Episode 17-Beaver House Of Horror
Sticking A Knife Into R.O.B.E…”The Horror, The Horror”
Warning: If your name is Steven Muffet then read on… otherwise don’t, the following are fictional events based on the real life events of The Starship Beaverprise crew, so don’t be alarmed if certain things don’t make sense!
Part One-The “Matrix”
Written By: Justin “Chain Saw Massacre” Shough
Original Idea By: Justin Shough/The Wachowski Brothers
Logging Into R.O.B.E…I know Kung Fu, wait no I don’t…
Captains Log star date 17.1: What if Beaverson and Rosemary never died, what if we never visited Planet Yarnelia, what if we crashed landed on an uncharted planet and made a horrible discovery, what if your life was being controlled by somebody else, an unthinkable evil harvesting the human race for energy at will, created a false world we perceive as “real” I’m confused. I guess you are too, well read on…at your peril!
Alex: Hey I thought this Episode was going to be short? You have already used up 3 lines on your captains log!
Captain: What the hell are you talking about?
Alex: Oh just get on with it
Paul: I’m bored
B6B: So is this going to be really scary?
Michelle: Yeah are we all gonna die?
Captain: What is everyone talking about? Moe make preparations to land on that forbidden planet over there
Moe: Which one?
Captain: You know, the one that people visit and never return, the Bermuda Quadrangle
B6B: Don’t you mean the Bermuda Triangle?
Captain: No the Bermuda Triangle is a holiday resort owned by Butlins, why would we want to go there?
B6B: It’s the summer, I thought we could have a vacation…
Alex: Didn’t you read the small print in our contracts we signed? We have to work 32,000 years before we are entitled to holiday.
Paul: Sir are you finding it harder to think up jokes to include in Episodes now, or would you see its easier? I don’t have much experience in writing, or anything really…
Captain: Paul do you realise that’s the most you have ever said in one go since we arrived in space.
Paul: it’s the most you have allowed me to sa…
Captain: Okay crew I just realised this isn’t scary at all, but we have to stick to a pre defined plot for obvious reasons so let us rest now, except Moe you have to make sure we arrive at our destination safely.
Moe: Bastard
Justin: I just realised I’m not the captain
Captain: What? You freak I am the captain, always have been and always will be
Justin: Okay, okay!
Rosemary: So yeah I just realised I’m still alive…
Alex: How very strange
Justin: Let us rest.
Captains Log 17.2: Well we have had several days sleep now, and we should be arriving at our destination safely soon if Moe, oh god! Moe…he’s been awake for 3 days…what have I done?
In the Observation Room…
Captain: Moe are you okay?
Alex: He’s dead
Captain: No! No! take me instead ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Paul: I’m so scared!
Alex: You will be if you don’t shut up!
Paul: Is that a threat?
Alex: Its always a threat
2 Hours Later
Justin: Well after the scariness of the past few lines…er hours we have finally reached our destination…
Captain: You bastard your taking advantage of the fact you are writing this to steal all my lines
Paul: What? Where’s Ed?
Captain: Shut up Ed doesn’t exist! I mean…who’s Ed?
Paul: He’s…oh right yeah, err nobody.
R.O.B.E: Justin I grow tired of your jokes.
Justin: R.O.B.E…I grow tired of you!
Alex: Do you get the feeling this will never be written, you have already taken several months Justin!
Justin: I haven’t had time what with all the Tea making I’ve been doing lately, anyway where the hell are we in this hole ridden plot?
Captain: Some planet I think, yes we have just landed, right Justin?
Justin: Ehh yeah sure whatever!
The crew not knowing what exactly they were doing landed safely and left the ship…
R.O.B.E-God this robot body feels good…waah Rosemary get off you freak
Rosemary: I just wanted to touch you
John Doe: Rosemary keep your hands to yourself!
Paul: John your back! For the second time!
Captain: He’s always been here you idiot!
Paul: But on Yarnellia?
Justin: Where?
Paul: My God, have I gone insane?
Alex: Oh finally he realises it.
Rosemary: I feel rather faint…
Captain: go and see Alex and see if he thinks your okay, I don’t wont anyone else’s blood on my hands
Few moments later…
Rosemary: The doctor said I bought a whole new meaning to the word stupid, so I guess I’m okay!
Michelle: So where are we going?
Captain: That building over there, the one that says “All Who Enter Here Die”
Alex: Lets go!
Watty: Alright mate
R.O.B.E: Yeah alright cheers mate
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Watty: What are you talking about Stevo?
Justin: Have we met before?
Watty: You have known me for years you monkey
R.O.B.E:Watty why do you have to try and be involved with everything we do, Beaverprise is the one thing I have where you aren’t right next to me the whole time, piss off!
Watty: No Robe, what have the farmers done to you? Nooooo!
Justin: Kill him
Alex: Done!
B6B: Good.
Ed: Hasn’t Watty been killed twice now?
Captain: Possibly…
John Doe: He will never still my crown!
Captain: I wouldn’t bet on it!
The Crew Enter The Building…
White Rabbit: Hi I’m white rabbit your guide for today, follow me!
The Crew Follow The White Rabbit To Another Room…
Laurence Fishbourne: Greetings, my name is Laurence Fishburne
Justin: I thought your name was Morpheous or something, wait! Where’s the mad hatter? Or is that something else?
Laurence Fishburne: Shut up, I have something fantastic to tell you all.
Captain: Go ahead
Laurence Fishburne: Well there is a summary at the top of the page however I will reiterate…the world you think you have been living in for your life up till now has been fake, the real world is controlled by a high level Artificial Intelligence which some idiot created many 100s of years ago. None of what has happened in your life so far is real, the Artificial world is controlled by a series of agents that make sure everything stays how it is meant to…
Captain: Wow look at that cute little beaver, and there’s another one exactly the same! And another one!
Laurence Fishburne: My God, they are here. Come with me NOW!
Laurence Fishburne And The Crew Travel Far Under Ground Where It Is Safe…
Laurence Fishburne: I am alive in the real world, I am here to offer you this chance.
Paul: Lets go!
Laurence Fishburne: You must know that things are a lot different there.
Paul: Lets go!
Laurence Fishburne: Me and my team have been trying to fight the agents for the past few years however they are too strong, but I think I have found someone that can challenge them, the one…
Rosemary: Me?
Laurence Fishbourne: Yes, you!
Crew: Gasp!
Laurence Fishburne: I believe you are the one that can change and shape a new destiny for Earth, Will you help me?
Rosemary: Of course!
Laurence Fishburne: Very well, I am going to offer you each the choice whether you want to wake up in the real world or whether you wish to go back to your fake normal life. If you wish to wake up in the real world take this red fruit pastel, if however you wish to back to your previous life then take this green fruit pastel
Captain: The green ones taste funny, ill have a red one please! Are there any more of those cuddly beavers in the real word?
Laurence Fishburne: Yes! All the Beavers in the world!
Crew: Lets go!
In The “Real” World…
Laurence Fishburne: Welcome to the real world
Justin: Its kinda crap, and what the hell are all these tubes for?
Rosemary: Decoration!
Alex: Of course!
Laurence Fishburne: Now I must do a test, to determine whether Rosemary truly is…the one.
Rosemary: Lets do this thing
Laurence Fishburne: Firstly may I introduce to you my other ship mates, there’s the one that saves the day, the one that turns out evil and destroys things, the ones that die and the one that falls in love with the one!
Captain: Falls in love with the one?
Laurence Fishbourne: Yes, her name is Trinity, the lesbian.
The Test Begins…
Laurence Fishburne: In this test, you and I must jump between these two buildings! It looks impossible but if you free your mind you can do it, begin
Laurence Fishburne Jumps across the building tops with ease and prompts Rosemary over…
(Hence Forth Laurence Fishburne Will Be Known As L.F)
Rosemary: Here goes nothing!
Rosemary Tries to jump between them but trips on a leaf before the jump, she hurtles towards the ground…
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress: My God! Her ratings have gone off the charts into the minus’s, she’s so bad she’s almost good!
Alex: Rosemary? Good? Never!
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress: Oh No! The system has crashed! Quick get them out of there!
Justin: Who are you talking to?
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress: You, you fool!
Justin: Ah let em fry!
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress Disconnects Rosemary and L.F From the server…
L.F: So its true, Rosemary is the one, the one who will destroy us all!
Rosemary: Hooray!
L.F: There is somewhere I must take you, I must take you to see the oracle!
Justin: Didn’t she die?
L.F: Then we shall see her replacement, The oracle 2
The Crew And L.F Go To See The Oracle 2…
As They Enter The oracles home they see such strange things as Uri Gellar bending spoons and other such oddities…
L.F: The oracle wants to speak to Rosemary alone, the others must wait here
Captain: Bastards!
Rosemary knocks On The Door And Says “ Hi Its Rosemary!”
Oracle: Come in Rosemary!
Rosemary: How do you know my name?
Oracle: Err you just said…look forget it!
Rosemary: Okay!
Oracle: You see the plate of cheese on the table next to you?
Rosemary Looks At The Cheese And Runs Towards It And Eats It…
Oracle: What will really bug you is if I didn’t tell you about the cheese would you still have eaten it!
Rosemary: Yes!
Oracle: Whatever! I have something to tell you, of great importance! I’m afraid you are not the one who will destroy us all
Rosemary: Noooooooooooooo!
Oracle: Here, have some cookies!
Rosemary: What? I don’t want your cookies however delicious they smell
Oracle: Fine!
Rosemary: Ill take 3!
Oracle: One last thing, There will be a time when you have to do something really stupid and risk everyone’s lives, you will have to decide what to do
Rosemary Walks Out Of The Room…
L.F: The oracle told you what you needed to hear, and it is only for you to know
Rosemary: I’m not the one!
L.F: Noooooooooo!
Back On The Ship (At Meal Time)…
Alex: What the hell is this? It looks like…well I dunno but it doesn’t look good!
L.F: It contains all the proteins you need
Justin: Pah, who needs proteins
Idiot: I tell you what I used to love in the real world, Rice Crispies how lovely they were!
Justin: Not as nice as CAP’N CRUNCH!
Others: What?
The Next Day…
Paul: Another day? Boring!
B6B: What are we doing today then?
Moe: Can we kill some agents
L.F: Today, We must all go into the matrix
Captain: The what?
L.F: We have work to do, let us begin…
In The Matrix…
L.F And The Others are walking around when they detect an unknown presence, they run for their lives but L.F gets captured by the agents while saving Rosemary…
Back On the ship (The Neverkeneser or whatever its called)
Paul: Dam, I knew that was going to happen
Alex: How?
Paul: Well we have all watched the film right?
Justin: Whatever!
Moe: L.F is lost, we have no hope now.
Rosemary: I have something really stupid to do!
Captain: What?
Rosemary: I’m going to save L.F! I’m Gonna need guns! Lots of guns!
Moe: I’m coming with you! I want some guns!
Justin: ill come too! Wait, Moe…aren’t you dead?
Moe: Nah!
Captain: Thank God!
In The Matrix…
Outside The Agents Government building…
Rosemary: This is it
Moe: Lets do this thing!
Rosemary: Where’s Justin?
Moe: He’s already inside!
Rosemary: Quick!
They Follow Justin Inside…
Justin And Moe begin A Massive Onslaught Against The Evil, evil people while Rosemary stands their watching them
They Finish Killing them all And take the lift up to the roof…
On The Roof…
An Agent Appears…
Agent: What are you trying to do? Save your friend?
(Cuts To Scene Where L.F Is Sitting In A Chair With Wires In Him And Drool Around His Mouth…)
Rosemary Points Gun At Agent And Fires 4 Shots But The Agent To Her Amazement Dodges Them All…
Agent Fires Back At Her, Rosemary tries To Avoid The Bullets But Moves To Slow…
Moe: Wow ive never seen anyone move that slow! Are you okay?
Rosemary: Yes, they are just flesh wounds!
The Agent Walks Towards Moe And Kills Him, He Walks Towards Rosemary And Points The Gun At Her Head…
Justin: Dodge This!
Justin Fires His Gun uncontrollably Into The Air And Manages To Shoot the Agent In The Head And Kill Him…
Rosemary: Woohoo We Did it!
Trinity: Yeah! Woo!
Justin: You mean I did it?
Rosemary gets Annoyed With Justin And Throws Him Off The Building Into Oblivion…
Rosemary: Mwahahaha!
L.F Sees This And Gets up From His Chair And Runs Towards The Other Building But Before He Jumps Rosemary Shoots Him In The Foot And He Falls To His Death…
(On Ship)Alex: Noooo! She’s killing them all! But wait!
From Nowhere Paul Appears On A Hover Craft Along With L.F And Justin…
Rosemary: What? This never happened in the film!
Paul Launches A rocket At Rosemary And Blows Her Up!
L.F: We did it!
From The Rubble Rosemary Gets Up And Flies Away, Possibly To Destroy The World Another Day…
Back On The Ship…
Alex: You idiots, look what has happened! You didn’t stick to the script and you destroyed the whole thing, shame on you all!
Paul: Sorry!
Justin: Where did Rosemary go?
L.F: I cannot find her, she’s gone without a trace. We will now all live in fear at what plans she will have to destroy us all in the future
To Be Continued…
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E…What Is Bullet Time? No Seriously! What The Hell Is it?
Part Two-Murder Mystery Weekend
Written By Justin “He’s Alive!” Shough
Original Idea By Justin Shough
Logging Into R.O.B.E…Everyone Has To Die!
They were sitting around at the dinner table…(They Being The crew of The Starship Beaverprise, Obviously)
Moe: I didn’t know we had a butler!
Michelle: No that’s just Paul, he’s gone insane I think.
Alex: So, Justin’s Dead!
R.O.B.E-Yes! And me being the all-powerful super computer I am, I know who killed Justin, The killer is P…
Alex: No you freak you will ruin the end for everybody! Oh wait you already have because Paul is the only person who’s name begins with P!
Alex picks up an axe that just happened to be laying around and started destroying R.O.B.E.
R.O.B.E-I was going to say the killer is pleasant…I was being nice, why? why? Did you have to destroy me?
Alex: Sorry!
Paul (The Butler): So, Justin is dead, pretty scary huh!
Moe: Not really! He dies all the time!
Alex: True, but one must wonder who killed him and who is next!
Ed: But we would know if you hadn’t destroyed Robe you idiot, unless the Killer is you!
Alex: Well that’s a likely story isn’t it, but flawed! You see, I have an alibi!
B6B: Oh really?
Alex: Yes, I was with Justin at the time of the murder! I mean… I was with Michelle!
Ed: Why the hell was you with Michelle?
Michelle: I can explain!
Ed: Go on then!
Michelle: Me and Justin were just talking about the next mission!
Ed: Likely story!
Alex: The important thing is I didn’t kill Justin, why would I anyway?
B6B: Because he didn’t credit you for a certain episode!
Alex: Shut up! Anyway we all have our reasons for Justin to be dead.
Paul (The Butler): I thought he was dead anyway, and Alex!
Ed: Yeah but this is a parallel universe where none of that has happened or matters!
Michelle: I see!
Later On…
Paul (The Butler): Quick everyone come with me, it looks like Alex has been killed in the library with the candlestick!
B6B: Nobody Is playing cluedo Paul now shut up!
Paul (The Butler): Err no he actually is dead!
In The Library…
Moe: My God its hideous!
Michelle: The candlestick has smashed half of his head off, how horrible!
B6B: Look! His head is still twitching! Quick Someone finish him off
Moe: Cool okay!
Moe Smashes Alex round The Head And Finishes Him Off…
Paul (The Butler): Good Work Mr Moe!
The Next Day…
Michelle: Quick everyone, come to Paul’s room, he’s dead!
B6B: What? The butler shouldn’t die! Whoever is killing everyone they are pretty stupid!
In Paul’s Room…
Moe: Whoever did this made a pretty good job of it!
Michelle: Yeah they must have really hated him, he’s been reduced to nothing but a pile of flesh and bones
B6B: So who is left out of all of us?
Michelle: Me, B6B, Moe, Robert and Andrew!
Moe: Oh no, Robert and Andrew are dead too! I just checked
B6B: So its us three then, how ironic!
The Three Of Them Nervously sit and stare at each other…
Michelle: Cant we just end this whole nightmare now and be done with it?
Moe: Okay!
Moe takes a knife out of his pocket and slits the throat of Michelle And B6B thus defeating the whole point of the story!
Robe Suddenly Comes Back To life As His Fail safe back up system kicks in…
R.O.B.E.: What? Everyone’s dead!
Moe: Well, except me!
R.O.B.E.: But your not the killer of all the others!
Moe: I know, but Michelle wanted somebody to end it so I did, I was about to kill myself too!
R.O.B.E.: Don’t you wana know who the real killer was then?
Moe: Yeah, I guess!
R.O.B.E.: It was…
R.O.B.E. Has Blown Up…
…
R.O.B.E.: Just kidding! It Was B6B!
Moe: Well I didn’t see that coming! B6B is quite the deceptive character!
10 Years Later…
After 10 Years Of Flying Threw Space With R.O.B.E. Moe Committed Suicide, Later That Day R.O.B.E. Initiated His Self Destruct Sequence And The Crew Of The Starship Beaverprise were no more, Let It Be A Lesson To Us All.
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E…Everyone Did Die!
Part Three - Planet of the Beavers
Written By: Alex “I’m Going To Kill You!” Gilmour
Re-imagined By: Alex “I’m Going To Kill You!” Gilmour
Logging into R.O.B.E….The damn dirty ape!
The Starship Beaverprise has crash landed on a mysterious, yet rather intriguing planet…
Alex: How the hell did that happen?
Captain: I don’t know, I think we travelled forward in time and also into a parallel universe at the exact same time! Well that’s what Tim Burton reckoned anyway!
Paul: It doesn’t make much sense!
Captain: Yeah, but what does!?!
Moe: A planet populated by super intelligent apes! Now that’s an idea for a movie!
B6B: So are we just going to stand here or are we gonna go find some kind of life form on this planet?
Captain: Let’s go!
After several hours of walking, involving the whole crew going crazy and almost killing each other, Alex finding some flowers and Paul almost dying of thirst the crew reach a field of crops…
Michelle: Someone must live on this planet, otherwise there wouldn’t be these crops!
Moe: Let’s make a crop circle!
Alex: What the hell are those hideous scarecrow things?
Captain: Dunno, but I think I can hear some instrumental music, which must mean something is going to happen any second now!
At that exact second a load of people come running out of the field of crops…
Bloke: Run! Run for your lives!
Woman: What? You fool! We’re not supposed to talk!
Bloke: Oh! Isn’t this the re-imagining, or whatever the hell it’s called?
Captain: What the hell are you running away from?
Bloke: Them!
He points to some Beavers riding on horses in full battle gear.
Alex: Beavers on horses? What’s so strange about that?
Beaver: Get them!
Alex: Oh my god! They can talk! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
B6B: Er….Aren’t I a Beaver?
Captain: Beaver hybrid. There’s a difference you know!
Unfortunately the crew are captured by the Beavers and taken to their village, where mothers with their beaver children watch the captives being brought in.
Paul: So when’s supper?
Beavers: Gasp! They can talk!
Paul: Of course I can talk, now let us out of this net!
Beavers: Gasp!
Alex: What the hell? You freaks! Can’t you see that we’re the normal ones and that we should put you in nets! It’s only fair!
Beavers: Gasp!
Alex: Shut up already!
Captain: So what are you going to do with us?
Dr. Seuss: Well I seem to think, we’ll put you in the clink. We’ll remove Paul’s brain and get the rest of you to mate!
Ed: That doesn’t rhyme!
Dr. Seuss: No one said I was the Dr. Seuss!
Ed: Fine!
Several days later Paul has had his brain removed and there seems to be little difference, except for some improvement in his table manners, whilst the crew have been locked in a cage together and forced to mate with hot female prisoners, who wear only fur bikinis!
Captain: So what was the downside of this again?
Alex: Don’t you see? We’re animals in a zoo I tells you! A zoo!
Michelle: I’ve got to admit that Charlton Heston guy’s rather nice!
Ed: So are we going to escape?
Alex: But how?
Moe: We can dig our way out with these spoons I stole from Uri Gellar earlier!
Paul: Earlier?
Several years later, not only have the crew produced a number of siblings, but they have finally managed to dig their way out of the Beaver’s prison.
B6B: Er…did anyone else know the door was unlocked?
Son of Paul: My father mentioned it, but you killed him because he was interrupting the digging!
Alex: Bastard!
Captain: Let’s get the hell out of here!
Moe: So what do we do now?
Moe, Jr: Can we go to the seaside?
Captain: We might as well! Let’s steal the Beaver’s horses!
Beaver #1: Look! They’re stealing our horses!
Beaver #2: Arr, let em go! We’ve got plenty more where that cam from!
Dr. Seuss: Actually I think we should chase them!
Head Beaver: Let’s go!
Once at the beach the crew and their many offspring play and frolic on the beach, until a pack of Beavers arrive.
Head Beaver: So you wish to play and frolic on our beaches?
Captain: Pretty much!
Head Beaver: Oh, ok then! Sorry to have bothered you.
Dr. Seuss: No, you fool! We must banish them to the other beaches around the corner, where we couldn’t possibly hide the Statue of Liberty!
Alex: So you want us to move along?
Dr. Seuss: Pretty much!
Alex: Oh, ok then! Sorry to have bothered you.
Captain: Let’s go! Round this corner!
The head around the corner only to find a huge towering image in front of them…
Alex: The Wicker Man? Those bastards! Damn them!….Damn them all to hell!
Captain: What? This ending doesn’t make any sense! Who the hell wrote this?
Moe: So are we going to kill the Beavers?
Alex: Yeah, but don’t you realise that this our planet?
Ed: No, this is the Planet of the Beavers!
John Doe: Yeah, it says right there on that sign.
Alex: Oh, so why is that here? (points to the Wicker Man)
Captain: Who knows?
Alex: Hmm….interesting! Well, we might as well kill them then, because this doesn’t make any sense!
Michelle: Wouldn’t it make more sense if we befriended the beavers and help develop their planet into a replica of New York, then escape in our ship and blow the whole planet up?
Captain: That’s good! Let’s go!
Captain’s Log Star Date 17.3: We have destroyed that horrible Planet of the Beavers and are now travelling back in time to our dimension where Earth exist as normal, or something!
B6B: We’re here!
Captain: Woo! Let’s see what wonders await us!
B6B: Er….actually Captain, there’s nothing here!
Captain: What?
B6B: Alex must have been right. That planet was Earth in the very near future.
Ed: And to think we killed him on our journey back.
Michelle: The universe will be a much safer place without him.
And so the Starship Beaverprise escaped this time, but what will Tim Burton have instore for them next week? The Return to the Planet of the Beavers, Beneath the Planet of the Beavers, Inside the Planet of the Beavers, Escape From the Planet of the Beavers, Re-imagining the Planet of the Beavers, Planet of the Beavers Revisited, Planet of the Beavers Rejigered, Planet of the Beavers vs. Planet of the Apes? Who knows!?! Only time will tell!
Logging out of R.O.B.E….He’s already been damned to hell!
Disclaimer: Starship Beaverprise is in no way affiliated with Tim Burton, The Wachowski Brothers, or R.O.B.E. We cannot be held responsible for any heart attacks induced whilst reading this horrifying episode…not that It was that scary anyway, or was it? Mooowahahahahahahaha!
Sucking The Blood Out Of Bride Of R.O.B.E….Bride? Woo-hoo!
Sticking A Knife Into R.O.B.E…”The Horror, The Horror”
Warning: If your name is Steven Muffet then read on… otherwise don’t, the following are fictional events based on the real life events of The Starship Beaverprise crew, so don’t be alarmed if certain things don’t make sense!
Part One-The “Matrix”
Written By: Justin “Chain Saw Massacre” Shough
Original Idea By: Justin Shough/The Wachowski Brothers
Logging Into R.O.B.E…I know Kung Fu, wait no I don’t…
Captains Log star date 17.1: What if Beaverson and Rosemary never died, what if we never visited Planet Yarnelia, what if we crashed landed on an uncharted planet and made a horrible discovery, what if your life was being controlled by somebody else, an unthinkable evil harvesting the human race for energy at will, created a false world we perceive as “real” I’m confused. I guess you are too, well read on…at your peril!
Alex: Hey I thought this Episode was going to be short? You have already used up 3 lines on your captains log!
Captain: What the hell are you talking about?
Alex: Oh just get on with it
Paul: I’m bored
B6B: So is this going to be really scary?
Michelle: Yeah are we all gonna die?
Captain: What is everyone talking about? Moe make preparations to land on that forbidden planet over there
Moe: Which one?
Captain: You know, the one that people visit and never return, the Bermuda Quadrangle
B6B: Don’t you mean the Bermuda Triangle?
Captain: No the Bermuda Triangle is a holiday resort owned by Butlins, why would we want to go there?
B6B: It’s the summer, I thought we could have a vacation…
Alex: Didn’t you read the small print in our contracts we signed? We have to work 32,000 years before we are entitled to holiday.
Paul: Sir are you finding it harder to think up jokes to include in Episodes now, or would you see its easier? I don’t have much experience in writing, or anything really…
Captain: Paul do you realise that’s the most you have ever said in one go since we arrived in space.
Paul: it’s the most you have allowed me to sa…
Captain: Okay crew I just realised this isn’t scary at all, but we have to stick to a pre defined plot for obvious reasons so let us rest now, except Moe you have to make sure we arrive at our destination safely.
Moe: Bastard
Justin: I just realised I’m not the captain
Captain: What? You freak I am the captain, always have been and always will be
Justin: Okay, okay!
Rosemary: So yeah I just realised I’m still alive…
Alex: How very strange
Justin: Let us rest.
Captains Log 17.2: Well we have had several days sleep now, and we should be arriving at our destination safely soon if Moe, oh god! Moe…he’s been awake for 3 days…what have I done?
In the Observation Room…
Captain: Moe are you okay?
Alex: He’s dead
Captain: No! No! take me instead ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Paul: I’m so scared!
Alex: You will be if you don’t shut up!
Paul: Is that a threat?
Alex: Its always a threat
2 Hours Later
Justin: Well after the scariness of the past few lines…er hours we have finally reached our destination…
Captain: You bastard your taking advantage of the fact you are writing this to steal all my lines
Paul: What? Where’s Ed?
Captain: Shut up Ed doesn’t exist! I mean…who’s Ed?
Paul: He’s…oh right yeah, err nobody.
R.O.B.E: Justin I grow tired of your jokes.
Justin: R.O.B.E…I grow tired of you!
Alex: Do you get the feeling this will never be written, you have already taken several months Justin!
Justin: I haven’t had time what with all the Tea making I’ve been doing lately, anyway where the hell are we in this hole ridden plot?
Captain: Some planet I think, yes we have just landed, right Justin?
Justin: Ehh yeah sure whatever!
The crew not knowing what exactly they were doing landed safely and left the ship…
R.O.B.E-God this robot body feels good…waah Rosemary get off you freak
Rosemary: I just wanted to touch you
John Doe: Rosemary keep your hands to yourself!
Paul: John your back! For the second time!
Captain: He’s always been here you idiot!
Paul: But on Yarnellia?
Justin: Where?
Paul: My God, have I gone insane?
Alex: Oh finally he realises it.
Rosemary: I feel rather faint…
Captain: go and see Alex and see if he thinks your okay, I don’t wont anyone else’s blood on my hands
Few moments later…
Rosemary: The doctor said I bought a whole new meaning to the word stupid, so I guess I’m okay!
Michelle: So where are we going?
Captain: That building over there, the one that says “All Who Enter Here Die”
Alex: Lets go!
Watty: Alright mate
R.O.B.E: Yeah alright cheers mate
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Watty: What are you talking about Stevo?
Justin: Have we met before?
Watty: You have known me for years you monkey
R.O.B.E:Watty why do you have to try and be involved with everything we do, Beaverprise is the one thing I have where you aren’t right next to me the whole time, piss off!
Watty: No Robe, what have the farmers done to you? Nooooo!
Justin: Kill him
Alex: Done!
B6B: Good.
Ed: Hasn’t Watty been killed twice now?
Captain: Possibly…
John Doe: He will never still my crown!
Captain: I wouldn’t bet on it!
The Crew Enter The Building…
White Rabbit: Hi I’m white rabbit your guide for today, follow me!
The Crew Follow The White Rabbit To Another Room…
Laurence Fishbourne: Greetings, my name is Laurence Fishburne
Justin: I thought your name was Morpheous or something, wait! Where’s the mad hatter? Or is that something else?
Laurence Fishburne: Shut up, I have something fantastic to tell you all.
Captain: Go ahead
Laurence Fishburne: Well there is a summary at the top of the page however I will reiterate…the world you think you have been living in for your life up till now has been fake, the real world is controlled by a high level Artificial Intelligence which some idiot created many 100s of years ago. None of what has happened in your life so far is real, the Artificial world is controlled by a series of agents that make sure everything stays how it is meant to…
Captain: Wow look at that cute little beaver, and there’s another one exactly the same! And another one!
Laurence Fishburne: My God, they are here. Come with me NOW!
Laurence Fishburne And The Crew Travel Far Under Ground Where It Is Safe…
Laurence Fishburne: I am alive in the real world, I am here to offer you this chance.
Paul: Lets go!
Laurence Fishburne: You must know that things are a lot different there.
Paul: Lets go!
Laurence Fishburne: Me and my team have been trying to fight the agents for the past few years however they are too strong, but I think I have found someone that can challenge them, the one…
Rosemary: Me?
Laurence Fishbourne: Yes, you!
Crew: Gasp!
Laurence Fishburne: I believe you are the one that can change and shape a new destiny for Earth, Will you help me?
Rosemary: Of course!
Laurence Fishburne: Very well, I am going to offer you each the choice whether you want to wake up in the real world or whether you wish to go back to your fake normal life. If you wish to wake up in the real world take this red fruit pastel, if however you wish to back to your previous life then take this green fruit pastel
Captain: The green ones taste funny, ill have a red one please! Are there any more of those cuddly beavers in the real word?
Laurence Fishburne: Yes! All the Beavers in the world!
Crew: Lets go!
In The “Real” World…
Laurence Fishburne: Welcome to the real world
Justin: Its kinda crap, and what the hell are all these tubes for?
Rosemary: Decoration!
Alex: Of course!
Laurence Fishburne: Now I must do a test, to determine whether Rosemary truly is…the one.
Rosemary: Lets do this thing
Laurence Fishburne: Firstly may I introduce to you my other ship mates, there’s the one that saves the day, the one that turns out evil and destroys things, the ones that die and the one that falls in love with the one!
Captain: Falls in love with the one?
Laurence Fishbourne: Yes, her name is Trinity, the lesbian.
The Test Begins…
Laurence Fishburne: In this test, you and I must jump between these two buildings! It looks impossible but if you free your mind you can do it, begin
Laurence Fishburne Jumps across the building tops with ease and prompts Rosemary over…
(Hence Forth Laurence Fishburne Will Be Known As L.F)
Rosemary: Here goes nothing!
Rosemary Tries to jump between them but trips on a leaf before the jump, she hurtles towards the ground…
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress: My God! Her ratings have gone off the charts into the minus’s, she’s so bad she’s almost good!
Alex: Rosemary? Good? Never!
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress: Oh No! The system has crashed! Quick get them out of there!
Justin: Who are you talking to?
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress: You, you fool!
Justin: Ah let em fry!
Guy Watching Rosemary’s progress Disconnects Rosemary and L.F From the server…
L.F: So its true, Rosemary is the one, the one who will destroy us all!
Rosemary: Hooray!
L.F: There is somewhere I must take you, I must take you to see the oracle!
Justin: Didn’t she die?
L.F: Then we shall see her replacement, The oracle 2
The Crew And L.F Go To See The Oracle 2…
As They Enter The oracles home they see such strange things as Uri Gellar bending spoons and other such oddities…
L.F: The oracle wants to speak to Rosemary alone, the others must wait here
Captain: Bastards!
Rosemary knocks On The Door And Says “ Hi Its Rosemary!”
Oracle: Come in Rosemary!
Rosemary: How do you know my name?
Oracle: Err you just said…look forget it!
Rosemary: Okay!
Oracle: You see the plate of cheese on the table next to you?
Rosemary Looks At The Cheese And Runs Towards It And Eats It…
Oracle: What will really bug you is if I didn’t tell you about the cheese would you still have eaten it!
Rosemary: Yes!
Oracle: Whatever! I have something to tell you, of great importance! I’m afraid you are not the one who will destroy us all
Rosemary: Noooooooooooooo!
Oracle: Here, have some cookies!
Rosemary: What? I don’t want your cookies however delicious they smell
Oracle: Fine!
Rosemary: Ill take 3!
Oracle: One last thing, There will be a time when you have to do something really stupid and risk everyone’s lives, you will have to decide what to do
Rosemary Walks Out Of The Room…
L.F: The oracle told you what you needed to hear, and it is only for you to know
Rosemary: I’m not the one!
L.F: Noooooooooo!
Back On The Ship (At Meal Time)…
Alex: What the hell is this? It looks like…well I dunno but it doesn’t look good!
L.F: It contains all the proteins you need
Justin: Pah, who needs proteins
Idiot: I tell you what I used to love in the real world, Rice Crispies how lovely they were!
Justin: Not as nice as CAP’N CRUNCH!
Others: What?
The Next Day…
Paul: Another day? Boring!
B6B: What are we doing today then?
Moe: Can we kill some agents
L.F: Today, We must all go into the matrix
Captain: The what?
L.F: We have work to do, let us begin…
In The Matrix…
L.F And The Others are walking around when they detect an unknown presence, they run for their lives but L.F gets captured by the agents while saving Rosemary…
Back On the ship (The Neverkeneser or whatever its called)
Paul: Dam, I knew that was going to happen
Alex: How?
Paul: Well we have all watched the film right?
Justin: Whatever!
Moe: L.F is lost, we have no hope now.
Rosemary: I have something really stupid to do!
Captain: What?
Rosemary: I’m going to save L.F! I’m Gonna need guns! Lots of guns!
Moe: I’m coming with you! I want some guns!
Justin: ill come too! Wait, Moe…aren’t you dead?
Moe: Nah!
Captain: Thank God!
In The Matrix…
Outside The Agents Government building…
Rosemary: This is it
Moe: Lets do this thing!
Rosemary: Where’s Justin?
Moe: He’s already inside!
Rosemary: Quick!
They Follow Justin Inside…
Justin And Moe begin A Massive Onslaught Against The Evil, evil people while Rosemary stands their watching them
They Finish Killing them all And take the lift up to the roof…
On The Roof…
An Agent Appears…
Agent: What are you trying to do? Save your friend?
(Cuts To Scene Where L.F Is Sitting In A Chair With Wires In Him And Drool Around His Mouth…)
Rosemary Points Gun At Agent And Fires 4 Shots But The Agent To Her Amazement Dodges Them All…
Agent Fires Back At Her, Rosemary tries To Avoid The Bullets But Moves To Slow…
Moe: Wow ive never seen anyone move that slow! Are you okay?
Rosemary: Yes, they are just flesh wounds!
The Agent Walks Towards Moe And Kills Him, He Walks Towards Rosemary And Points The Gun At Her Head…
Justin: Dodge This!
Justin Fires His Gun uncontrollably Into The Air And Manages To Shoot the Agent In The Head And Kill Him…
Rosemary: Woohoo We Did it!
Trinity: Yeah! Woo!
Justin: You mean I did it?
Rosemary gets Annoyed With Justin And Throws Him Off The Building Into Oblivion…
Rosemary: Mwahahaha!
L.F Sees This And Gets up From His Chair And Runs Towards The Other Building But Before He Jumps Rosemary Shoots Him In The Foot And He Falls To His Death…
(On Ship)Alex: Noooo! She’s killing them all! But wait!
From Nowhere Paul Appears On A Hover Craft Along With L.F And Justin…
Rosemary: What? This never happened in the film!
Paul Launches A rocket At Rosemary And Blows Her Up!
L.F: We did it!
From The Rubble Rosemary Gets Up And Flies Away, Possibly To Destroy The World Another Day…
Back On The Ship…
Alex: You idiots, look what has happened! You didn’t stick to the script and you destroyed the whole thing, shame on you all!
Paul: Sorry!
Justin: Where did Rosemary go?
L.F: I cannot find her, she’s gone without a trace. We will now all live in fear at what plans she will have to destroy us all in the future
To Be Continued…
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E…What Is Bullet Time? No Seriously! What The Hell Is it?
Part Two-Murder Mystery Weekend
Written By Justin “He’s Alive!” Shough
Original Idea By Justin Shough
Logging Into R.O.B.E…Everyone Has To Die!
They were sitting around at the dinner table…(They Being The crew of The Starship Beaverprise, Obviously)
Moe: I didn’t know we had a butler!
Michelle: No that’s just Paul, he’s gone insane I think.
Alex: So, Justin’s Dead!
R.O.B.E-Yes! And me being the all-powerful super computer I am, I know who killed Justin, The killer is P…
Alex: No you freak you will ruin the end for everybody! Oh wait you already have because Paul is the only person who’s name begins with P!
Alex picks up an axe that just happened to be laying around and started destroying R.O.B.E.
R.O.B.E-I was going to say the killer is pleasant…I was being nice, why? why? Did you have to destroy me?
Alex: Sorry!
Paul (The Butler): So, Justin is dead, pretty scary huh!
Moe: Not really! He dies all the time!
Alex: True, but one must wonder who killed him and who is next!
Ed: But we would know if you hadn’t destroyed Robe you idiot, unless the Killer is you!
Alex: Well that’s a likely story isn’t it, but flawed! You see, I have an alibi!
B6B: Oh really?
Alex: Yes, I was with Justin at the time of the murder! I mean… I was with Michelle!
Ed: Why the hell was you with Michelle?
Michelle: I can explain!
Ed: Go on then!
Michelle: Me and Justin were just talking about the next mission!
Ed: Likely story!
Alex: The important thing is I didn’t kill Justin, why would I anyway?
B6B: Because he didn’t credit you for a certain episode!
Alex: Shut up! Anyway we all have our reasons for Justin to be dead.
Paul (The Butler): I thought he was dead anyway, and Alex!
Ed: Yeah but this is a parallel universe where none of that has happened or matters!
Michelle: I see!
Later On…
Paul (The Butler): Quick everyone come with me, it looks like Alex has been killed in the library with the candlestick!
B6B: Nobody Is playing cluedo Paul now shut up!
Paul (The Butler): Err no he actually is dead!
In The Library…
Moe: My God its hideous!
Michelle: The candlestick has smashed half of his head off, how horrible!
B6B: Look! His head is still twitching! Quick Someone finish him off
Moe: Cool okay!
Moe Smashes Alex round The Head And Finishes Him Off…
Paul (The Butler): Good Work Mr Moe!
The Next Day…
Michelle: Quick everyone, come to Paul’s room, he’s dead!
B6B: What? The butler shouldn’t die! Whoever is killing everyone they are pretty stupid!
In Paul’s Room…
Moe: Whoever did this made a pretty good job of it!
Michelle: Yeah they must have really hated him, he’s been reduced to nothing but a pile of flesh and bones
B6B: So who is left out of all of us?
Michelle: Me, B6B, Moe, Robert and Andrew!
Moe: Oh no, Robert and Andrew are dead too! I just checked
B6B: So its us three then, how ironic!
The Three Of Them Nervously sit and stare at each other…
Michelle: Cant we just end this whole nightmare now and be done with it?
Moe: Okay!
Moe takes a knife out of his pocket and slits the throat of Michelle And B6B thus defeating the whole point of the story!
Robe Suddenly Comes Back To life As His Fail safe back up system kicks in…
R.O.B.E.: What? Everyone’s dead!
Moe: Well, except me!
R.O.B.E.: But your not the killer of all the others!
Moe: I know, but Michelle wanted somebody to end it so I did, I was about to kill myself too!
R.O.B.E.: Don’t you wana know who the real killer was then?
Moe: Yeah, I guess!
R.O.B.E.: It was…
R.O.B.E. Has Blown Up…
…
R.O.B.E.: Just kidding! It Was B6B!
Moe: Well I didn’t see that coming! B6B is quite the deceptive character!
10 Years Later…
After 10 Years Of Flying Threw Space With R.O.B.E. Moe Committed Suicide, Later That Day R.O.B.E. Initiated His Self Destruct Sequence And The Crew Of The Starship Beaverprise were no more, Let It Be A Lesson To Us All.
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E…Everyone Did Die!
Part Three - Planet of the Beavers
Written By: Alex “I’m Going To Kill You!” Gilmour
Re-imagined By: Alex “I’m Going To Kill You!” Gilmour
Logging into R.O.B.E….The damn dirty ape!
The Starship Beaverprise has crash landed on a mysterious, yet rather intriguing planet…
Alex: How the hell did that happen?
Captain: I don’t know, I think we travelled forward in time and also into a parallel universe at the exact same time! Well that’s what Tim Burton reckoned anyway!
Paul: It doesn’t make much sense!
Captain: Yeah, but what does!?!
Moe: A planet populated by super intelligent apes! Now that’s an idea for a movie!
B6B: So are we just going to stand here or are we gonna go find some kind of life form on this planet?
Captain: Let’s go!
After several hours of walking, involving the whole crew going crazy and almost killing each other, Alex finding some flowers and Paul almost dying of thirst the crew reach a field of crops…
Michelle: Someone must live on this planet, otherwise there wouldn’t be these crops!
Moe: Let’s make a crop circle!
Alex: What the hell are those hideous scarecrow things?
Captain: Dunno, but I think I can hear some instrumental music, which must mean something is going to happen any second now!
At that exact second a load of people come running out of the field of crops…
Bloke: Run! Run for your lives!
Woman: What? You fool! We’re not supposed to talk!
Bloke: Oh! Isn’t this the re-imagining, or whatever the hell it’s called?
Captain: What the hell are you running away from?
Bloke: Them!
He points to some Beavers riding on horses in full battle gear.
Alex: Beavers on horses? What’s so strange about that?
Beaver: Get them!
Alex: Oh my god! They can talk! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
B6B: Er….Aren’t I a Beaver?
Captain: Beaver hybrid. There’s a difference you know!
Unfortunately the crew are captured by the Beavers and taken to their village, where mothers with their beaver children watch the captives being brought in.
Paul: So when’s supper?
Beavers: Gasp! They can talk!
Paul: Of course I can talk, now let us out of this net!
Beavers: Gasp!
Alex: What the hell? You freaks! Can’t you see that we’re the normal ones and that we should put you in nets! It’s only fair!
Beavers: Gasp!
Alex: Shut up already!
Captain: So what are you going to do with us?
Dr. Seuss: Well I seem to think, we’ll put you in the clink. We’ll remove Paul’s brain and get the rest of you to mate!
Ed: That doesn’t rhyme!
Dr. Seuss: No one said I was the Dr. Seuss!
Ed: Fine!
Several days later Paul has had his brain removed and there seems to be little difference, except for some improvement in his table manners, whilst the crew have been locked in a cage together and forced to mate with hot female prisoners, who wear only fur bikinis!
Captain: So what was the downside of this again?
Alex: Don’t you see? We’re animals in a zoo I tells you! A zoo!
Michelle: I’ve got to admit that Charlton Heston guy’s rather nice!
Ed: So are we going to escape?
Alex: But how?
Moe: We can dig our way out with these spoons I stole from Uri Gellar earlier!
Paul: Earlier?
Several years later, not only have the crew produced a number of siblings, but they have finally managed to dig their way out of the Beaver’s prison.
B6B: Er…did anyone else know the door was unlocked?
Son of Paul: My father mentioned it, but you killed him because he was interrupting the digging!
Alex: Bastard!
Captain: Let’s get the hell out of here!
Moe: So what do we do now?
Moe, Jr: Can we go to the seaside?
Captain: We might as well! Let’s steal the Beaver’s horses!
Beaver #1: Look! They’re stealing our horses!
Beaver #2: Arr, let em go! We’ve got plenty more where that cam from!
Dr. Seuss: Actually I think we should chase them!
Head Beaver: Let’s go!
Once at the beach the crew and their many offspring play and frolic on the beach, until a pack of Beavers arrive.
Head Beaver: So you wish to play and frolic on our beaches?
Captain: Pretty much!
Head Beaver: Oh, ok then! Sorry to have bothered you.
Dr. Seuss: No, you fool! We must banish them to the other beaches around the corner, where we couldn’t possibly hide the Statue of Liberty!
Alex: So you want us to move along?
Dr. Seuss: Pretty much!
Alex: Oh, ok then! Sorry to have bothered you.
Captain: Let’s go! Round this corner!
The head around the corner only to find a huge towering image in front of them…
Alex: The Wicker Man? Those bastards! Damn them!….Damn them all to hell!
Captain: What? This ending doesn’t make any sense! Who the hell wrote this?
Moe: So are we going to kill the Beavers?
Alex: Yeah, but don’t you realise that this our planet?
Ed: No, this is the Planet of the Beavers!
John Doe: Yeah, it says right there on that sign.
Alex: Oh, so why is that here? (points to the Wicker Man)
Captain: Who knows?
Alex: Hmm….interesting! Well, we might as well kill them then, because this doesn’t make any sense!
Michelle: Wouldn’t it make more sense if we befriended the beavers and help develop their planet into a replica of New York, then escape in our ship and blow the whole planet up?
Captain: That’s good! Let’s go!
Captain’s Log Star Date 17.3: We have destroyed that horrible Planet of the Beavers and are now travelling back in time to our dimension where Earth exist as normal, or something!
B6B: We’re here!
Captain: Woo! Let’s see what wonders await us!
B6B: Er….actually Captain, there’s nothing here!
Captain: What?
B6B: Alex must have been right. That planet was Earth in the very near future.
Ed: And to think we killed him on our journey back.
Michelle: The universe will be a much safer place without him.
And so the Starship Beaverprise escaped this time, but what will Tim Burton have instore for them next week? The Return to the Planet of the Beavers, Beneath the Planet of the Beavers, Inside the Planet of the Beavers, Escape From the Planet of the Beavers, Re-imagining the Planet of the Beavers, Planet of the Beavers Revisited, Planet of the Beavers Rejigered, Planet of the Beavers vs. Planet of the Apes? Who knows!?! Only time will tell!
Logging out of R.O.B.E….He’s already been damned to hell!
Disclaimer: Starship Beaverprise is in no way affiliated with Tim Burton, The Wachowski Brothers, or R.O.B.E. We cannot be held responsible for any heart attacks induced whilst reading this horrifying episode…not that It was that scary anyway, or was it? Mooowahahahahahahaha!
Sucking The Blood Out Of Bride Of R.O.B.E….Bride? Woo-hoo!
