Episode 16-The One With The Crew Getting Filmed
Written By: Ed Sadler
Original Idea: Justin Shough
Nothing To Do With Alex Gilmour What-so-ever
Logging onto R.O.B.E….Please Do Not Leave Rubbish Under The Seats…
Captains Log Star Date 16.1: Over the past few seconds I have come to realize how boring this job really is. Sure, you get to explore strange new world, and possibly seek out new life and new civilizations, and ever so often go where no man has gone before. But after the first few recently discovered alien scum, who only want to look out for them selves, and don’t even sell hair gel on their stupid little planets, that are mostly covered in this clear liquid that they call the ocea………
Alex: You do realize you are still recording that.
Captain: Of course, I was merely joking, ha ha ha. Oh look at the time, mush dash…
Moe: So, what are we doing today then?
Paul: Same as usual. Not a lot.
R.O.B.E.: Easy for you to say, I can’t even move!
Captain: Pipe down at the front! I’m trying to watch the movie!
Alex: Sir, that’s not a movie. That’s the head of the World Beaver Federation.
Captain: Who?
Alex: Your boss sir.
Captain: Oh, crap. How can help you, your most brilliant gratefulness?
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: I’ve got some bad news for you captain. The World Beaver Federation has cut your funding, which has nothing to do with my gambling problem.
Captain: That is bad news. How will we continue our mission?
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: Well, I’ve secured a deal with Fox Entertainment to film a documentary about your fine ship, aboard your…ship. The money gained from this deal will not be spent on my gambling problem.
Ed: Something’s not quite right here…
Paul: That’s because he’s got a gambling problem.
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: How dare you suggest such a thing! I’ll have you hanged!
Paul: But you’re 10 billion light years away…
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: Yes, well. It was only a threat. Anyway, the film crew should be with about now………
Ding Dong
Captain: What the hell was that! Battle Stations! Red Alert! Fire all weapons!
Alex: That’s the door bell sir, the film crew is here.
Captain: Just keeping you on your toes.
B6B: Sure....
Captain: Shut up or I’ll tell my mother!
Alex: She’s dead sir…
Captain: Fine! I’ll be in the cyber café.
Alex: There’s a cyber café?
Captain: Yeah, just off set, behind the director…I mean…
(Edging towards the door)…
Captain: I use the holodeck to simulate a cyber café…..
Alex: There’s a holodeck?
Captain: I’m off!
(Runs into the door)
Captain: Damn it!
Alex and Moe show the film crew around the ship and they start to film, everything said from this point on is under the eye of the camera....
Alex: Yes, well I’m the guy that makes all the decisions around here.
Moe: No you’re not.
Alex: Well, I make all the tactical decisions!
Moe: No, you don’t.
Alex: Okay! I choose what’s for dinner!
Moe: Nope.
Alex: (lowers head) I’m the water boy.
Moe: And don’t forget it.
Meanwhile, in Ed and Michelle’s room…
Ed: You’re so hot…
Michelle: You’re so sweet…
Ed: And smooth, so smooth…
Michelle: Oh, Creamy…
Ed: This is the best apple pie I’ve tasted in ages!
Michelle: Me too!
Ed: Oh, hello Mr. Camera-man.
The next day…
Captain: (doing make-up in mirror (how did he get in there?)) *Whistle* La la la.
Geordie accent voiceover: Day two in the Big Beaver House, and The Captain is the only person out of bed…
Captain: Who the hell is that? Sounds like that actor in the film The 51st State from last year…I mean from last century. Look what you made me do, I’ve smudged my mascara! Get out!
Geordie accent voiceover: Sorry mate, wrong show!
Paul: Come quickly sir! We are being attacked!
Captain: Holy Smokes!
(Runs into the door)
Captain: Ouch! You know on the Enterprise they have automatic sliding doors….
On the bridge
Captain: Is everybody here?
R.O.B.E.: Not that it will help…
Captain: So who’s firing at us? Oh, what the hell, just fire back!
B6B: So which button is that then?
Captain: Don’t you know! Just make it look like you know what you’re doing, for the cameras sake! I shouldn’t of said that…
Alex: The enemy ship has gone sir!
Captain: Excellent, we defeated the evil scum!
Ed: They probably got bored with us and flew away.
Captain: Nonsense! (Drawing Ed’s attention to the camera) a win is a win!
Ed: Oh yeah, sure it is! Just smile and they will edit it out….
Beaverprise Crew: Cheese….
Paul: We’ve just received a fax from The World Beaver Federation, R.O.B.E, what does it say?
R.O.B.E: It says that Fox want some subtle advertising whilst we work…
Captain: Yeah, whatever…what’s for dinner?
Michelle: Roast chicken….from Iceland, buy one, and get one free!
Ed: Are they doing a deal, or are they doing a deal!
Moe: That’s really subtle.
Michelle: I used to be in advertising before I got this job!
Captain: Thinking up slogans and stuff?
Michelle: No, I just used to take my top off whilst wearing Levis, or eating McDonalds.
Captain: Works for me!
During Dinner…
Captain: A toast for all of us being resurrected as film stars!
Moe: Like Jesus!
Captain: No, more like that bloke out of the bible…
Michelle: This is only £5.99 in your local bookstore!
Paul: Can you stop that please?
Captain: Where’s that Water Boy?
Ed: Yeah, I’m thirsty for some pure Buxton water…
Paul: Right, I’m going to hurt someone soon….
Moe: Where is Alex anyway?
In Alex’s room
Alex: (In shower) “…All you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need…”
Dinner room
Captain: Prime time viewing, I think not.
Paul: Incoming message form The World Beaver Federation…
Captain: on screen!
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: The World Beaver Federation has come into some money, which has nothing to do with my gambling problem. This means that the film crew will leave instantly.
Captain: He’s right you know they aren’t here!
Captains Log Star Date 16.2 (A Day After The Last Entry): With the film crew gone, the ship has returned to normal. Although since my last log, I’ve felt different somehow, like someone else has taken over in writing my destiny…anyway, I have decided that space exploration is what I do best, or maybe it’s the only thing I can get hired for, so on we go in our quest to…umm, what the hell am I doing here anyway?
All Crew (in patronizing, sitcom like manner): Nothing changes…
Crowd clap
Roll Credits
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E…Pick Up That Rubbish You Bastards!
Crew: Nah!
Logged Out Of R.O.B.E.
Written By: Ed Sadler
Original Idea: Justin Shough
Nothing To Do With Alex Gilmour What-so-ever
Logging onto R.O.B.E….Please Do Not Leave Rubbish Under The Seats…
Captains Log Star Date 16.1: Over the past few seconds I have come to realize how boring this job really is. Sure, you get to explore strange new world, and possibly seek out new life and new civilizations, and ever so often go where no man has gone before. But after the first few recently discovered alien scum, who only want to look out for them selves, and don’t even sell hair gel on their stupid little planets, that are mostly covered in this clear liquid that they call the ocea………
Alex: You do realize you are still recording that.
Captain: Of course, I was merely joking, ha ha ha. Oh look at the time, mush dash…
Moe: So, what are we doing today then?
Paul: Same as usual. Not a lot.
R.O.B.E.: Easy for you to say, I can’t even move!
Captain: Pipe down at the front! I’m trying to watch the movie!
Alex: Sir, that’s not a movie. That’s the head of the World Beaver Federation.
Captain: Who?
Alex: Your boss sir.
Captain: Oh, crap. How can help you, your most brilliant gratefulness?
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: I’ve got some bad news for you captain. The World Beaver Federation has cut your funding, which has nothing to do with my gambling problem.
Captain: That is bad news. How will we continue our mission?
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: Well, I’ve secured a deal with Fox Entertainment to film a documentary about your fine ship, aboard your…ship. The money gained from this deal will not be spent on my gambling problem.
Ed: Something’s not quite right here…
Paul: That’s because he’s got a gambling problem.
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: How dare you suggest such a thing! I’ll have you hanged!
Paul: But you’re 10 billion light years away…
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: Yes, well. It was only a threat. Anyway, the film crew should be with about now………
Ding Dong
Captain: What the hell was that! Battle Stations! Red Alert! Fire all weapons!
Alex: That’s the door bell sir, the film crew is here.
Captain: Just keeping you on your toes.
B6B: Sure....
Captain: Shut up or I’ll tell my mother!
Alex: She’s dead sir…
Captain: Fine! I’ll be in the cyber café.
Alex: There’s a cyber café?
Captain: Yeah, just off set, behind the director…I mean…
(Edging towards the door)…
Captain: I use the holodeck to simulate a cyber café…..
Alex: There’s a holodeck?
Captain: I’m off!
(Runs into the door)
Captain: Damn it!
Alex and Moe show the film crew around the ship and they start to film, everything said from this point on is under the eye of the camera....
Alex: Yes, well I’m the guy that makes all the decisions around here.
Moe: No you’re not.
Alex: Well, I make all the tactical decisions!
Moe: No, you don’t.
Alex: Okay! I choose what’s for dinner!
Moe: Nope.
Alex: (lowers head) I’m the water boy.
Moe: And don’t forget it.
Meanwhile, in Ed and Michelle’s room…
Ed: You’re so hot…
Michelle: You’re so sweet…
Ed: And smooth, so smooth…
Michelle: Oh, Creamy…
Ed: This is the best apple pie I’ve tasted in ages!
Michelle: Me too!
Ed: Oh, hello Mr. Camera-man.
The next day…
Captain: (doing make-up in mirror (how did he get in there?)) *Whistle* La la la.
Geordie accent voiceover: Day two in the Big Beaver House, and The Captain is the only person out of bed…
Captain: Who the hell is that? Sounds like that actor in the film The 51st State from last year…I mean from last century. Look what you made me do, I’ve smudged my mascara! Get out!
Geordie accent voiceover: Sorry mate, wrong show!
Paul: Come quickly sir! We are being attacked!
Captain: Holy Smokes!
(Runs into the door)
Captain: Ouch! You know on the Enterprise they have automatic sliding doors….
On the bridge
Captain: Is everybody here?
R.O.B.E.: Not that it will help…
Captain: So who’s firing at us? Oh, what the hell, just fire back!
B6B: So which button is that then?
Captain: Don’t you know! Just make it look like you know what you’re doing, for the cameras sake! I shouldn’t of said that…
Alex: The enemy ship has gone sir!
Captain: Excellent, we defeated the evil scum!
Ed: They probably got bored with us and flew away.
Captain: Nonsense! (Drawing Ed’s attention to the camera) a win is a win!
Ed: Oh yeah, sure it is! Just smile and they will edit it out….
Beaverprise Crew: Cheese….
Paul: We’ve just received a fax from The World Beaver Federation, R.O.B.E, what does it say?
R.O.B.E: It says that Fox want some subtle advertising whilst we work…
Captain: Yeah, whatever…what’s for dinner?
Michelle: Roast chicken….from Iceland, buy one, and get one free!
Ed: Are they doing a deal, or are they doing a deal!
Moe: That’s really subtle.
Michelle: I used to be in advertising before I got this job!
Captain: Thinking up slogans and stuff?
Michelle: No, I just used to take my top off whilst wearing Levis, or eating McDonalds.
Captain: Works for me!
During Dinner…
Captain: A toast for all of us being resurrected as film stars!
Moe: Like Jesus!
Captain: No, more like that bloke out of the bible…
Michelle: This is only £5.99 in your local bookstore!
Paul: Can you stop that please?
Captain: Where’s that Water Boy?
Ed: Yeah, I’m thirsty for some pure Buxton water…
Paul: Right, I’m going to hurt someone soon….
Moe: Where is Alex anyway?
In Alex’s room
Alex: (In shower) “…All you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need…”
Dinner room
Captain: Prime time viewing, I think not.
Paul: Incoming message form The World Beaver Federation…
Captain: on screen!
The Most Brilliant Gratefulness: The World Beaver Federation has come into some money, which has nothing to do with my gambling problem. This means that the film crew will leave instantly.
Captain: He’s right you know they aren’t here!
Captains Log Star Date 16.2 (A Day After The Last Entry): With the film crew gone, the ship has returned to normal. Although since my last log, I’ve felt different somehow, like someone else has taken over in writing my destiny…anyway, I have decided that space exploration is what I do best, or maybe it’s the only thing I can get hired for, so on we go in our quest to…umm, what the hell am I doing here anyway?
All Crew (in patronizing, sitcom like manner): Nothing changes…
Crowd clap
Roll Credits
Logging Out Of R.O.B.E…Pick Up That Rubbish You Bastards!
Crew: Nah!
Logged Out Of R.O.B.E.
