B heads to the service station next to it!
B6B: Mr. Servicer, sir! I do believe I have you out numbered!
Servicer: Huh?
B6B: Gay Porn! You sick freak!
Servicer: My God, noooo! If this gets out my career will be ruined! I’ll be a laughing stock! They’ll burn me at the stake…or even worse, make me the Captain of that awful Starship Beaverprise!
B6B: Well maybe if you gave us the ship back we could come to some sort of compromise!
Servicer: Yes, that sounds fair! Let’s do it! The ship’s yours, just give me my porn back!
B6B enters the Starship Beaverprise, only to find it’s crew already on board!
B6B: What the hell are you doing here?
Alex: Oh, didn’t you get my text?
B6B: No, what did it say?
Alex: Well we got fed up with our jobs on Blurg9, so we decided to steal the ship and become rebels from the World Beaver Federation!
B6B: No need! I found gay porn on the Servicer’s computer and bribed him with it to give us the ship back!
Captain: Oh well! Either way’s good!
B6B: I guess we don’t need to keep the deal anymore then! This gay porn scandal will be in all the papers by tomorrow morning!
Servicer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
B6B: Fool!
Captain: Set phasers to stun! I mean, use the force Luke! That is, take us to Warp 8!
Moe: Aye! Aye! Captain!
Captain: So Ed! What did you do whilst you were on Blurg9?
Ed: I dunno, Alex couldn’t think of anything humorous! I guess I did something really exciting like become a trolley pusher at some un-named supermarket!
Alex: Hey, that was me!
R.O.B.E: I guess we’ll never know! But just for the record, I was actually enjoying my new job! It was much better pay than what I’m getting for this…even if everybody around me was gay.
Captains Log Star Date 7.6: And so we have returned to the Starship Beaverprise. Ready for many future missions that we may be sent on. Let’s just hope they’ll be as exciting as all the rest!
Nobody knows what will become of us. Well I can’t really think of anything else to say, which isn’t good! But anyway, I usually ramble on in these logs anyway…well that’s what Alex thinks, so who cares? I mean it’s not like anyone’s ever going to read these. And if they did, what would they….
R.O.B.E. has become bored of the Captains various ramblings and so has spared you from hearing any more.
