Season Finale-
Episode 12-The Day The Ship Stood Still (a.k.a. Moe And The Cupcakes)
A Shough-Gilmour Production
3,981 Words Of Pure Genius
Written and Devised By: Justin Shough and Alex Gilmour
Logging Into R.O.B.E…The Episode Has Been Secretly Written By Alex And Justin In A Top Secret Government Facility Deep Underground In Peru.
Captains Log Star Date 12.9: Where are we? Where are we going? Why did this happen? What will happen next? The crew and I have spent most of the past 3 days confined to our rooms deep in thought about these questions, and we are still in shock after the tragic events that have befallen us…
Moe: Do you want any cupcakes?
Captain: Three please…I mean, shut up you fool! Anyway now that B6B has just regained consciousness we can begin to tell him everything that happened that tragic afternoon, three days ago.
B6B: Cool!
Captain: No, you fool! Tragic!
R.O.B.E.-Actually I’m going to tell the story!
Paul: Why?
R.O.B.E.-Because I feel like it!
Paul: So… you couldn’t think of a reason, yeah?
R.O.B.E.-Exactly! Anyway, it all began ten years ago, when I was pushing drugs on the streets of San Diego…
Captain: What? Not that story you idiot!
R.O.B.E.-O right! Of course…so yeah it all began mid-day, three days ago…
Michelle had just got out of the shower, she was wearing nothing but a towel. I’m sure I saw Alex watching her…
Paul: What? Didn’t you dream that…or was it me?
Moe: Yeah we all dreamt that!
Captain: Shut up, look lets give R.O.B.E. one more chance to tell the story properly.
R.O.B.E.-What I was ready for bed! Oh I suppose I could tell it, although I am already in my pyjamas…Like most stories it began with a humorous situation. Ed was playing ping-pong with B6B…
Captain: What that never happened! B6B has already been knocked unconscious the day before. Remember? We were travelling through an asteroid field and Moe left the controls for a mere second to go to the bathroom and the ship was hit by an asteroid, the force it created against the ships hull was enough to almost crush B6B’s head like a melon. You stupid computer R.O.B.E.! we are supposed to be telling the story to B6B, that’s the whole point!
R.O.B.E.-There’s a point?
Captain: Turn him off Moe! I’ll tell the story dammit!
Moe: Aye, aye captain
Moe Turns R.O.B.E. Off…
R.O.B.E.-Nooooooooo! You bas……
Captain: Anyway lets get on with it
Paul: With what?
Captain: The story you fool!
Three Days Earlier…
Alex: What? Why haven’t I said anything yet?
Captain: No-one has!
Ed: We’ve just got out of bed!
Michelle: Well everyone except Andrew!
Moe: What? We got out of bed? Why?
Captain: I dunno…o wait, yeah! We’ve actually got to do some work this week, unlike last week when we pushed drugs on the streets of Manhattan!
R.O.B.E.-Yeah, that was fun!
Paul: What didn’t we turn him off?
Ed: Err that must have been a dream!
Captain: So Alex, how’s B6B doing?
Alex: Isn’t he dead?
Michelle: No! he’s just unconscious!
Captain: Err you were supposed to check up on him every five minutes you fool!
Alex: Err yeah…every five minutes, I’ll be right back!
Alex breaks into a sweat as he runs toward the medical lab…
Paul: I wonder where he’s going…
Captain: Anyway, why the hell are all of you in my bedroom quarters?
Paul: For convenience?
Captain: Eh?
Ed: But weren’t you going to tell us what we’re supposed to be doing today?
Captain: Oh yeah, I will but let’s meet in the observation room in ten minutes, I need to get some clothes on!
Moe: Good idea, we ought to as well!
In The Observation Room Ten Minutes Later…
Captain: Right, so today…
Michelle: Er…captain? Weren’t you going to put some clothes on?
Captain: Er, whoops! Ill be right back!
Paul: Despite being aroused I feel that the captains nakedness is interfering with the plot!
Alex: What plot? There’s a plot?
Captain: Back! So as I was saying…Today we’ve got to visit the planet of Eloh-Kclab to make peace with some species you have never heard of before!
Ed: Didn’t we do that last week, and the week before?
R.O.B.E.-We did it last week, but the week before we pushed drugs on the streets of San Francisco!
Alex: What was that again?
Captain: You fool Alex nobody will get that!
Alex: O well!
B6B: Captain I’ve set coordinates for Eloh-Kclab!
Alex: What? aren’t you supposed to be dead? Or unconscious or something!
B6B: Oh yeah, sorry!
B6B Walks Off…
Captain: Now that B6B has set the coordinates for that planet we mentioned earlier we can get on with this plot.
Captains Log Star Date 12.1:After two hours of travelling through the blackness of space that is the Delta region we’ve finally made it to Eloh-Kclab. On the way we decided to clean up the ship, as the Elohnites adore cleanliness, so we got John Doe 39 To remove the space dust from the now legendary Arship Eaverprise logo…I mean the Starship Beaverprise logo! He succeeded in his task however as he was about to return back into the ship through the air lock R.O.B.E. decided it was time to eject our weekly waste from the ship, John Doe 39 was caught up in our own filth and lost forever.
Alex: What? We lost our weekly waste? Nooooo!
Captain: Why do you always have to sit here and read all my posts with me? It’s supposed to be a personal thing
Alex: What? Shut up!
Paul: So why the hell did R.O.B.E. eject our weekly waste? He’s never done that before has he?
Captain: It was just for the purposes of a joke, or it has never been documented before…or something!
R.O.B.E.-Insert Plot Here
Moe: Lets turn him off again!
Alex: Again?
Captain: Anyway we’d better go down to the planet now…or we could just go and push drugs on the streets of Los Angeles…
Alex: Tempting…I mean, get on with it you idiot!
Captain: Okay, the people that are going down to the planet are;
Me, Alex, Ed, Michelle, Paul, John Doe 40, John Doe 41, Jane Doe 10 and Jane Doe 11
Moe: What about me?
Captain: What about you?
R.O.B.E.- You can stay here with me and we can look up tractors on the internet!
Moe: What? Noooo! You bastards!
Captains Log Star Date 12.2:We have successfully transported down to the planet Eloh-Kclab, well except Moe who will have to spend the entire duration of this mission with R.O.B.E. on the ship. Little do the foolish inhabitants of this planet know what we have got in store for them!
Alex: Isn’t this a peace mission?
Captain: Err yeah, peace…
An Unidentified Ship Lands In Front Of The Crew…
Alex: Who the hell is this?
Samuel L. Jackson: It’s me! Samuel L. Jackson, I’m finally here my brothers!
Paul: Not that it actually matters who you are, because nobody can actually see you or hear you, so it makes no difference who you are at all!
Captain: So what the hell are you doing here?
Samuel L. Jackson: I’m here for the season finale! Lets kick some clone ass!
Alex: Err that was last season!
Samuel L. Jackson: Ahh what? Anyway I’d heard Beaverprise had reached critical acclaim, I wanted to ride on the back of its success!
John Doe 40: The only thing you will be riding is your ship home!
Samuel L. Jackson: You do not want to mess with me, die you motherf*cker, die!!!
Samuel L. Jackson Pulls Out A Purple LightSaber (Only One Of Its Kind) Fresh from another clone war, and drives it straight into the heart of John Doe 40!
Samuel L. Jackson: See you in hell!
Alex: Yeah, cya later!
Justin: My mum always told me I was going to heaven, bastard!
Samuel L. Jackson Gets Back Onto His Ship And Flies Off Into The Distance As The Crew Begin Their Journey To Wherever They Are Going…
As They Are Walking Towards A Nearby Settlement Two Yarnellite Guards Appear…
Yarnellite Guard #1: What the hell are we doing here?
Yarnellite Guard #2: I don’t know, whoever wrote this must be confused
Captain: Yeah, where are we?
The Yarnellite Guards walk off, and two Elohnite Guards Appear…
Elohnite Guard #1: Halt. By the order of the high priest Elohnite you are under arrest!
Crew: Why?
Elohnite Guard #2: We have reason to believe you’ve been pushing drugs on the streets of Chicago!
Jane Doe 10: I admit it! It was me!
Jane Doe 10 Runs Off Screaming As She Is Running A Packet Containing White Powder Falls Out Of Her Pocket…
Elohnite Guard #1: Oh well, let her go. She is of no concern to us now
Alex: What? No!
He Pulls Out A Gun Ands Shoots Jane Doe 10 In The Head…
Alex: Die you traitor!!
Elohnite Guard #2: O well, you’ve still gotta come with us, with the charge of…Harbouring a criminal!
R.O.B.E…Beaverprise Will be Back After This Message From Our Sponsors
Message: Do you know of a Beaver who has been ethnically abused? Here at the NPPB (National Protection And Preservation For Beavers) we highly value all Beaver kinds and protect them from the DTAB (Death To All Beavers) Please Ring 0845 991 991 Now and donate some money to your beaver friends.
R.O.B.E….And Now Back To Beaverprise…
Alex: Where are you taking us?
Elohnite Guard #1: You are to be tried in court!
Michelle: But I cant! I had plans to push drugs on the streets of Miami!
Elohnite Guard #2: The only thing you will be pushing is…err…um, forget it!
Elohnite Guard #1: You idiot!
The Elohnite Guards Drag The Crew Off And Throw Them In Prison…
In Prison Cell No: 030702
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Paul: It’s me Paul! The one you love!
Captain: What? Not you! That strange and twisted woman hiding in the corner!
Michelle: Oh my god! It’s the wicked witch of the west!
Paul Screams Like A Woman Then Inexplicitly Throws A Bucket Of Water Over The Old Hag…
Anthea Turner: Ah! You Bastard! I’m not the wicked witch of the west! She’s in the cell next to us! I’m Anthea Turner ex-presenter of Blue Peter!
Ed: Blue what?
Alex: Err, we’ve never heard of that! Didn’t you do anything else?
Anthea Turner: Actually, no I didn’t!
Elohnite Guard #1: (Talking To Anthea Turner) Your time is up you evil bitch! You have tormented us with Tracy Island one too many times! You Are To Be Hung At Dawn!
Elohnite Guard #2: (Talking To The Crew) And you freaks will be assorted to the courtroom now!
Alex: Cool!
Paul: Gulp!
Ed: Isn’t that the wrong way around?
Captain: What?
In The Court Room…
Captain: So is this going to be like Ally Mc-Beal then?
Ed: Ally Mc-What?
Paul: Ally Mc-Beaver?
Michelle: Didn’t we just use that joke?
Captain: Sorry? What? I wasn’t listening…I was thinking about the time we pushed drugs on the streets of San Antonio.
Alex: Me too!
The Judge Enters The Room…
Bloke: All rise for the honourable Judge Sandie Barret
Paul: Ah crap, it’s a woman!
Judge Barret: Actually, I’m a bloke!
Bloke: No, I’m a bloke!
Ed and Alex: Well that was a crap joke
Captain: Lets hope the jury isn’t biased against us
Paul: Or for us
Captain: No. That would be a good thing, you idiot!
Bloke: For the persons reading this and to get in a couple more un-related jokes, the jury is as follows…
Boba Muffet
Boba Muffet: Guess who’s back, back a…(gets cut off)
Bloke: Indian Chief
Indian chief: Hi, its great to be here. But why is there a dog licking my feet?
Bloke: Back from a heroic mission on Earth many years ago its Alien Bounty hunter #2
Silence…
Bloke: Wellie The dog
Wellie: Hi everybody
Bloke: Admiral Lodge
Admiral Lodge Makes A High Pitched Noise That Only Wellie Can Hear…
Bloke: Obi-Young Kenobi
Obi-Young Kenobi: I’m getting paid for this right?
Bloke: Aerosmithian The Great
Aerosmithian The Great: Is that a lightsaber in Obi-Young Kenobi’s pocket or is he just pleased to see me?
Bloke: Zip Finnigan
Zip Finnigan: I can’t think of anything funny to say!
Bloke: Norman, The Fatboy slim
Norman: What? I didn’t agree to this!
Bloke: Osma Bin Laden
Osma Bin Laden: Hello America! How’s Everybody Tonight?
Bloke: R.O.B.E.
Captain: What? R.O.B.E.?
Bloke: And an Oompa Loompa to make up the numbers…
Oompa Loompa: Oompa Loompa dake up the dumbers, I’m just here to make up the numbers!
Zip Finnigan: What? You ripped that off Futurama!
Alex + Captain: Err… yeah! Anyway on with the trial.
Judge Barret: Crew of the Starship Beaverprise you have been charged with the following offences:
Harbouring A Criminal
And Ripping Off Futurama
How do you plead?
Paul: How do I bleed?
Wellie: Where’s my lead?
Judge Barret: No! how do you plead?
Ed: Guilty of all charges!
Captain: I think what Ed meant to say was, not guilty of both charges
Ed: No I didn’t!
Alex: Yeah and we kinda did rip off Futurama!
Michelle: What? Shut up you fools!
Judge Barret: Prosecution, make your case!
R.O.B.E.: Prostitution? Ill be right back…
Prosecution: Where were you on the date in question?
Captain: date? Ehhh I was watching erm…oh yes! I was watching Michelle in the shower.
Paul: Yeah and I was watching the captain watch Michelle in the shower!
Ed: What? Why wasn’t I there?
Prosecution: Why indeed. Can anybody verify your whereabouts that day?
Michelle: Yeah I can, Ed was there too…everyone was there watching me. We have it on this video tape!
Jury: Gasp!
Prosecution: Can we see this tape?
Michelle: Only if your age 18 or over!
Paul: Can I see it?
Prosecution: Have any of you taken drugs before?
Captain: Drugs is such a strong word…
Moe: Define the meaning of drugs
Paul: That’s for me to know and for you to find out!
Prosecution: May I remind you that your are under oath, Ed have you taken drugs before?
Ed: Grade A or Grade B?
Prosecution: Hang on ill ask R.O.B.E….
R.O.B.E. Sits in the corner sweating…
Prosecution: May I show you exhibit A, have any of you seen this before? It fell out of Jane Doe10’s pocket earlier today.
Crew: No!
John Doe 41: I have!
Jury: Gasp!
John Doe 41: It’s salt, Jane Doe 10 Carried it around with her as a good luck charm.
Jury: Gasp!
John Doe 41: Its ironic seen as it was the reason she was killed!
Prosecution: No further questions your honour.
Alex: Wait! Everyone look at exhibit B you freaks! Look what you have done to her! You’ve reduced Jane Doe 10 To a burning pile of bones!
Ed: Didn’t you do that?
Captain: No further questions!
Judge Barret: The Jury is dismissed! You have 1 minute to live!
Judge Barret: I mean…to reach your verdict!
The Jury Runs Off…
Boba Muffet: So what does everybody think?
Indian Chief: I think world peace is impossible now!
Osma Bin Laden: Yeah probably!
Boba Muffet: So, on the first charge I find them not guilty, mainly because they allowed me to be in one more episode.
Indian Chief: us Indians believe that if we do drugs it will one day lead us to the promised land, so not guilty.
R.O.B.E.: I’ve pushed drugs on the streets of Michigan for years now! So not guilty!
Osma Bin Laden: Drugs are the foundation of terrorism, so not guilty!
Wellie: I’m high now!
Ooompa Loompa: Ive been doing drugs all my life! Why else would I have orange skin and green hair?
Wellie: Right on man!
Zip Finnigan: I use drugs to seduce women
Boba Muffet: Then we are all agreed, we find them not guilty of harbouring a criminal related with drugs… and on the second charge, ripping off Futurama?
Obi-Young: Well…they rip off Star Wars for starters
Norman: And music…
Aerosmithian the great: And real life
Admiral Lodge: And especially Futurama!
Boba Muffet: Then it is settled! Quick lets get back to the courtroom, we only have 21 seconds to live!
R.O.B.E.-Beaverprise Will Be Back After This Short Message From Our Sponsor…
Here At the DNTDWYD (Do Not Take Drugs Whatever You Do) We Know That Drugs Are Bad And You Should Never Take Them, However Beaverprise Depicts Them As A Great Resource For Mankind and Beavers Alike Therefore Our Organisation Is Closing Down, Don’t Call Us on 0800 727251 Nobody Will Answer…
R.O.B.E.-And Now Back To Beaverprise…
In The Court Room…
Judge Barret: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Boba Muffet: Yes your honour, on the first charge of harbouring a criminal , we find the defendants not guilty.
Judge Barret: And on the second charge?
Boba Muffet: On the charge of ripping off Futurama we find the defendants guilty.
R.O.B.E.: Bite my shiny gold metal ass!
Judge Barret: I have heard the damming evidence from yourselves, R.O.B.E. and everybody else and as a senior producer of 31st Century Fox I have no choice but to sentence you all to death. On the other hand nothing in Futurama is original anyway, so I am willing to sentence two of you to certain death.
R.O.B.E.: Can I decide which two?
Judge Barret: DENIED! However, you do remind me of me when I was a robot, but still you cannot choose who must die
Paul: You remind me of me when I was a woman!
Judge Barret: Well I’m glad to see that me sentencing two of you to death hasn’t stopped you from cracking jokes, I’m sure when you come to terms with the fact that two of you must die you wont be eager to joke.
Alex: You and me both know that’s not true!
Captain: Yeah! We’re committed to our loyal fans, except Ed apparently because he hated Episode 10.
Ed: I only didn’t like it because you all got to see your parents, and I didn’t because I am a hologram.
Paul: Don’t cry, ill make it better
Ed: What? Get off!!
Judge Barret: Which of you will die? You must choose amongst yourselves now
Everyone Looks At Each Other And Laughs. Then John Doe 41 And Jane Doe 11 Step Forward
John Doe 41: I guess that’s us then.
Jane Doe 11: Yeah, how predictable was that?
The Captain Steps Forward…
Captain: Not as unpredictable as what I’m about to say! I cannot allow any more bloodshed on my hands. As the captain of the Starship Beaverprise I am prepared to die, and I’m taking Alex with me!
Alex: Cool! I think you have made the right decision! Wait did you say you was taking me?
Jane Doe 11: How unpredictable was that? Answers to the usual address!
Judge Barret: Then It is done, the captain and Alex shall die before sunset tomorrow.
Captain: Why not tonight?
Judge Barret: What? You want to die now?
Alex: Yeah we’re kinda running out of time here!
Captain: Yeah we’ve been writing this for the past two months!
Judge Barret: Then it is done. You shall die tonight!
Captain+Alex: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Captains Log Star Date 12.3: After all that has happened who would have thought it would come to this? Well the script writers and that Nostradamus bloke, but it has been such a glorious mission I never imagined it would end this way.
Paul: I did, I dreamt this would happen last week!
Alex: Why didn’t you tell us?
Paul: Well, I didn’t want to spoil the surprise!
Captain: Well at least this is the last episode ever!
Ed: Actually we’ve been commissioned for at least another 200 episodes!
Paul: What? Why only 200?
At Sunset…
Alex And The Captain Are Tied To A Large Rocket…
Judge Barret: Yeah, so basically we’re going to fire you into a black hole via this rocket
Michelle: Sounds like fun
Captain: That rocket doesn’t look very safe
Judge Barret: So, you’re going to die anyway!
Alex: Well hurry up then. We haven’t got all day!
Judge Barret Goes To Light Up The Rocket…
Alex: Can I do it?
Judge Barret: No you fool!
Judge Barret Lights The Rocket…
Bloke: 5, 4
Paul: Isn’t this exciting?
Alex: Yeah it is!
Bloke: 2, 1
BLAST OFF!
The Rocket Flies Off Into Space…
Paul: I wonder where Alex and Justin are going…
Michelle: To die you fool!
Paul: No, they cant…I love them!
Ed: You do?
Paul: Well, just Alex!
High In The Sky As The Rocket is Hurtling Towards The Black Hole…
Captain: You bastard!
Alex: Don’t call me that!
Captain: Not you, Paul!
Alex: So were going to die yeah?
Captain: Yeah. Did you see the Simpsons last night?
Grim Reaper: That’s the least of your worries.
Alex: Oh my God! We’re there, this is it!
Captain: What?
Alex + Captain: Nooooooooo!
The Rocket Disappears Into The Black Hole Along With Alex And Justin…
R.O.B.E.’s Log Star Date 12.4: The crew and I have just returned to the ship mere hours after the tragic events that took place on Eloh-Kcalb. Though it was partly my fault they died I don’t feel at all upset, the fact that John Doe 41 and Jane Doe 11 died too after jumping into the black hole for the hell of it makes the other deaths seem not so bad.
Moe: Yeah, who cares!
Ed: What? Anyway what were you doing whilst Alex and the Captain died?
Moe: Oh, I just baked some cupcakes!
Paul: So what are we going to do now?
Michelle: Maybe we should pick a new captain.
Moe: Let R.O.B.E. decide, like he had to last time
R.O.B.E.: Why? It’s not like I’m the ships computer or something!
Ed: Okay, well knows the next highest ranking crew member alive?
Michelle: That’s B6B
Paul: Well he’s dead or unconscious or something so lets just pick straws!
John Doe 42: That sounds like fun, lets do it!
10 Minutes Later The Crew Gathers Around To Pick Straws…
Michelle: So is everyone here?
Paul: Alex and Justin aren’t here yet for some reason
Michelle: So everyone has to pick a straw, we all have an equal chance of being the new captain despite what people may say, the one who picks the longest straw will be the new captain and the one with the shortest…must die!
They All Pick Straws…
John Doe 41: Yes, yes! I have the longest straw! For once I have come out on top! Mwahahaha!
John Doe 41 waves his arms about in excitement and accidentally pokes himself in the eye with the straw. Instantly killing him and all hopes of him being the new captain.
Michelle: Oh well, who has the next longest straw?
Moe: Me! I’ve got it!
Paul: No, the longest straw you fool!
Ed: That’s me then!
R.O.B.E.: Then Ed is the third captain of the legendary Starship Beaverprise!
Ed: Mwahahaha! The one captain to rule them all!
Michelle: Oh wait, we almost forget about the person with the shortest straw!
Paul Quickly Swaps His With Jane Doe 12’s…
Moe: Look! Jane Doe 12 has it!
Jane Doe 12 then went on to die a death so unimaginable that we couldn’t even begin to explain it…
Captains Log Star Date 12.5: So as the new captain, I, Ed, shall take the Starship Beaverprise into a new era of greatness…Not that it wasn’t great before! So the crew have now returned to their quarters for rest and I shall soon do the same. The memory of Justin and Alex will live on, for at least 1 or 2 more hours by which time we may forget about them forever…
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E….R.O.B.E. Cannot Hide His Great Sadness Anymore And Wants You To Leave Without Mocking Him.
Episode 12-The Day The Ship Stood Still (a.k.a. Moe And The Cupcakes)
A Shough-Gilmour Production
3,981 Words Of Pure Genius
Written and Devised By: Justin Shough and Alex Gilmour
Logging Into R.O.B.E…The Episode Has Been Secretly Written By Alex And Justin In A Top Secret Government Facility Deep Underground In Peru.
Captains Log Star Date 12.9: Where are we? Where are we going? Why did this happen? What will happen next? The crew and I have spent most of the past 3 days confined to our rooms deep in thought about these questions, and we are still in shock after the tragic events that have befallen us…
Moe: Do you want any cupcakes?
Captain: Three please…I mean, shut up you fool! Anyway now that B6B has just regained consciousness we can begin to tell him everything that happened that tragic afternoon, three days ago.
B6B: Cool!
Captain: No, you fool! Tragic!
R.O.B.E.-Actually I’m going to tell the story!
Paul: Why?
R.O.B.E.-Because I feel like it!
Paul: So… you couldn’t think of a reason, yeah?
R.O.B.E.-Exactly! Anyway, it all began ten years ago, when I was pushing drugs on the streets of San Diego…
Captain: What? Not that story you idiot!
R.O.B.E.-O right! Of course…so yeah it all began mid-day, three days ago…
Michelle had just got out of the shower, she was wearing nothing but a towel. I’m sure I saw Alex watching her…
Paul: What? Didn’t you dream that…or was it me?
Moe: Yeah we all dreamt that!
Captain: Shut up, look lets give R.O.B.E. one more chance to tell the story properly.
R.O.B.E.-What I was ready for bed! Oh I suppose I could tell it, although I am already in my pyjamas…Like most stories it began with a humorous situation. Ed was playing ping-pong with B6B…
Captain: What that never happened! B6B has already been knocked unconscious the day before. Remember? We were travelling through an asteroid field and Moe left the controls for a mere second to go to the bathroom and the ship was hit by an asteroid, the force it created against the ships hull was enough to almost crush B6B’s head like a melon. You stupid computer R.O.B.E.! we are supposed to be telling the story to B6B, that’s the whole point!
R.O.B.E.-There’s a point?
Captain: Turn him off Moe! I’ll tell the story dammit!
Moe: Aye, aye captain
Moe Turns R.O.B.E. Off…
R.O.B.E.-Nooooooooo! You bas……
Captain: Anyway lets get on with it
Paul: With what?
Captain: The story you fool!
Three Days Earlier…
Alex: What? Why haven’t I said anything yet?
Captain: No-one has!
Ed: We’ve just got out of bed!
Michelle: Well everyone except Andrew!
Moe: What? We got out of bed? Why?
Captain: I dunno…o wait, yeah! We’ve actually got to do some work this week, unlike last week when we pushed drugs on the streets of Manhattan!
R.O.B.E.-Yeah, that was fun!
Paul: What didn’t we turn him off?
Ed: Err that must have been a dream!
Captain: So Alex, how’s B6B doing?
Alex: Isn’t he dead?
Michelle: No! he’s just unconscious!
Captain: Err you were supposed to check up on him every five minutes you fool!
Alex: Err yeah…every five minutes, I’ll be right back!
Alex breaks into a sweat as he runs toward the medical lab…
Paul: I wonder where he’s going…
Captain: Anyway, why the hell are all of you in my bedroom quarters?
Paul: For convenience?
Captain: Eh?
Ed: But weren’t you going to tell us what we’re supposed to be doing today?
Captain: Oh yeah, I will but let’s meet in the observation room in ten minutes, I need to get some clothes on!
Moe: Good idea, we ought to as well!
In The Observation Room Ten Minutes Later…
Captain: Right, so today…
Michelle: Er…captain? Weren’t you going to put some clothes on?
Captain: Er, whoops! Ill be right back!
Paul: Despite being aroused I feel that the captains nakedness is interfering with the plot!
Alex: What plot? There’s a plot?
Captain: Back! So as I was saying…Today we’ve got to visit the planet of Eloh-Kclab to make peace with some species you have never heard of before!
Ed: Didn’t we do that last week, and the week before?
R.O.B.E.-We did it last week, but the week before we pushed drugs on the streets of San Francisco!
Alex: What was that again?
Captain: You fool Alex nobody will get that!
Alex: O well!
B6B: Captain I’ve set coordinates for Eloh-Kclab!
Alex: What? aren’t you supposed to be dead? Or unconscious or something!
B6B: Oh yeah, sorry!
B6B Walks Off…
Captain: Now that B6B has set the coordinates for that planet we mentioned earlier we can get on with this plot.
Captains Log Star Date 12.1:After two hours of travelling through the blackness of space that is the Delta region we’ve finally made it to Eloh-Kclab. On the way we decided to clean up the ship, as the Elohnites adore cleanliness, so we got John Doe 39 To remove the space dust from the now legendary Arship Eaverprise logo…I mean the Starship Beaverprise logo! He succeeded in his task however as he was about to return back into the ship through the air lock R.O.B.E. decided it was time to eject our weekly waste from the ship, John Doe 39 was caught up in our own filth and lost forever.
Alex: What? We lost our weekly waste? Nooooo!
Captain: Why do you always have to sit here and read all my posts with me? It’s supposed to be a personal thing
Alex: What? Shut up!
Paul: So why the hell did R.O.B.E. eject our weekly waste? He’s never done that before has he?
Captain: It was just for the purposes of a joke, or it has never been documented before…or something!
R.O.B.E.-Insert Plot Here
Moe: Lets turn him off again!
Alex: Again?
Captain: Anyway we’d better go down to the planet now…or we could just go and push drugs on the streets of Los Angeles…
Alex: Tempting…I mean, get on with it you idiot!
Captain: Okay, the people that are going down to the planet are;
Me, Alex, Ed, Michelle, Paul, John Doe 40, John Doe 41, Jane Doe 10 and Jane Doe 11
Moe: What about me?
Captain: What about you?
R.O.B.E.- You can stay here with me and we can look up tractors on the internet!
Moe: What? Noooo! You bastards!
Captains Log Star Date 12.2:We have successfully transported down to the planet Eloh-Kclab, well except Moe who will have to spend the entire duration of this mission with R.O.B.E. on the ship. Little do the foolish inhabitants of this planet know what we have got in store for them!
Alex: Isn’t this a peace mission?
Captain: Err yeah, peace…
An Unidentified Ship Lands In Front Of The Crew…
Alex: Who the hell is this?
Samuel L. Jackson: It’s me! Samuel L. Jackson, I’m finally here my brothers!
Paul: Not that it actually matters who you are, because nobody can actually see you or hear you, so it makes no difference who you are at all!
Captain: So what the hell are you doing here?
Samuel L. Jackson: I’m here for the season finale! Lets kick some clone ass!
Alex: Err that was last season!
Samuel L. Jackson: Ahh what? Anyway I’d heard Beaverprise had reached critical acclaim, I wanted to ride on the back of its success!
John Doe 40: The only thing you will be riding is your ship home!
Samuel L. Jackson: You do not want to mess with me, die you motherf*cker, die!!!
Samuel L. Jackson Pulls Out A Purple LightSaber (Only One Of Its Kind) Fresh from another clone war, and drives it straight into the heart of John Doe 40!
Samuel L. Jackson: See you in hell!
Alex: Yeah, cya later!
Justin: My mum always told me I was going to heaven, bastard!
Samuel L. Jackson Gets Back Onto His Ship And Flies Off Into The Distance As The Crew Begin Their Journey To Wherever They Are Going…
As They Are Walking Towards A Nearby Settlement Two Yarnellite Guards Appear…
Yarnellite Guard #1: What the hell are we doing here?
Yarnellite Guard #2: I don’t know, whoever wrote this must be confused
Captain: Yeah, where are we?
The Yarnellite Guards walk off, and two Elohnite Guards Appear…
Elohnite Guard #1: Halt. By the order of the high priest Elohnite you are under arrest!
Crew: Why?
Elohnite Guard #2: We have reason to believe you’ve been pushing drugs on the streets of Chicago!
Jane Doe 10: I admit it! It was me!
Jane Doe 10 Runs Off Screaming As She Is Running A Packet Containing White Powder Falls Out Of Her Pocket…
Elohnite Guard #1: Oh well, let her go. She is of no concern to us now
Alex: What? No!
He Pulls Out A Gun Ands Shoots Jane Doe 10 In The Head…
Alex: Die you traitor!!
Elohnite Guard #2: O well, you’ve still gotta come with us, with the charge of…Harbouring a criminal!
R.O.B.E…Beaverprise Will be Back After This Message From Our Sponsors
Message: Do you know of a Beaver who has been ethnically abused? Here at the NPPB (National Protection And Preservation For Beavers) we highly value all Beaver kinds and protect them from the DTAB (Death To All Beavers) Please Ring 0845 991 991 Now and donate some money to your beaver friends.
R.O.B.E….And Now Back To Beaverprise…
Alex: Where are you taking us?
Elohnite Guard #1: You are to be tried in court!
Michelle: But I cant! I had plans to push drugs on the streets of Miami!
Elohnite Guard #2: The only thing you will be pushing is…err…um, forget it!
Elohnite Guard #1: You idiot!
The Elohnite Guards Drag The Crew Off And Throw Them In Prison…
In Prison Cell No: 030702
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Paul: It’s me Paul! The one you love!
Captain: What? Not you! That strange and twisted woman hiding in the corner!
Michelle: Oh my god! It’s the wicked witch of the west!
Paul Screams Like A Woman Then Inexplicitly Throws A Bucket Of Water Over The Old Hag…
Anthea Turner: Ah! You Bastard! I’m not the wicked witch of the west! She’s in the cell next to us! I’m Anthea Turner ex-presenter of Blue Peter!
Ed: Blue what?
Alex: Err, we’ve never heard of that! Didn’t you do anything else?
Anthea Turner: Actually, no I didn’t!
Elohnite Guard #1: (Talking To Anthea Turner) Your time is up you evil bitch! You have tormented us with Tracy Island one too many times! You Are To Be Hung At Dawn!
Elohnite Guard #2: (Talking To The Crew) And you freaks will be assorted to the courtroom now!
Alex: Cool!
Paul: Gulp!
Ed: Isn’t that the wrong way around?
Captain: What?
In The Court Room…
Captain: So is this going to be like Ally Mc-Beal then?
Ed: Ally Mc-What?
Paul: Ally Mc-Beaver?
Michelle: Didn’t we just use that joke?
Captain: Sorry? What? I wasn’t listening…I was thinking about the time we pushed drugs on the streets of San Antonio.
Alex: Me too!
The Judge Enters The Room…
Bloke: All rise for the honourable Judge Sandie Barret
Paul: Ah crap, it’s a woman!
Judge Barret: Actually, I’m a bloke!
Bloke: No, I’m a bloke!
Ed and Alex: Well that was a crap joke
Captain: Lets hope the jury isn’t biased against us
Paul: Or for us
Captain: No. That would be a good thing, you idiot!
Bloke: For the persons reading this and to get in a couple more un-related jokes, the jury is as follows…
Boba Muffet
Boba Muffet: Guess who’s back, back a…(gets cut off)
Bloke: Indian Chief
Indian chief: Hi, its great to be here. But why is there a dog licking my feet?
Bloke: Back from a heroic mission on Earth many years ago its Alien Bounty hunter #2
Silence…
Bloke: Wellie The dog
Wellie: Hi everybody
Bloke: Admiral Lodge
Admiral Lodge Makes A High Pitched Noise That Only Wellie Can Hear…
Bloke: Obi-Young Kenobi
Obi-Young Kenobi: I’m getting paid for this right?
Bloke: Aerosmithian The Great
Aerosmithian The Great: Is that a lightsaber in Obi-Young Kenobi’s pocket or is he just pleased to see me?
Bloke: Zip Finnigan
Zip Finnigan: I can’t think of anything funny to say!
Bloke: Norman, The Fatboy slim
Norman: What? I didn’t agree to this!
Bloke: Osma Bin Laden
Osma Bin Laden: Hello America! How’s Everybody Tonight?
Bloke: R.O.B.E.
Captain: What? R.O.B.E.?
Bloke: And an Oompa Loompa to make up the numbers…
Oompa Loompa: Oompa Loompa dake up the dumbers, I’m just here to make up the numbers!
Zip Finnigan: What? You ripped that off Futurama!
Alex + Captain: Err… yeah! Anyway on with the trial.
Judge Barret: Crew of the Starship Beaverprise you have been charged with the following offences:
Harbouring A Criminal
And Ripping Off Futurama
How do you plead?
Paul: How do I bleed?
Wellie: Where’s my lead?
Judge Barret: No! how do you plead?
Ed: Guilty of all charges!
Captain: I think what Ed meant to say was, not guilty of both charges
Ed: No I didn’t!
Alex: Yeah and we kinda did rip off Futurama!
Michelle: What? Shut up you fools!
Judge Barret: Prosecution, make your case!
R.O.B.E.: Prostitution? Ill be right back…
Prosecution: Where were you on the date in question?
Captain: date? Ehhh I was watching erm…oh yes! I was watching Michelle in the shower.
Paul: Yeah and I was watching the captain watch Michelle in the shower!
Ed: What? Why wasn’t I there?
Prosecution: Why indeed. Can anybody verify your whereabouts that day?
Michelle: Yeah I can, Ed was there too…everyone was there watching me. We have it on this video tape!
Jury: Gasp!
Prosecution: Can we see this tape?
Michelle: Only if your age 18 or over!
Paul: Can I see it?
Prosecution: Have any of you taken drugs before?
Captain: Drugs is such a strong word…
Moe: Define the meaning of drugs
Paul: That’s for me to know and for you to find out!
Prosecution: May I remind you that your are under oath, Ed have you taken drugs before?
Ed: Grade A or Grade B?
Prosecution: Hang on ill ask R.O.B.E….
R.O.B.E. Sits in the corner sweating…
Prosecution: May I show you exhibit A, have any of you seen this before? It fell out of Jane Doe10’s pocket earlier today.
Crew: No!
John Doe 41: I have!
Jury: Gasp!
John Doe 41: It’s salt, Jane Doe 10 Carried it around with her as a good luck charm.
Jury: Gasp!
John Doe 41: Its ironic seen as it was the reason she was killed!
Prosecution: No further questions your honour.
Alex: Wait! Everyone look at exhibit B you freaks! Look what you have done to her! You’ve reduced Jane Doe 10 To a burning pile of bones!
Ed: Didn’t you do that?
Captain: No further questions!
Judge Barret: The Jury is dismissed! You have 1 minute to live!
Judge Barret: I mean…to reach your verdict!
The Jury Runs Off…
Boba Muffet: So what does everybody think?
Indian Chief: I think world peace is impossible now!
Osma Bin Laden: Yeah probably!
Boba Muffet: So, on the first charge I find them not guilty, mainly because they allowed me to be in one more episode.
Indian Chief: us Indians believe that if we do drugs it will one day lead us to the promised land, so not guilty.
R.O.B.E.: I’ve pushed drugs on the streets of Michigan for years now! So not guilty!
Osma Bin Laden: Drugs are the foundation of terrorism, so not guilty!
Wellie: I’m high now!
Ooompa Loompa: Ive been doing drugs all my life! Why else would I have orange skin and green hair?
Wellie: Right on man!
Zip Finnigan: I use drugs to seduce women
Boba Muffet: Then we are all agreed, we find them not guilty of harbouring a criminal related with drugs… and on the second charge, ripping off Futurama?
Obi-Young: Well…they rip off Star Wars for starters
Norman: And music…
Aerosmithian the great: And real life
Admiral Lodge: And especially Futurama!
Boba Muffet: Then it is settled! Quick lets get back to the courtroom, we only have 21 seconds to live!
R.O.B.E.-Beaverprise Will Be Back After This Short Message From Our Sponsor…
Here At the DNTDWYD (Do Not Take Drugs Whatever You Do) We Know That Drugs Are Bad And You Should Never Take Them, However Beaverprise Depicts Them As A Great Resource For Mankind and Beavers Alike Therefore Our Organisation Is Closing Down, Don’t Call Us on 0800 727251 Nobody Will Answer…
R.O.B.E.-And Now Back To Beaverprise…
In The Court Room…
Judge Barret: Has the jury reached a verdict?
Boba Muffet: Yes your honour, on the first charge of harbouring a criminal , we find the defendants not guilty.
Judge Barret: And on the second charge?
Boba Muffet: On the charge of ripping off Futurama we find the defendants guilty.
R.O.B.E.: Bite my shiny gold metal ass!
Judge Barret: I have heard the damming evidence from yourselves, R.O.B.E. and everybody else and as a senior producer of 31st Century Fox I have no choice but to sentence you all to death. On the other hand nothing in Futurama is original anyway, so I am willing to sentence two of you to certain death.
R.O.B.E.: Can I decide which two?
Judge Barret: DENIED! However, you do remind me of me when I was a robot, but still you cannot choose who must die
Paul: You remind me of me when I was a woman!
Judge Barret: Well I’m glad to see that me sentencing two of you to death hasn’t stopped you from cracking jokes, I’m sure when you come to terms with the fact that two of you must die you wont be eager to joke.
Alex: You and me both know that’s not true!
Captain: Yeah! We’re committed to our loyal fans, except Ed apparently because he hated Episode 10.
Ed: I only didn’t like it because you all got to see your parents, and I didn’t because I am a hologram.
Paul: Don’t cry, ill make it better
Ed: What? Get off!!
Judge Barret: Which of you will die? You must choose amongst yourselves now
Everyone Looks At Each Other And Laughs. Then John Doe 41 And Jane Doe 11 Step Forward
John Doe 41: I guess that’s us then.
Jane Doe 11: Yeah, how predictable was that?
The Captain Steps Forward…
Captain: Not as unpredictable as what I’m about to say! I cannot allow any more bloodshed on my hands. As the captain of the Starship Beaverprise I am prepared to die, and I’m taking Alex with me!
Alex: Cool! I think you have made the right decision! Wait did you say you was taking me?
Jane Doe 11: How unpredictable was that? Answers to the usual address!
Judge Barret: Then It is done, the captain and Alex shall die before sunset tomorrow.
Captain: Why not tonight?
Judge Barret: What? You want to die now?
Alex: Yeah we’re kinda running out of time here!
Captain: Yeah we’ve been writing this for the past two months!
Judge Barret: Then it is done. You shall die tonight!
Captain+Alex: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Captains Log Star Date 12.3: After all that has happened who would have thought it would come to this? Well the script writers and that Nostradamus bloke, but it has been such a glorious mission I never imagined it would end this way.
Paul: I did, I dreamt this would happen last week!
Alex: Why didn’t you tell us?
Paul: Well, I didn’t want to spoil the surprise!
Captain: Well at least this is the last episode ever!
Ed: Actually we’ve been commissioned for at least another 200 episodes!
Paul: What? Why only 200?
At Sunset…
Alex And The Captain Are Tied To A Large Rocket…
Judge Barret: Yeah, so basically we’re going to fire you into a black hole via this rocket
Michelle: Sounds like fun
Captain: That rocket doesn’t look very safe
Judge Barret: So, you’re going to die anyway!
Alex: Well hurry up then. We haven’t got all day!
Judge Barret Goes To Light Up The Rocket…
Alex: Can I do it?
Judge Barret: No you fool!
Judge Barret Lights The Rocket…
Bloke: 5, 4
Paul: Isn’t this exciting?
Alex: Yeah it is!
Bloke: 2, 1
BLAST OFF!
The Rocket Flies Off Into Space…
Paul: I wonder where Alex and Justin are going…
Michelle: To die you fool!
Paul: No, they cant…I love them!
Ed: You do?
Paul: Well, just Alex!
High In The Sky As The Rocket is Hurtling Towards The Black Hole…
Captain: You bastard!
Alex: Don’t call me that!
Captain: Not you, Paul!
Alex: So were going to die yeah?
Captain: Yeah. Did you see the Simpsons last night?
Grim Reaper: That’s the least of your worries.
Alex: Oh my God! We’re there, this is it!
Captain: What?
Alex + Captain: Nooooooooo!
The Rocket Disappears Into The Black Hole Along With Alex And Justin…
R.O.B.E.’s Log Star Date 12.4: The crew and I have just returned to the ship mere hours after the tragic events that took place on Eloh-Kcalb. Though it was partly my fault they died I don’t feel at all upset, the fact that John Doe 41 and Jane Doe 11 died too after jumping into the black hole for the hell of it makes the other deaths seem not so bad.
Moe: Yeah, who cares!
Ed: What? Anyway what were you doing whilst Alex and the Captain died?
Moe: Oh, I just baked some cupcakes!
Paul: So what are we going to do now?
Michelle: Maybe we should pick a new captain.
Moe: Let R.O.B.E. decide, like he had to last time
R.O.B.E.: Why? It’s not like I’m the ships computer or something!
Ed: Okay, well knows the next highest ranking crew member alive?
Michelle: That’s B6B
Paul: Well he’s dead or unconscious or something so lets just pick straws!
John Doe 42: That sounds like fun, lets do it!
10 Minutes Later The Crew Gathers Around To Pick Straws…
Michelle: So is everyone here?
Paul: Alex and Justin aren’t here yet for some reason
Michelle: So everyone has to pick a straw, we all have an equal chance of being the new captain despite what people may say, the one who picks the longest straw will be the new captain and the one with the shortest…must die!
They All Pick Straws…
John Doe 41: Yes, yes! I have the longest straw! For once I have come out on top! Mwahahaha!
John Doe 41 waves his arms about in excitement and accidentally pokes himself in the eye with the straw. Instantly killing him and all hopes of him being the new captain.
Michelle: Oh well, who has the next longest straw?
Moe: Me! I’ve got it!
Paul: No, the longest straw you fool!
Ed: That’s me then!
R.O.B.E.: Then Ed is the third captain of the legendary Starship Beaverprise!
Ed: Mwahahaha! The one captain to rule them all!
Michelle: Oh wait, we almost forget about the person with the shortest straw!
Paul Quickly Swaps His With Jane Doe 12’s…
Moe: Look! Jane Doe 12 has it!
Jane Doe 12 then went on to die a death so unimaginable that we couldn’t even begin to explain it…
Captains Log Star Date 12.5: So as the new captain, I, Ed, shall take the Starship Beaverprise into a new era of greatness…Not that it wasn’t great before! So the crew have now returned to their quarters for rest and I shall soon do the same. The memory of Justin and Alex will live on, for at least 1 or 2 more hours by which time we may forget about them forever…
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E….R.O.B.E. Cannot Hide His Great Sadness Anymore And Wants You To Leave Without Mocking Him.
