Episode 6-Attack of the Clones
The Feature Length Season Finale
A Shough-Gilmour Production
Written By: Alex Gilmour
Based On An Idea By: Justin Shough
Stolen From An Idea By: George Lucas
Edited By: The Force
Additional Material By: Justin Shough
Starship Beaverprise Theme Composed and Conducted By: John Williams
Logging into R.O.B.E…Digitally mastered for minimal video and audio performance.
Brought to you by 20th Century Shough and Ruomlig Films Ltd.
Not that long ago, in a galaxy not so far away…
STARSHIP
BEAVERPRISE
Episode VI
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
It is a period of much hope among the World Beaver Federation. The Trade Republic has been destroyed and the celebrations reek throughout the galaxy. After the original Captain of the STARSHIP BEAVERPRISE was killed, along with an insignificant crew member several months ago the Federation felt a weight lifted from their shoulders. Only their troubles are not over yet for something is stirring. And it’s not me with my cup of tea. Far away, on the widely populated planet of Yarnellia, something has risen and is planning something huge, something so huge that I can’t tell you about it, because I’m just the typist for the credits. But you’ll find out soon. Sooner than you think in fact. But now I leave you with the greatest crew in all the galaxy…Well maybe not….
From the ultimately cool scrolling titles above (this facility is available by using the scroll bar on the right) we pan down to the even cooler Starship Beaverprise, which you can’t see, but I assure you it is cool!
Captain’s Log Star Date 6.1: Having somehow accidentally destroyed the Trade Republic several days ago, we found that the amazing battle we had and heroic adventures that took place will not be told until those bastards that created us write the prequels…so we settled on watching Hercules on channel 5. These prequels, which in turn will become the sequels, which in turn will go on to break box offices barriers set by this amazing episode of our lives. Oh and they’ll probably have better effects, which is why they made this one first and not our previous mission and….
Paul: Er, Captain? What the hell are you talking about?
Captain: What? Er...Nothing, just a dream I had. Anyway, on with the show!
Alex: What show?
Captain: Oh, forget it!
B6B: Captain! We are receiving an incoming transmission! It’s audio only.
Captain: On screen!
Alex: Captain, he said it was audio!
Captain: Oh right, of course. Audio. Read it out to me then!
B6B: I’ll just play the tape shall I?
Alex: I think it’d save a lot of time!
B6B plays the tape over the speakers on the bridge. The recording crackles and is of very poor quality.
Voice on tape: My God, nooooo! (grrrrrrrk) Help us! (fizzzzzzzzxxxxxx) They’ve slaughtered us all! (fuzzzz)
Captain: It’s pretty poor!
Voice #2: Well I’m sorry but we don’t have THX Digitally Mastered sound down here on Yarnellia! (crackle)
Alex: Did they say Yarnellia?
Captain: Yeah, it rings a bell!
Michelle: Oh, there must be someone at the door!
John Doe 23: I’ll get it!
John Doe 23 opens the hatch on the right side of the bridge and is sucked out into the emptiness of space. As he floats away his head bulges and his eyeballs explode.
Alex: My God! This is awful!
Michelle: I know!
Alex: The voice on the tape! It sounds like…No! it couldn’t be…..Rosemary!
Crew: Gasp!
Captain: B6B trace that call!
B6B: Dialling 1471 now sir. It seems that the call was made from a galaxy far, far away, but the caller withheld their number. Damn!
Captain: Mmmm…Galaxy! I mean, set co-ordinates for that particular galaxy.
B6B: Will do.
Several million minutes later….
Captain: Are we there yet?
Ed: Almost!
Captain: Are we there yet?
Ed: Almost!
Captain: Are we there yet?
Ed:Err…Almost!
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Ed: Ed! You remember I came out of the holodeck!
Captain: Oh right, of course! Who?
Ed: Michelle’s husband!
Captain: Michelle’s what? Nah, sorry! Can’t quite place ya!
Ed: I’m a hologram!
Captain: Yeah, ok Whatever!
Ed: Don’t you remember our last mission?
Captain: Were you that Indian chief?
Ed: (groan) Anyway, we’re here now! We’ve reached the Dark Side….
Crew: Gasp!
Ed: …Of The Moon!
Crew: Oh, cool!
Alex: Hey! That’s my kind of musical reference that no-one else would understand!
Captain: Nobody listen to Alex he’s talking nonsense again
B6B: Sir, I’m picking something up on our sensors!
Captain: What is it?
B6B: It looks like the now legendary Death Star! It’s so bright, but don’t look directly at it because it’ll kill you if you do. Hence the name Death Star!
Captain: Uh-hu! On screen!
Meanwhile relaxing and watching the stars go by on the viewing area lay John Doe 24 and his lover Jane Doe.
John Doe 24: Oh Jane, you’re eyes are as beautiful as the stars themselves!
Jane Doe: Oh John!
John Doe 24: Wow! Look at the big shiny black one up there! (Points at Death Star)
Jane Doe: My God, Noooo! It’s burning my eyes!
John Doe 24: Why? Why me? Why have I befallen this hideous fate?
John Doe 24 and Jane Doe disintegrate away into nothing. Dead.
B6B: Sir, this may be important! We’re now only 20 miles from the Planet Yarnellia that we visited in the now legendary Episode 1 of Starship Beaverprise!
Captain: Open communications with the planet.
B6B: No response, sir!
Captain: Okay, well try the Death Star!
B6B: They’re hailing us sir!
Captain: Quickly! Shields up! Go to Red Alert!
Alex: Er, sir! That means that they want to talk to us!
Captain: Er…Yes, of course! On screen!
The monitor at the front of the bridge flashes on. Two naked people are having sex on top of a photocopier.
Captain: Wow! Is this porn?
R.O.B.E: Oh, hey! Sorry! Didn’t know you were going to use the big screen this week
The porn flicks off and a dark image appears on screen. From that dark image a shady figure emerges in a hooded cloak!
Voice #2 from the tape: So if it isn’t the Starship Beaverprise and her measly crew of comical half-wits!
Captain: We know it’s you Rosemary!
Rosemary: Dammit! (cough) I mean….(wheeze) You may call me (splutter) Darth Wagner!!!!
Crew: Gasp!
Moe: That’s some cold you’ve got there!
Darth Wagner: I know tell me about it! (cough)
Captain: What the hell do you want with us?
Darth Wagner: I want to tell you (wheese) about my ultimate plan to destroy (cough) the universe!
Captain: And….
Darth Wagner: All right, (cough) I’ll stop the fancy talk! And one of these Tunes (splutter) should help too! After you left me and Beaverson for dead on the Planet Yarnellia, we were effectively killed! However, what the inhabitants did not know was that they killed us on a nuclear waste site and the remains of our bodies mixed with the waste materials. Several months passed and I was back to normal again! But Beaverson was soon to die! He didn’t react well to the waste and seemed to age too quickly… So before he reached an age at which he would be rejected by his own kind, I cloned him! I cloned him several thousand times!
Darth Wagner steps aside to reveal thousands upon thousands of Beaverson clones all lined up ready for battle. All identical. All completely the same, all ugly, All clones!
John Doe 25: What? Clones? Ha!
John Doe 26: Yeah what a load of crap!
Jane Doe 2: You couldn’t clone something if you tried!
John Doe 27: There’s absolutely no chance in hell of that working!
Jane Doe 3: Yeah, don’t you remember Dolly the Sheep?
Dolly the Sheep, Jr: Yeah! Don’t you remember what happened to my mummy?
Darth Wagner: What? Don’t you laugh at me! I am the almighty Darth Wagner! I am supreme ruler of this galaxy…or at least try to be… and I will destroy you all!
Darth Wagner’s face turns to a concentrated look and John Doe 25, John Doe 26, Jane Doe 2, John Doe 27, Jane Doe 3 and Dolly the Sheep, Jr. all fall to the floor. Grabbing their necks they roll around in agony, until they move no longer. Their eyes roll into their heads and their bodies turn limp.
Alex: What in God’s name was that?
Darth Wagner: I’m not really sure! Some mind trick I received when I emerged from the nuclear waste that brought me back into your lives!
Captain: Dammit! I thought nuclear waste would one day help mankind but I was wrong…
Alex: So what happened to the people of Yarnellia, you evil fiend?
Darth Wagner: I set my clones on them. It was a Clone War if you will. An Attack of the Clones. An Empire Strikes Back. A Return of the Jedi. A New Hope. A Phantom Menace! Moowhahaha!
Paul: What the hell are you on woman?
Darth Wagner: Quiet Boy!
Captain: What the hell do you want with us?
Darth Wagner: With you? Well I heard you destroyed a little thing called the Trade Republic and I just wanted to see if you could destroy something a little bigger….
Captain: Such as….
Darth Wagner: The Galactic Empire!!!!
Crew: Gasp!
Alex: Will you stop that! It’s really giving me a headache now!
Captain: Shut off the communications B6B!
The image of Rosemary disappears from the screen!
Michelle: Thank God, she’s gone!
Captain: Crew! Gather round!
The crew huddles around the Captain.
Captain: No that’s too close! Paul, stop touching my leg!
The crew moves away a little.
Captain: It seems that Rosemary, or Dath Wan*er, or whatever the hell she called herself wants to destroy us and probably with those Beaverson Clones! Now she’s inside the Death Star and that’s pretty big, so basically we have absolutely no chance in hell of defeating her here!
Paul: What if this is hell?
Captain: Shut up! The point is we need a plan, and fast!
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan sir! As cunning as a fox in the dead of night waiting for the cunningist of farmers to try and stop him from protecting his cunning hens!
Paul: Where the hell did he come from?
Alex: Baldrick? Why he’s been our Ship’s Cook since we set off on this voyage!
Paul: So how come I’ve never seen him before?
Alex: Well have you ever actually left the bridge, apart from when we beam down to a planet or go in the holodeck?
Paul: Well not exactly!
Alex: Well shut up then! Sir, I suggest we go to light speed and set co-ordinates for the farthest galaxy from here. Thus ensuring that Rosemary will not catch us!
Captain: Make it so!
B6B: Setting co-ordinates! Travelling to light speed!
The Starship Beaverprise crew tried to reverse them remembers the ship couldn’t so the crew turn around and fly as far away as is possible from the Death Star. As it begins to turn various ships emerge from within the Star and shoot at the ship. But they are too late to stop the legendary Starship Beaverprise!
Captains Log Star Date 6.2: Travelling at light speed, we have reached the planet of Taboo. The planet seems to be inhabited and Alex, Ed, B6B, Michelle, John Doe 28 and myself are going to beam down. However, B6B feels that R.O.B.E. should accompany us on this mission and is proceeding to find a suitable body for him to transport down into.
R.O.B.E: You want me to come too? Cool! How the hell is that going to happen?
B6B: Well I’ve gathered together several robots that we can transfer you into and allow you to walk freely around on the planet with us. You will of course no longer be on the ship, so everyone we leave behind will be unable to use you in any way!
R.O.B.E: OK, show me the bots my good friend!
B6B: Yeah, we have this amazingly realistic Arnold Schwarznegger look-a-like, with optional killing device; An original bending unit, which requires alcohol and nicotine to stay functional; This nanny on wheels, which is totally unrealistic; An android, with this rather cool costume on, which looks rather similar to the ones we’re wearing, but is obviously a rip-off; and this rather homosexual looking gold robot! Take your pick!
R.O.B.E: Er….well I don’t really feel the urge to kill; What the hell would my life be like if I was always drinking and smoking!?! There’s no way I’m having that! Whilst the nanny is rather arousing and the android rather cool, I think I’m going to have to go with the homosexual looking gold one!
B6B: Great choice! Now once we’ve entered the seven word code the robot can not be returned. His love for you will be real, but he will not! Are you ready for this Captain?
Captain: Oh my God! I’m going to have a real life son!
B6B: No, he is not real! And he actually wont love you it just makes the product sound good! In fact there’s not even a seven word code to enter!
Captain: Are you on drugs?
B6B: I’ll get rid of them right away sir!
In the transporter room
Captain: Are we all here?
Alex: Yup, I think so!
Ed: Hey R.O.B.E. why do you have to wear glasses if you’re a robot?
R.O.B.E: Shut up! I can have glasses if I want them!
B6B: There’s no reason for it really, we just thought that’s what R.O.B.E. would look like if he were human!
R.O.B.E: But I’m not!
B6B: We know!
Captain: Beam us down Zippy!
Zippy: Oh yes, Captain! Of course! Beaming you up and down! Am I turning you on?
Captain: No! Just beam us down you fool!
Zippy: Gulp! Yes sir!
On the Planet of Taboo, a dusty and desolate place….
Michelle: Captain, I think there’s a settlement over there!
Captain: Let’s head that way!
R.O.B.E: Wow is this outfit cool!
Alex: Dammit! The one place we come to escape him and he’s come with us this time!
They reach the settlement, which is actually some sort of old shack!
Captain: Hello! Anyone there?
Old man: Good day to you! I am Obi-Young Kenobi! And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
Captain: We’re the crew of the Starship Beaverprise.
Obi-Young: Ha!
Alex: You don’t look very young do you? In fact you look pretty ancient!
Obi-Young: It’s just a name!
R.O.B.E: Cough! Cough!
Obi-Young: Stop making that noise, you stupid robot!
Ed: Nice beard!
Obi-Young: Thanks! Anyway, please come in. I used to be a teacher many years ago, but I’ve retired now and I live here on Taboo with only my little robot, WD-40 to keep me company!
R.O.B.E: Loser! I mean…Wow! She’s kind of hot!
Ed: That’s a wheelie bin R.O.B.E! WD-40’s over there!
R.O.B.E: Whoops! My mistake! Wow she is hot! Really hot!
Obi-Young: Actually it’s a boy, but what-ever takes your fancy!
R.O.B.E: Cool! I mean…I think I’ll pass!
Alex: Hey, what’s this?
Alex picks up a small handle, pressing a button on it a beam of light comes out of it.
Alex: Cool! Some sort of a weapon!
Ed: Hey! Watch where you’re swinging that thing! You could take somebody’s arm off with that thing!
Alex: Will you stop ruining my fun?!?
Obi-Young: Ahhh, it’s my neighbour, Darth Shopping Maul!
Alex: Shopping Maul? Damn you Americans, why the hell can’t you use normal words like us British! You bastards!
Alex swings the weapon around his head and cuts Darth Shopping Maul in half.
Captain: Well there goes our contract in the USA!
Harry Potter: Hi, Mr. Kenobi! I just brought your magic book back!
Alex: Harry Potter? You bastard! I hate you! You’re such a freak with your magic spells and ginger friend!
Harry Potter is sliced up as well.
John Doe 28: You killed Harry Potter!
Alex: John Doe 28? You bastard! Why are there so many of you! What the hell kind of a freak are you!?!
John Doe 28 is sliced in half by the weapon that Alex continues to swing around.
Jar Jar: Hi! I’m Jar Jar…
R.O.B.E: Stinks!
Alex: Jar Jar Stinks? Damn you! You freaking frog like lizard! You’re so annoying! How the hell did you get here, you bastard!?!
Jar Jar Stinks is sliced to smithereens, as Alex drops the weapon to the ground.
Alex: Jesus Christ that felt good!
Obi-Young: You’re pretty good with that thing. In fact I could take under my wing and train you to be the ultimate fighting champion, but instead I’m going to take your gold robot friend, along with myself and WD-40 to some far off planet for no apparent reason than that it’s what I do! Goodbye!
Obi-Young Kenobi grabs R.O.B.E. and WD-40 and throws them into his spaceship. Zooming off into space.
R.O.B.E: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Captains Log Star Date 6.3: Having now visited the Planet of Taboo, we have lost R.O.B.E. to one Obi-Young Kenobi. What his motives are we are unsure of at this point. However, whilst we were gone a man has beamed aboard our ship and he doesn’t seem to have good intentions.
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Boba: I am Boba Muffett the galaxy’s most infamous bounty hunter!
Captain: And you want what exactly?
Boba: I want Ed…That is, I have been sent by the evil Jabba the Hunk to find one Ed Solo who is apparently aboard your ship. He has been a threat to the Rebel Alliance for several years now and Jabba wants him dead.
Captain: Well we don’t have this Ed!
Ed: Did someone call me?
Captain: D’oh!
Boba: A-ha!
Ed: Oh crap! It’s you!
Boba Muffett runs over to Ed, grabs him and flies out of the ship and into his own. Going straight into light speed the shuttle disappears into the distance.
Alex: Well that went well!
Captains Log Star Date 6.4: After losing R.O.B.E on the Planet of Taboo we have just lost Ed to the infamous bounty hunter, Boba Muffett. He mentioned Jabba the Hunk before he left, and so we are heading to Nal Hunka the planet on which Jabba resides. Once there we shall beam down to the surface and try to find the evil crime lord. Hopefully before it is too late!
Crew: Gasp!
Alex: What did I tell you about doing that!?!
On the Planet of Nal Hunka…..
Captain: So here we are!
Moe: Where?
Captain: Here you fool!
Alex: Something’s going on over there I think we should head that way! Looks like some sort of a race!
A small, ugly, flying creature approaches the crew. He has a small brat kid at his side.
Creature: You want to be in the race? Huh?
Captain: Not really no!
Kid: Please sir, if we win I can be set free and will no longer be a slave to these people!
Captain: Er…Nah!
Kid: But I can fly the pods real good! My last master Qui-Gone Gin, he thought I was really good, but then he became an alcoholic and lost all interest in me!
Captain: Sorry kid! We haven’t got time!
Creature: You want to watch the race then? Huh?
Captain: Sure, let’s go!
40 Minutes Later…
Alex: Will this stupid pod race ever end? We’ve been here for ages and they just go around and around!
Captain: Yeah, I’m kind of bored too!
B6B: Let’s get out of here!
Michelle: It’s a shame that kid died on the first lap…well not really nobody loved him although he could have probably gone on to be something big!
Captain: Yeah, so Jabba’s Palace! I think it’s over there!
The Captain points to a building with flashing lights on it and a massive sign on top that says Jabba’s Palace.
Alex: You think?
At the palace…
Captain: We’re here to see Jabba the Hunk!
Pig Creature: Sure come on in! The more the merrier!
Alex: Is this a brothel?
Pig Creature: Er…Yeah, whatever you want it to be!
The Pig Creature takes the crew into the main room of Jabba’s Palace. Jabba the Hunk sits at the head of the room. Various bizarre and rather stupid creatures surround the crime lord. Most of them puppets, and a few CGI ones we added for the Special Edition!
Captain: Jabba the Hunk we are the crew of the Starship Beaverprise! I do believe you have one of our crewmembers, Ed!
Jabba the Hunk: Arrrrr Schnik, dole txt mne bolk! A haaarrr ha!
Paul: What the hell did he say?
Captain: I dunno! Isn’t one of us a translator?
Alex: Er…I think that’s you!
Captain: It is? Since when?
B6B: Ever since Alex has been the Doctor!
Alex: I’m the Doctor?
Paul: Did no one else read the Crew Member information before we started our missions?
Alex: Ha! No, you loser! Why the hell would we read those?
Captain: Hey, it says here that you slept with the woman in charge of the mission!
Alex: What? Why the hell is that in there? I mean…No! That’s a lie! I bet R.O.B.E. changed those details…
Michelle: Er…Captain! What did Jabba the Hunk say?
Captain: He said that he thinks we’re all stupid and then he laughed at us!
John Doe 29: Bastard!
Jabba the Hutt presses a button next to where he sits and a trap door opens beneath John Doe 29’s feet. He falls into the pit below. A door opens in the pit and a hideous and very fierce Rancor appears.
John Doe 29: My God, noooooo! Help me!
Captain: Stab him with the stick! No not that one, the other…(groan)
The Rancor swallows John Doe 29 whole.
Captain: Oh well! Plenty more where that came from!
Alex: So Jabba! Where’s Ed?
Jabba the Hunk: Grakk snoll moor laqura tinuk!
Captain: Er…They’ve frozen him in Chocolate so that they can eat him later! And he’s over there!
In the corner of the room is Ed frozen in a block of chocolate, with a horrific look on his face.
Jabba the Hunk: Moowhahahahahaahahaaaa!
Paul: What’d he say that time?
Captain: Well…. Moowhahahahahaahahaaaa! To be precise!
Boba: Nothing you can do will save your friend now! Ha ha!
Paul: What did that guy say?
Captain: That was English you fool!
Alex: OK, so we need a plan right?
Baldrick: I have a plan, sir! A very cunning…
Alex: What? F*ck off!
Alex pushes Baldrick through the trap door and into the Rancor’s pit. Terrible screams are heard as the Rancor rips poor Baldrick to bits!
Alex: That guy said one line too many for my liking!
Captain: I’ve got it! It’s ingenious! Michelle put on this sexy and rather alluring bikini outfit.
Michelle: OK then!
A couple of minutes later Michelle returns wearing the bikini outfit.
Captain: Hubba hubba!
Alex: What’s that for?
Captain: Oh that’s not part of the plan, I just thought she’d look good in it!
Alex: So what is the plan?
Captain: Mr. Hunk I do believe we can make a fair trade for our friend frozen in chocolate!
Jabba the Hunk: Grrrrak snuggg raaaaaa nimer!
Boba: Nothing you can offer will make us give up Ed! For he killed my father, Jenga Muffett, creator of many popular board games! He brought hope and fun to the lives of millions! I must avenge his death or die trying!
Captain: Well how about this fine young lady in the rather attractive bikini outfit?
Jabba the Hunk: Woo!
Boba: Done! Just take the chocolate guy and go!
Michelle: What? What are you doing?
Captain: It’s ok we’ll come back to rescue you later!
Michelle: OK then! Don’t be too long though!
Alex: Well it depends how much more I can write really!
Paul: Or how long it takes us to eat Ed!
Michelle: What?
Alex: Oh Shut up!
Captains Log Star Date 6.5: We have returned to the ship. In rescuing Ed we lost John Doe 29, Baldrick and Michelle. But we will of course go back for her later. We are now heading to the swamps of Doggybar where we hope to find someone who can help us in destroying the evil Darth Wagner and her Beaverson clones. In the mean time I’ve been wondering what the hell has happened to our dear friend R.O.B.E. who was taken away by Obi-Young Kenobi earlier in our mission (if you can remember that far back!).
In Obi-Young Kenobi’s star cruiser:
R.O.B.E: So where the hell are we going?
Obi-Young: To the far away Planet of Tanzanine!
R.O.B.E: Oh cool! The one with all the cute little teddy bears?
Obi-Young: No, this one is inhabited by starving Ethopians!
R.O.B.E: So why the hell are we going?
Obi-Young: I’ll let WD-40 field that one.
WD-40: Beep! Beep! Wirrrrr! Beep! Wirrrr! Wirrrr! Beep! Ping!
R.O.B.E: To take money to build schools and improve their living conditions in ways that only we can?
Obi-Young: Yes!
R.O.B.E: What a load of bol….
The ship reaches Tanzanine and lands on the planet’s surface. As the three climb from the ship hundreds of starving people run towards them.
Ethiopian #1: You bring us food good sirs?
Obi-Young: No, sorry! We don’t have any food! We figured you’d rather have a better school so that your children could learn and then not become as stupid as you and come to this planet without any food!
Ethiopian #2: He has no food!
Ethiopian #1: We must kill him and his friends!
R.O.B.E: No don’t kill me. I’ve only just been born…so to speak!
Ethiopians: Gasp!
A misty cloud appears above the Ethiopians and Alex appears in it…
Alex: Stop that you freaks!
Ethiopians: Nooo! It is the devil himself!
Alex: Shut up!
The cloud disappears into nothing and the Ethiopians turn back to R.O.B.E.
Ethiopian #1: You are him! You are our God!
R.O.B.E: What are you talking about?
Obi-Young: They think you’re their God! It’s good! Just play along and they wont kill us!
Ethiopian #2: Come with us and will grace you with many riches, all of which we are too stupid to buy food with, but can shower you with instead as you are our God!
Ethiopian #3: Alternatively we could just sell you, as you’re made of gold! Wouldn’t that be a better idea?
Ethiopian #2: No you fool! We need to worship him!
Ethiopian #3: OK! All hail our almighty lord!
R.O.B.E: Well this certainly is a turn up for the books!
WD-40: Beep! Wirrrr! Click! Beep! Beep!
R.O.B.E: What’s that you say WD? The Sheriff is trapped down the old well? Gee whizz Skip, this is hardly the time nor the place to bring up such trivialities!
WD-40: Click! Whirrr! Beeep! Click! Click!
R.O.B.E: I should think so too!
Back on the Starship Beaverprise:
B6B: We’ve reached Doggybar, sir!
Captain: Where? Oh good, good! I shall beam down with Alex.
On the surface of Doggybar:
Alex: So what are we looking for?
Captain: Someone called Skoda! He’s an ancient warrior and can give us the information we need to destroy Darth Wagner!
Alex: So he lives in these swamps? Must be quite a loser!
A funny looking creature wearing a green fleece pops up from behind a rock.
Skoda: Not a great loser am I!
Alex: What? who the hell are you?
Skoda: But you are who? You are with Starship Beaverprise, hmmmmm?
Captain: Yes!
Skoda: Ahhhhh, the young Shoughwalker I see!
Captain: It’s Shough, just Shough!
Skoda: Shoughjustshough! Train with me to defeat Darth Wagner you must!
Alex: Why the hell can’t you talk properly?
Skoda: Talk properly I do, but for a creature such as I, I talk like this I must! Hmmmmm!
Alex: What? You’re not even real, you’re some kind of a puppet!
Alex picks up Skoda, revealing him to have no legs and a bloke sitting underneath him.
Skoda: Real am I! Real am I!
Alex: Yeah, whatever!
Alex throws the puppet across the swamp. It lands in a massive pool of bubbling liquid and disintegrates.
Captain: You killed him!
Alex: He was just a puppet sir! And who the hell are you?
Skoda: I’m the real Skoda! I like football and I talk far too much! You’ll probably find me rather annoying too!
Alex: What the hell were you doing with that puppet?
Skoda: Oh that! Just thought I’d have a bit of fun! Ahaha!
Captain: How can we defeat Darth Wagner?
Skoda: Pretty simple really, just take that weapon that Alex here picked up at Obi-Young Kenobi’s and strike her down with it. Once you’ve killed her the Beaverson clones should be quite simple to tackle. Could you leave just one for me to have though? That’s all I ask of you!
Alex: You sick twisted f….
Back on the ship:
Captain: Set co-ordinates for the Death Star!
B6B: Setting co-ordinates!
Captain: Jump to light speed!
Several moments later…
B6B: We’re here!
Captain: OK, listen up crew! I’m going to have to face Darth Wagner alone, thus ensuring that only I will receive credit when she is killed and none of you lousy bastards! In the mean time prepare to blow the Death Star out of the sky. It contains all of the Beaverson clones and this is the only way we can defeat them!
Alex: What if you’re still in there?
Captain: Then I’ll have to die too!
B6B: Beaming you aboard the Death Star, sir!
Aboard the Death Star:
Darth Wagner: Ahhhh! Justin Shoughwalker we meet again!
Captain: Yeah whatever! I’m here to kill you, or just to mildly injure you so that you can return to try and kill us all in a future episode!
Darth Wagner: Not only will you have to kill me and my clones, but also the Emperor of the Galactic Empire!
Emperor: Yes, you must defeat me too! I am Senator Palpatine or Darth Sidious or Chancellor Palpatine, I can’t remember! But you can call me Emperor Lesley! Mmph Mmph
Captain: Oh crap! Two twisted and rather insane maniacs working together to kill me! Dammit!
The Captain grabs the weapon from his belt and stabs Lesley with it!
Emperor: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can’t do this, I… I’m to beautiful to die
Captain: Shut up you’re dead now!
Darth Wagner: Now we must fight to the death or die trying!
Darth Wagner pulls a similar weapon from her belt and the two commence battle!
Meanwhile back on the Starship Beaverprise:
Alex: So who are we sending on this suicide mission to destroy the Death Star? You may not make it back alive!
Black Guy: Hey! I’ll do it man!
Alex: Who the hell are you?
Black Guy: I’m Orlando Calrissian Bloom! I’m here cos you aint got no black brothers in this show, man! And the television executives don’t like it! Samuel L Jackson was unavailable so I’m here man
Alex: Yeah, ok whatever! You can go and take John Doe 30 and 31 with you. You may need them!
Black Guy: Thanks brother!
Orlando Calrissian Bloom, John Doe 30 and John Doe 31 board the ship, which will travel into the core of the Death Star to destroy it once and for all!
Black Guy: I’m telling you man, I’m gonna come back alive! I’m gonna get through this sh*t!
Alex: See you in hell!
The ship leaves the Starship Beaverprise and heads towards the Death Star.
On the Death Star:
Captain: Why the hell wont you die dammit! I must kill you! I know that you killed my father!
Darth Wagner: What? Who told you this information?
Captain: Well actually I just made that up because it sounded good!
Darth Wagner: Justin! I am you father!
On the Planet of Tanzanine the Ethopians are watching on a big screen televison.
Ethopians: Gasp!
R.O.B.E: Hey what is this? Some sort of an American comedy?
Ethopian #1: We don’t know, it just comes on every week at about this time! I think it’s supposed to be funny or something!
Ethopian #2: Yeah, this is the series finale! And it certainly is going on for a long time!
Ethopian #3: Yeah, is it ever going to end?
Ethopian #4: Nope!
Back on the Death Star:
Captain: My God, nooooo! You twisted woman…er, man!
Darth Wagner: Moowhahahahahahaha! And you’ll never guess who your sister is!
Captain: No, not Michelle!!!!!!!!
Darth Wagner: No, that fool Paul! Haven’t you always wondered why he talks like a girl!
Captain: Christ! Now I’m definitely going to have to kill you!
The Captain takes one swipe with his lightsaber…I mean weapon and strikes Darth Wagner down.
Darth Wagner: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Captain: Yippee Ki-Ai! Motherfucker…oh wait you did actually fu…
Meanwhile on the Millennium Angel:
Black Guy: We’re almost there dudes! All we need is one shot and we turn this baby around.
John Doe 30: Simple!
John Doe 31: Ready to fire!
Black Guy: Put metal in their ass!
John Doe 31: Firing photon torpedoes!
As the Millennium Angel fires at the core of the Death Star the ship flies around and heads out of the opening it came in. The Death Star exploded behind them, as they fly out of it.
Black Guy: We did it man!
John Doe 30: And we’re still alive! It’s a miracle!
John Doe 31: Thank God!
Black Guy: This is one TV show where the black man doesn’t just pointlessly die!
As these words are said debry from the Death Star flies straight towards the Millennium Angel, hitting it and taking it right out of the sky.
Black Guy: Awww, sh*t man!
The Millennium Angel goes up in one almighty explosion killing Orlando Calrissian Bloom, John Doe 30 and John Doe 31.
Back on the Starship Beaverprise:
Alex: Woo! We did it! Luckily we didn’t lose any vital members of the crew!
Paul: What about the Captain, sir?
B6B: He made it! Just in the nick of time!
Paul: Dammit! I mean…Woo!
Captains Log Star Date 6.6: Having destroyed the Death Star, we have defeated Darth Wagner, Emperor Lesley and the Beaverson Clones once and for all! The celebrations ring throughout the ship and we have informed the World Beaver Federation of our victory. Ed is currently eating his way out of the thawing chocolate he was frozen in, and we are now on our way to rescue Michelle from the evil Jabba the Hunk. The startling discoveries I made during my time on the Death Star shall remain with me and me alone for all eternity…..
Meanwhile back on the Planet of Tanzanine:
Ethiopian #1: Wow what a great episode that was! I can’t believe Rosmary was his father!
Ethiopian #2: Yeah it almost topped the last one with the holodeck!
R.O.B.E: It was pretty good! I’m so going to have to find it on our TV back on the ship!
Captains Log Star Date 6.6 Continued: I just can’t help feel that we’ve forgotten someone….
R.O.B.E: I wonder where the ship’s got too? At this rate I’m going to have to set up my own farm on this measly planet to keep these Ethiopians alive! Mmm farm…
R.O.B.E. Does not have the power of the force and so your connection has been cut.
The Feature Length Season Finale
A Shough-Gilmour Production
Written By: Alex Gilmour
Based On An Idea By: Justin Shough
Stolen From An Idea By: George Lucas
Edited By: The Force
Additional Material By: Justin Shough
Starship Beaverprise Theme Composed and Conducted By: John Williams
Logging into R.O.B.E…Digitally mastered for minimal video and audio performance.
Brought to you by 20th Century Shough and Ruomlig Films Ltd.
Not that long ago, in a galaxy not so far away…
STARSHIP
BEAVERPRISE
Episode VI
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
It is a period of much hope among the World Beaver Federation. The Trade Republic has been destroyed and the celebrations reek throughout the galaxy. After the original Captain of the STARSHIP BEAVERPRISE was killed, along with an insignificant crew member several months ago the Federation felt a weight lifted from their shoulders. Only their troubles are not over yet for something is stirring. And it’s not me with my cup of tea. Far away, on the widely populated planet of Yarnellia, something has risen and is planning something huge, something so huge that I can’t tell you about it, because I’m just the typist for the credits. But you’ll find out soon. Sooner than you think in fact. But now I leave you with the greatest crew in all the galaxy…Well maybe not….
From the ultimately cool scrolling titles above (this facility is available by using the scroll bar on the right) we pan down to the even cooler Starship Beaverprise, which you can’t see, but I assure you it is cool!
Captain’s Log Star Date 6.1: Having somehow accidentally destroyed the Trade Republic several days ago, we found that the amazing battle we had and heroic adventures that took place will not be told until those bastards that created us write the prequels…so we settled on watching Hercules on channel 5. These prequels, which in turn will become the sequels, which in turn will go on to break box offices barriers set by this amazing episode of our lives. Oh and they’ll probably have better effects, which is why they made this one first and not our previous mission and….
Paul: Er, Captain? What the hell are you talking about?
Captain: What? Er...Nothing, just a dream I had. Anyway, on with the show!
Alex: What show?
Captain: Oh, forget it!
B6B: Captain! We are receiving an incoming transmission! It’s audio only.
Captain: On screen!
Alex: Captain, he said it was audio!
Captain: Oh right, of course. Audio. Read it out to me then!
B6B: I’ll just play the tape shall I?
Alex: I think it’d save a lot of time!
B6B plays the tape over the speakers on the bridge. The recording crackles and is of very poor quality.
Voice on tape: My God, nooooo! (grrrrrrrk) Help us! (fizzzzzzzzxxxxxx) They’ve slaughtered us all! (fuzzzz)
Captain: It’s pretty poor!
Voice #2: Well I’m sorry but we don’t have THX Digitally Mastered sound down here on Yarnellia! (crackle)
Alex: Did they say Yarnellia?
Captain: Yeah, it rings a bell!
Michelle: Oh, there must be someone at the door!
John Doe 23: I’ll get it!
John Doe 23 opens the hatch on the right side of the bridge and is sucked out into the emptiness of space. As he floats away his head bulges and his eyeballs explode.
Alex: My God! This is awful!
Michelle: I know!
Alex: The voice on the tape! It sounds like…No! it couldn’t be…..Rosemary!
Crew: Gasp!
Captain: B6B trace that call!
B6B: Dialling 1471 now sir. It seems that the call was made from a galaxy far, far away, but the caller withheld their number. Damn!
Captain: Mmmm…Galaxy! I mean, set co-ordinates for that particular galaxy.
B6B: Will do.
Several million minutes later….
Captain: Are we there yet?
Ed: Almost!
Captain: Are we there yet?
Ed: Almost!
Captain: Are we there yet?
Ed:Err…Almost!
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Ed: Ed! You remember I came out of the holodeck!
Captain: Oh right, of course! Who?
Ed: Michelle’s husband!
Captain: Michelle’s what? Nah, sorry! Can’t quite place ya!
Ed: I’m a hologram!
Captain: Yeah, ok Whatever!
Ed: Don’t you remember our last mission?
Captain: Were you that Indian chief?
Ed: (groan) Anyway, we’re here now! We’ve reached the Dark Side….
Crew: Gasp!
Ed: …Of The Moon!
Crew: Oh, cool!
Alex: Hey! That’s my kind of musical reference that no-one else would understand!
Captain: Nobody listen to Alex he’s talking nonsense again
B6B: Sir, I’m picking something up on our sensors!
Captain: What is it?
B6B: It looks like the now legendary Death Star! It’s so bright, but don’t look directly at it because it’ll kill you if you do. Hence the name Death Star!
Captain: Uh-hu! On screen!
Meanwhile relaxing and watching the stars go by on the viewing area lay John Doe 24 and his lover Jane Doe.
John Doe 24: Oh Jane, you’re eyes are as beautiful as the stars themselves!
Jane Doe: Oh John!
John Doe 24: Wow! Look at the big shiny black one up there! (Points at Death Star)
Jane Doe: My God, Noooo! It’s burning my eyes!
John Doe 24: Why? Why me? Why have I befallen this hideous fate?
John Doe 24 and Jane Doe disintegrate away into nothing. Dead.
B6B: Sir, this may be important! We’re now only 20 miles from the Planet Yarnellia that we visited in the now legendary Episode 1 of Starship Beaverprise!
Captain: Open communications with the planet.
B6B: No response, sir!
Captain: Okay, well try the Death Star!
B6B: They’re hailing us sir!
Captain: Quickly! Shields up! Go to Red Alert!
Alex: Er, sir! That means that they want to talk to us!
Captain: Er…Yes, of course! On screen!
The monitor at the front of the bridge flashes on. Two naked people are having sex on top of a photocopier.
Captain: Wow! Is this porn?
R.O.B.E: Oh, hey! Sorry! Didn’t know you were going to use the big screen this week
The porn flicks off and a dark image appears on screen. From that dark image a shady figure emerges in a hooded cloak!
Voice #2 from the tape: So if it isn’t the Starship Beaverprise and her measly crew of comical half-wits!
Captain: We know it’s you Rosemary!
Rosemary: Dammit! (cough) I mean….(wheeze) You may call me (splutter) Darth Wagner!!!!
Crew: Gasp!
Moe: That’s some cold you’ve got there!
Darth Wagner: I know tell me about it! (cough)
Captain: What the hell do you want with us?
Darth Wagner: I want to tell you (wheese) about my ultimate plan to destroy (cough) the universe!
Captain: And….
Darth Wagner: All right, (cough) I’ll stop the fancy talk! And one of these Tunes (splutter) should help too! After you left me and Beaverson for dead on the Planet Yarnellia, we were effectively killed! However, what the inhabitants did not know was that they killed us on a nuclear waste site and the remains of our bodies mixed with the waste materials. Several months passed and I was back to normal again! But Beaverson was soon to die! He didn’t react well to the waste and seemed to age too quickly… So before he reached an age at which he would be rejected by his own kind, I cloned him! I cloned him several thousand times!
Darth Wagner steps aside to reveal thousands upon thousands of Beaverson clones all lined up ready for battle. All identical. All completely the same, all ugly, All clones!
John Doe 25: What? Clones? Ha!
John Doe 26: Yeah what a load of crap!
Jane Doe 2: You couldn’t clone something if you tried!
John Doe 27: There’s absolutely no chance in hell of that working!
Jane Doe 3: Yeah, don’t you remember Dolly the Sheep?
Dolly the Sheep, Jr: Yeah! Don’t you remember what happened to my mummy?
Darth Wagner: What? Don’t you laugh at me! I am the almighty Darth Wagner! I am supreme ruler of this galaxy…or at least try to be… and I will destroy you all!
Darth Wagner’s face turns to a concentrated look and John Doe 25, John Doe 26, Jane Doe 2, John Doe 27, Jane Doe 3 and Dolly the Sheep, Jr. all fall to the floor. Grabbing their necks they roll around in agony, until they move no longer. Their eyes roll into their heads and their bodies turn limp.
Alex: What in God’s name was that?
Darth Wagner: I’m not really sure! Some mind trick I received when I emerged from the nuclear waste that brought me back into your lives!
Captain: Dammit! I thought nuclear waste would one day help mankind but I was wrong…
Alex: So what happened to the people of Yarnellia, you evil fiend?
Darth Wagner: I set my clones on them. It was a Clone War if you will. An Attack of the Clones. An Empire Strikes Back. A Return of the Jedi. A New Hope. A Phantom Menace! Moowhahaha!
Paul: What the hell are you on woman?
Darth Wagner: Quiet Boy!
Captain: What the hell do you want with us?
Darth Wagner: With you? Well I heard you destroyed a little thing called the Trade Republic and I just wanted to see if you could destroy something a little bigger….
Captain: Such as….
Darth Wagner: The Galactic Empire!!!!
Crew: Gasp!
Alex: Will you stop that! It’s really giving me a headache now!
Captain: Shut off the communications B6B!
The image of Rosemary disappears from the screen!
Michelle: Thank God, she’s gone!
Captain: Crew! Gather round!
The crew huddles around the Captain.
Captain: No that’s too close! Paul, stop touching my leg!
The crew moves away a little.
Captain: It seems that Rosemary, or Dath Wan*er, or whatever the hell she called herself wants to destroy us and probably with those Beaverson Clones! Now she’s inside the Death Star and that’s pretty big, so basically we have absolutely no chance in hell of defeating her here!
Paul: What if this is hell?
Captain: Shut up! The point is we need a plan, and fast!
Baldrick: I have a cunning plan sir! As cunning as a fox in the dead of night waiting for the cunningist of farmers to try and stop him from protecting his cunning hens!
Paul: Where the hell did he come from?
Alex: Baldrick? Why he’s been our Ship’s Cook since we set off on this voyage!
Paul: So how come I’ve never seen him before?
Alex: Well have you ever actually left the bridge, apart from when we beam down to a planet or go in the holodeck?
Paul: Well not exactly!
Alex: Well shut up then! Sir, I suggest we go to light speed and set co-ordinates for the farthest galaxy from here. Thus ensuring that Rosemary will not catch us!
Captain: Make it so!
B6B: Setting co-ordinates! Travelling to light speed!
The Starship Beaverprise crew tried to reverse them remembers the ship couldn’t so the crew turn around and fly as far away as is possible from the Death Star. As it begins to turn various ships emerge from within the Star and shoot at the ship. But they are too late to stop the legendary Starship Beaverprise!
Captains Log Star Date 6.2: Travelling at light speed, we have reached the planet of Taboo. The planet seems to be inhabited and Alex, Ed, B6B, Michelle, John Doe 28 and myself are going to beam down. However, B6B feels that R.O.B.E. should accompany us on this mission and is proceeding to find a suitable body for him to transport down into.
R.O.B.E: You want me to come too? Cool! How the hell is that going to happen?
B6B: Well I’ve gathered together several robots that we can transfer you into and allow you to walk freely around on the planet with us. You will of course no longer be on the ship, so everyone we leave behind will be unable to use you in any way!
R.O.B.E: OK, show me the bots my good friend!
B6B: Yeah, we have this amazingly realistic Arnold Schwarznegger look-a-like, with optional killing device; An original bending unit, which requires alcohol and nicotine to stay functional; This nanny on wheels, which is totally unrealistic; An android, with this rather cool costume on, which looks rather similar to the ones we’re wearing, but is obviously a rip-off; and this rather homosexual looking gold robot! Take your pick!
R.O.B.E: Er….well I don’t really feel the urge to kill; What the hell would my life be like if I was always drinking and smoking!?! There’s no way I’m having that! Whilst the nanny is rather arousing and the android rather cool, I think I’m going to have to go with the homosexual looking gold one!
B6B: Great choice! Now once we’ve entered the seven word code the robot can not be returned. His love for you will be real, but he will not! Are you ready for this Captain?
Captain: Oh my God! I’m going to have a real life son!
B6B: No, he is not real! And he actually wont love you it just makes the product sound good! In fact there’s not even a seven word code to enter!
Captain: Are you on drugs?
B6B: I’ll get rid of them right away sir!
In the transporter room
Captain: Are we all here?
Alex: Yup, I think so!
Ed: Hey R.O.B.E. why do you have to wear glasses if you’re a robot?
R.O.B.E: Shut up! I can have glasses if I want them!
B6B: There’s no reason for it really, we just thought that’s what R.O.B.E. would look like if he were human!
R.O.B.E: But I’m not!
B6B: We know!
Captain: Beam us down Zippy!
Zippy: Oh yes, Captain! Of course! Beaming you up and down! Am I turning you on?
Captain: No! Just beam us down you fool!
Zippy: Gulp! Yes sir!
On the Planet of Taboo, a dusty and desolate place….
Michelle: Captain, I think there’s a settlement over there!
Captain: Let’s head that way!
R.O.B.E: Wow is this outfit cool!
Alex: Dammit! The one place we come to escape him and he’s come with us this time!
They reach the settlement, which is actually some sort of old shack!
Captain: Hello! Anyone there?
Old man: Good day to you! I am Obi-Young Kenobi! And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
Captain: We’re the crew of the Starship Beaverprise.
Obi-Young: Ha!
Alex: You don’t look very young do you? In fact you look pretty ancient!
Obi-Young: It’s just a name!
R.O.B.E: Cough! Cough!
Obi-Young: Stop making that noise, you stupid robot!
Ed: Nice beard!
Obi-Young: Thanks! Anyway, please come in. I used to be a teacher many years ago, but I’ve retired now and I live here on Taboo with only my little robot, WD-40 to keep me company!
R.O.B.E: Loser! I mean…Wow! She’s kind of hot!
Ed: That’s a wheelie bin R.O.B.E! WD-40’s over there!
R.O.B.E: Whoops! My mistake! Wow she is hot! Really hot!
Obi-Young: Actually it’s a boy, but what-ever takes your fancy!
R.O.B.E: Cool! I mean…I think I’ll pass!
Alex: Hey, what’s this?
Alex picks up a small handle, pressing a button on it a beam of light comes out of it.
Alex: Cool! Some sort of a weapon!
Ed: Hey! Watch where you’re swinging that thing! You could take somebody’s arm off with that thing!
Alex: Will you stop ruining my fun?!?
Obi-Young: Ahhh, it’s my neighbour, Darth Shopping Maul!
Alex: Shopping Maul? Damn you Americans, why the hell can’t you use normal words like us British! You bastards!
Alex swings the weapon around his head and cuts Darth Shopping Maul in half.
Captain: Well there goes our contract in the USA!
Harry Potter: Hi, Mr. Kenobi! I just brought your magic book back!
Alex: Harry Potter? You bastard! I hate you! You’re such a freak with your magic spells and ginger friend!
Harry Potter is sliced up as well.
John Doe 28: You killed Harry Potter!
Alex: John Doe 28? You bastard! Why are there so many of you! What the hell kind of a freak are you!?!
John Doe 28 is sliced in half by the weapon that Alex continues to swing around.
Jar Jar: Hi! I’m Jar Jar…
R.O.B.E: Stinks!
Alex: Jar Jar Stinks? Damn you! You freaking frog like lizard! You’re so annoying! How the hell did you get here, you bastard!?!
Jar Jar Stinks is sliced to smithereens, as Alex drops the weapon to the ground.
Alex: Jesus Christ that felt good!
Obi-Young: You’re pretty good with that thing. In fact I could take under my wing and train you to be the ultimate fighting champion, but instead I’m going to take your gold robot friend, along with myself and WD-40 to some far off planet for no apparent reason than that it’s what I do! Goodbye!
Obi-Young Kenobi grabs R.O.B.E. and WD-40 and throws them into his spaceship. Zooming off into space.
R.O.B.E: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Captains Log Star Date 6.3: Having now visited the Planet of Taboo, we have lost R.O.B.E. to one Obi-Young Kenobi. What his motives are we are unsure of at this point. However, whilst we were gone a man has beamed aboard our ship and he doesn’t seem to have good intentions.
Captain: Who the hell are you?
Boba: I am Boba Muffett the galaxy’s most infamous bounty hunter!
Captain: And you want what exactly?
Boba: I want Ed…That is, I have been sent by the evil Jabba the Hunk to find one Ed Solo who is apparently aboard your ship. He has been a threat to the Rebel Alliance for several years now and Jabba wants him dead.
Captain: Well we don’t have this Ed!
Ed: Did someone call me?
Captain: D’oh!
Boba: A-ha!
Ed: Oh crap! It’s you!
Boba Muffett runs over to Ed, grabs him and flies out of the ship and into his own. Going straight into light speed the shuttle disappears into the distance.
Alex: Well that went well!
Captains Log Star Date 6.4: After losing R.O.B.E on the Planet of Taboo we have just lost Ed to the infamous bounty hunter, Boba Muffett. He mentioned Jabba the Hunk before he left, and so we are heading to Nal Hunka the planet on which Jabba resides. Once there we shall beam down to the surface and try to find the evil crime lord. Hopefully before it is too late!
Crew: Gasp!
Alex: What did I tell you about doing that!?!
On the Planet of Nal Hunka…..
Captain: So here we are!
Moe: Where?
Captain: Here you fool!
Alex: Something’s going on over there I think we should head that way! Looks like some sort of a race!
A small, ugly, flying creature approaches the crew. He has a small brat kid at his side.
Creature: You want to be in the race? Huh?
Captain: Not really no!
Kid: Please sir, if we win I can be set free and will no longer be a slave to these people!
Captain: Er…Nah!
Kid: But I can fly the pods real good! My last master Qui-Gone Gin, he thought I was really good, but then he became an alcoholic and lost all interest in me!
Captain: Sorry kid! We haven’t got time!
Creature: You want to watch the race then? Huh?
Captain: Sure, let’s go!
40 Minutes Later…
Alex: Will this stupid pod race ever end? We’ve been here for ages and they just go around and around!
Captain: Yeah, I’m kind of bored too!
B6B: Let’s get out of here!
Michelle: It’s a shame that kid died on the first lap…well not really nobody loved him although he could have probably gone on to be something big!
Captain: Yeah, so Jabba’s Palace! I think it’s over there!
The Captain points to a building with flashing lights on it and a massive sign on top that says Jabba’s Palace.
Alex: You think?
At the palace…
Captain: We’re here to see Jabba the Hunk!
Pig Creature: Sure come on in! The more the merrier!
Alex: Is this a brothel?
Pig Creature: Er…Yeah, whatever you want it to be!
The Pig Creature takes the crew into the main room of Jabba’s Palace. Jabba the Hunk sits at the head of the room. Various bizarre and rather stupid creatures surround the crime lord. Most of them puppets, and a few CGI ones we added for the Special Edition!
Captain: Jabba the Hunk we are the crew of the Starship Beaverprise! I do believe you have one of our crewmembers, Ed!
Jabba the Hunk: Arrrrr Schnik, dole txt mne bolk! A haaarrr ha!
Paul: What the hell did he say?
Captain: I dunno! Isn’t one of us a translator?
Alex: Er…I think that’s you!
Captain: It is? Since when?
B6B: Ever since Alex has been the Doctor!
Alex: I’m the Doctor?
Paul: Did no one else read the Crew Member information before we started our missions?
Alex: Ha! No, you loser! Why the hell would we read those?
Captain: Hey, it says here that you slept with the woman in charge of the mission!
Alex: What? Why the hell is that in there? I mean…No! That’s a lie! I bet R.O.B.E. changed those details…
Michelle: Er…Captain! What did Jabba the Hunk say?
Captain: He said that he thinks we’re all stupid and then he laughed at us!
John Doe 29: Bastard!
Jabba the Hutt presses a button next to where he sits and a trap door opens beneath John Doe 29’s feet. He falls into the pit below. A door opens in the pit and a hideous and very fierce Rancor appears.
John Doe 29: My God, noooooo! Help me!
Captain: Stab him with the stick! No not that one, the other…(groan)
The Rancor swallows John Doe 29 whole.
Captain: Oh well! Plenty more where that came from!
Alex: So Jabba! Where’s Ed?
Jabba the Hunk: Grakk snoll moor laqura tinuk!
Captain: Er…They’ve frozen him in Chocolate so that they can eat him later! And he’s over there!
In the corner of the room is Ed frozen in a block of chocolate, with a horrific look on his face.
Jabba the Hunk: Moowhahahahahaahahaaaa!
Paul: What’d he say that time?
Captain: Well…. Moowhahahahahaahahaaaa! To be precise!
Boba: Nothing you can do will save your friend now! Ha ha!
Paul: What did that guy say?
Captain: That was English you fool!
Alex: OK, so we need a plan right?
Baldrick: I have a plan, sir! A very cunning…
Alex: What? F*ck off!
Alex pushes Baldrick through the trap door and into the Rancor’s pit. Terrible screams are heard as the Rancor rips poor Baldrick to bits!
Alex: That guy said one line too many for my liking!
Captain: I’ve got it! It’s ingenious! Michelle put on this sexy and rather alluring bikini outfit.
Michelle: OK then!
A couple of minutes later Michelle returns wearing the bikini outfit.
Captain: Hubba hubba!
Alex: What’s that for?
Captain: Oh that’s not part of the plan, I just thought she’d look good in it!
Alex: So what is the plan?
Captain: Mr. Hunk I do believe we can make a fair trade for our friend frozen in chocolate!
Jabba the Hunk: Grrrrak snuggg raaaaaa nimer!
Boba: Nothing you can offer will make us give up Ed! For he killed my father, Jenga Muffett, creator of many popular board games! He brought hope and fun to the lives of millions! I must avenge his death or die trying!
Captain: Well how about this fine young lady in the rather attractive bikini outfit?
Jabba the Hunk: Woo!
Boba: Done! Just take the chocolate guy and go!
Michelle: What? What are you doing?
Captain: It’s ok we’ll come back to rescue you later!
Michelle: OK then! Don’t be too long though!
Alex: Well it depends how much more I can write really!
Paul: Or how long it takes us to eat Ed!
Michelle: What?
Alex: Oh Shut up!
Captains Log Star Date 6.5: We have returned to the ship. In rescuing Ed we lost John Doe 29, Baldrick and Michelle. But we will of course go back for her later. We are now heading to the swamps of Doggybar where we hope to find someone who can help us in destroying the evil Darth Wagner and her Beaverson clones. In the mean time I’ve been wondering what the hell has happened to our dear friend R.O.B.E. who was taken away by Obi-Young Kenobi earlier in our mission (if you can remember that far back!).
In Obi-Young Kenobi’s star cruiser:
R.O.B.E: So where the hell are we going?
Obi-Young: To the far away Planet of Tanzanine!
R.O.B.E: Oh cool! The one with all the cute little teddy bears?
Obi-Young: No, this one is inhabited by starving Ethopians!
R.O.B.E: So why the hell are we going?
Obi-Young: I’ll let WD-40 field that one.
WD-40: Beep! Beep! Wirrrrr! Beep! Wirrrr! Wirrrr! Beep! Ping!
R.O.B.E: To take money to build schools and improve their living conditions in ways that only we can?
Obi-Young: Yes!
R.O.B.E: What a load of bol….
The ship reaches Tanzanine and lands on the planet’s surface. As the three climb from the ship hundreds of starving people run towards them.
Ethiopian #1: You bring us food good sirs?
Obi-Young: No, sorry! We don’t have any food! We figured you’d rather have a better school so that your children could learn and then not become as stupid as you and come to this planet without any food!
Ethiopian #2: He has no food!
Ethiopian #1: We must kill him and his friends!
R.O.B.E: No don’t kill me. I’ve only just been born…so to speak!
Ethiopians: Gasp!
A misty cloud appears above the Ethiopians and Alex appears in it…
Alex: Stop that you freaks!
Ethiopians: Nooo! It is the devil himself!
Alex: Shut up!
The cloud disappears into nothing and the Ethiopians turn back to R.O.B.E.
Ethiopian #1: You are him! You are our God!
R.O.B.E: What are you talking about?
Obi-Young: They think you’re their God! It’s good! Just play along and they wont kill us!
Ethiopian #2: Come with us and will grace you with many riches, all of which we are too stupid to buy food with, but can shower you with instead as you are our God!
Ethiopian #3: Alternatively we could just sell you, as you’re made of gold! Wouldn’t that be a better idea?
Ethiopian #2: No you fool! We need to worship him!
Ethiopian #3: OK! All hail our almighty lord!
R.O.B.E: Well this certainly is a turn up for the books!
WD-40: Beep! Wirrrr! Click! Beep! Beep!
R.O.B.E: What’s that you say WD? The Sheriff is trapped down the old well? Gee whizz Skip, this is hardly the time nor the place to bring up such trivialities!
WD-40: Click! Whirrr! Beeep! Click! Click!
R.O.B.E: I should think so too!
Back on the Starship Beaverprise:
B6B: We’ve reached Doggybar, sir!
Captain: Where? Oh good, good! I shall beam down with Alex.
On the surface of Doggybar:
Alex: So what are we looking for?
Captain: Someone called Skoda! He’s an ancient warrior and can give us the information we need to destroy Darth Wagner!
Alex: So he lives in these swamps? Must be quite a loser!
A funny looking creature wearing a green fleece pops up from behind a rock.
Skoda: Not a great loser am I!
Alex: What? who the hell are you?
Skoda: But you are who? You are with Starship Beaverprise, hmmmmm?
Captain: Yes!
Skoda: Ahhhhh, the young Shoughwalker I see!
Captain: It’s Shough, just Shough!
Skoda: Shoughjustshough! Train with me to defeat Darth Wagner you must!
Alex: Why the hell can’t you talk properly?
Skoda: Talk properly I do, but for a creature such as I, I talk like this I must! Hmmmmm!
Alex: What? You’re not even real, you’re some kind of a puppet!
Alex picks up Skoda, revealing him to have no legs and a bloke sitting underneath him.
Skoda: Real am I! Real am I!
Alex: Yeah, whatever!
Alex throws the puppet across the swamp. It lands in a massive pool of bubbling liquid and disintegrates.
Captain: You killed him!
Alex: He was just a puppet sir! And who the hell are you?
Skoda: I’m the real Skoda! I like football and I talk far too much! You’ll probably find me rather annoying too!
Alex: What the hell were you doing with that puppet?
Skoda: Oh that! Just thought I’d have a bit of fun! Ahaha!
Captain: How can we defeat Darth Wagner?
Skoda: Pretty simple really, just take that weapon that Alex here picked up at Obi-Young Kenobi’s and strike her down with it. Once you’ve killed her the Beaverson clones should be quite simple to tackle. Could you leave just one for me to have though? That’s all I ask of you!
Alex: You sick twisted f….
Back on the ship:
Captain: Set co-ordinates for the Death Star!
B6B: Setting co-ordinates!
Captain: Jump to light speed!
Several moments later…
B6B: We’re here!
Captain: OK, listen up crew! I’m going to have to face Darth Wagner alone, thus ensuring that only I will receive credit when she is killed and none of you lousy bastards! In the mean time prepare to blow the Death Star out of the sky. It contains all of the Beaverson clones and this is the only way we can defeat them!
Alex: What if you’re still in there?
Captain: Then I’ll have to die too!
B6B: Beaming you aboard the Death Star, sir!
Aboard the Death Star:
Darth Wagner: Ahhhh! Justin Shoughwalker we meet again!
Captain: Yeah whatever! I’m here to kill you, or just to mildly injure you so that you can return to try and kill us all in a future episode!
Darth Wagner: Not only will you have to kill me and my clones, but also the Emperor of the Galactic Empire!
Emperor: Yes, you must defeat me too! I am Senator Palpatine or Darth Sidious or Chancellor Palpatine, I can’t remember! But you can call me Emperor Lesley! Mmph Mmph
Captain: Oh crap! Two twisted and rather insane maniacs working together to kill me! Dammit!
The Captain grabs the weapon from his belt and stabs Lesley with it!
Emperor: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can’t do this, I… I’m to beautiful to die
Captain: Shut up you’re dead now!
Darth Wagner: Now we must fight to the death or die trying!
Darth Wagner pulls a similar weapon from her belt and the two commence battle!
Meanwhile back on the Starship Beaverprise:
Alex: So who are we sending on this suicide mission to destroy the Death Star? You may not make it back alive!
Black Guy: Hey! I’ll do it man!
Alex: Who the hell are you?
Black Guy: I’m Orlando Calrissian Bloom! I’m here cos you aint got no black brothers in this show, man! And the television executives don’t like it! Samuel L Jackson was unavailable so I’m here man
Alex: Yeah, ok whatever! You can go and take John Doe 30 and 31 with you. You may need them!
Black Guy: Thanks brother!
Orlando Calrissian Bloom, John Doe 30 and John Doe 31 board the ship, which will travel into the core of the Death Star to destroy it once and for all!
Black Guy: I’m telling you man, I’m gonna come back alive! I’m gonna get through this sh*t!
Alex: See you in hell!
The ship leaves the Starship Beaverprise and heads towards the Death Star.
On the Death Star:
Captain: Why the hell wont you die dammit! I must kill you! I know that you killed my father!
Darth Wagner: What? Who told you this information?
Captain: Well actually I just made that up because it sounded good!
Darth Wagner: Justin! I am you father!
On the Planet of Tanzanine the Ethopians are watching on a big screen televison.
Ethopians: Gasp!
R.O.B.E: Hey what is this? Some sort of an American comedy?
Ethopian #1: We don’t know, it just comes on every week at about this time! I think it’s supposed to be funny or something!
Ethopian #2: Yeah, this is the series finale! And it certainly is going on for a long time!
Ethopian #3: Yeah, is it ever going to end?
Ethopian #4: Nope!
Back on the Death Star:
Captain: My God, nooooo! You twisted woman…er, man!
Darth Wagner: Moowhahahahahahaha! And you’ll never guess who your sister is!
Captain: No, not Michelle!!!!!!!!
Darth Wagner: No, that fool Paul! Haven’t you always wondered why he talks like a girl!
Captain: Christ! Now I’m definitely going to have to kill you!
The Captain takes one swipe with his lightsaber…I mean weapon and strikes Darth Wagner down.
Darth Wagner: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Captain: Yippee Ki-Ai! Motherfucker…oh wait you did actually fu…
Meanwhile on the Millennium Angel:
Black Guy: We’re almost there dudes! All we need is one shot and we turn this baby around.
John Doe 30: Simple!
John Doe 31: Ready to fire!
Black Guy: Put metal in their ass!
John Doe 31: Firing photon torpedoes!
As the Millennium Angel fires at the core of the Death Star the ship flies around and heads out of the opening it came in. The Death Star exploded behind them, as they fly out of it.
Black Guy: We did it man!
John Doe 30: And we’re still alive! It’s a miracle!
John Doe 31: Thank God!
Black Guy: This is one TV show where the black man doesn’t just pointlessly die!
As these words are said debry from the Death Star flies straight towards the Millennium Angel, hitting it and taking it right out of the sky.
Black Guy: Awww, sh*t man!
The Millennium Angel goes up in one almighty explosion killing Orlando Calrissian Bloom, John Doe 30 and John Doe 31.
Back on the Starship Beaverprise:
Alex: Woo! We did it! Luckily we didn’t lose any vital members of the crew!
Paul: What about the Captain, sir?
B6B: He made it! Just in the nick of time!
Paul: Dammit! I mean…Woo!
Captains Log Star Date 6.6: Having destroyed the Death Star, we have defeated Darth Wagner, Emperor Lesley and the Beaverson Clones once and for all! The celebrations ring throughout the ship and we have informed the World Beaver Federation of our victory. Ed is currently eating his way out of the thawing chocolate he was frozen in, and we are now on our way to rescue Michelle from the evil Jabba the Hunk. The startling discoveries I made during my time on the Death Star shall remain with me and me alone for all eternity…..
Meanwhile back on the Planet of Tanzanine:
Ethiopian #1: Wow what a great episode that was! I can’t believe Rosmary was his father!
Ethiopian #2: Yeah it almost topped the last one with the holodeck!
R.O.B.E: It was pretty good! I’m so going to have to find it on our TV back on the ship!
Captains Log Star Date 6.6 Continued: I just can’t help feel that we’ve forgotten someone….
R.O.B.E: I wonder where the ship’s got too? At this rate I’m going to have to set up my own farm on this measly planet to keep these Ethiopians alive! Mmm farm…
R.O.B.E. Does not have the power of the force and so your connection has been cut.
