Episode 13-The Previously Unknown Missions (Gasp!)
A Shough-Gilmour Feature Presentation
10,827 (ish) Words Of Pure Madness
Based On The Concept Created By Justin Shough, Developed By Justin Shough And Alex Gilmour
Written And Devised By: Justin Shough With Alex Gilmour

Logging Into R.O.B.E…Proud Sponsor Of Life Is Work

Captains Log Star Date 13.1: After everything that has happened in the past months I had allowed the crew and I a three week break, in this time I hope to re-evaluate our current status and mission progress and decide what actions to take in turn. Hopefully this will involve several humorous scenarios which will then of course will be written up and processed and then sent to the World Beaver Federation. I have used the past three weeks to up date our mission log’s that had yet to be completed due to time constraints among other things. The following mission’s take place between the time we left Earth for space and the tragic events of Mission 12 and beyond.

Mission 0.5-The Journey There

Written By: Justin Shough

Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star Date 0.5.1: We have just left Earth for what will be our new home for at least the next 3 years, I am sadly already confused as to what the hell the Star Date should be…but I am sure I will work it out within the next year. The crew mates and I have already started to miss Earth, except Rosemary who appears to believe we haven’t even left yet…I miss my mother and my dear friend Wellie, sadly my father is no longer with me despite what may be said during a future mission. My name is Matthew Beaverson in case you are confused. I am the captain of the Starship Beaverprise and will be for the foreseeable future. Hopefully my captaincy will not be short lived as I am enjoying myself. I finish writing this Log, the first ever log of the ship as I am about to attend a briefing session with my fellow crew members.

In The Observation Room…

Captain: Hello everybody, is everyone here?

Crew: Yep

Captain: Good, now as you know I have been made captain of this ship for several reasons the biggest reason being because of my far superior brain and skills and the fact that everybody else on the ship could never amount to a great captain like me, secondly because I am not arrogant and believe we are all equal contrary of what I just said.

Justin: You will get your comeuppance!

Captain: I doubt that very much.

R.O.B.E. Err actually you will, my fortune telling unit has predicted you will be one of two people to die within the boundaries of our first mission.

Paul: Two people?

Ed: That’s terrible!

Rosemary: Who the hell are you?

Alex: You fool, your not in it yet get the hell out of here! (Ed that is)

Ed (whoever he is) slowly walks into the distance disappearing back into the shadows from whence he came.

Justin: Does anybody want a drink?

Captain: Shut up! Oh and yes we do, a tea for everyone please

Rosemary: Could I possibly have a vodka?

Captain: Anyway my Beaver sense is tingling I believe we must continue with the plot despite that all of this has already happened, if we were to do something stupid now it could destroy the whole course of events of the next year and beyond.

Michelle: I agree

Captain: Good

John Doe: So what are our duties captain?

Captain: I am going to assign you all roles…

Rosemary: Role play again? Cant you wait till tonight!

Captain: Err...so your duties for the next week our;

Alex-You’re the ships head doctor and I want you to begin studying Yarnellian life from our resource books, this would be very helpful

Alex: Whatever…

Captain: Moe, you are to be the least important character of all, despite the fact you have the most important job. You are the ships flight destination coordinator, for the next week and beyond you are to man the controls and set our flight path for the nearby planet Yarnellia in the Yataki Nebula.

Michelle-You are to prance around naked and do as you please

Justin-you are to serve us with drinks, a vital member of the team…surely

Paul-you are the most experienced weapons engineer aboard the ship therefore you are in charge of defence/attack strategies, so if someone attacks us, you have authority to go to war with them if you deem necessary.

B6B-You are the ships engineer and as such are too maintain the ship in working order

And anyone else I forgot like John Doe and Jane Doe it doesn’t honestly matter what you do yet.

Later That Night…

The captain, Alex and John Doe are still awake, the others fell asleep several hours ago, Jane Doe Had Been Washing Down The Floor Of The Relaxation Room, the floor is still wet…

Captain: John Doe, come and sit down here

John Doe: Okay

Captain: Do you think its at all strange we are sitting in the relaxation room, I never even knew we had one!

John Doe: Must be for the purposes of the joke, don’t worry it always happens

Captain: I see, well I’m sure I will experience many more of those in future missions…

John Doe Gets Up To Walk Away And Slips On The Still Wet Floor…

Captain: Nooooo! You cannot die!!!!

The Captain Dives Underneath The Falling Body Of John Doe And Saves Him…

Captain: Thank God your still alive

John Doe: Thanks captain, isn’t it strange how already twice my life has been in danger, yet you have miraculously saved me.

Captain: Err yeah.

John Doe: I cant help but feel, my time is almost up

Captain: This reminds me of that film, final destination…where those people keep cheating death

John Doe: I haven’t seen it, what happens to them…

Captain: Erm…you probably don’t want to know.

Alex: Shut up! I’m trying to sleep, despite the fact I’m not in bed

Captains Log Star Date 0.5.2: Today I am to decide on what our primary mission is to be, I have been given two options. The first being to travel to a distant planet called Shoobiedoo where the Kong tribe live. The second being to travel to a nearby planet named Yarnellia. I have chosen the second option for two reasons, the first being before the great war against Earth began the Yarnellites had been are closest allies, also we are fortunate that the Yarnellites speak our language and there is no need for pointless translations.

Two Weeks Later…

Captains Log Star Date 0.5.3:We have spent the past two weeks travelling through the Yataki nebula, and Moe tells me we should arrive at the planet Yarnellia in the evening of two days time. I am now going to bed and will update again with another captains log tomorrow.



Mission 1.5-The “Mourning” After

Written By: Justin Shough

Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star Date 1.5.1: I start another day the same way most missions start, with a log. My name is Justin, and I am the new captain of the Starship Beaverprise. Our first mission (proper) was both a success and a failure. We successfully managed to convince Mr Yarnell and the Yarnellites to sign an agreement with Earth to keep peace. However we lost several of our comrades on that planet, both former captain Beaverson and Rosemary. They are missing, presumed dead. At 18.00hrs yesterday Rosemary and John Doe transported down to the planets surface. Around 20 minutes later we received a transmission from her, she informed us John Doe had died, his lover Paul was of course devastated but nobody else seemed to care. The next we heard from Rosemary was bad news again, John Doe 2 had died, apparently the Yarnellite’s thought he was a sacrifice to their God PM Heathcote, Rosemary also said that Mr Yarnell wanted to speak with the captain of the ship and Beaverson transported down immediately to talk with him. It was the last time we saw him…

Alex: Yeah thank God!

Paul: Yeah! Although I get the feeling some time in the near future they will appear again.

Moe: Yeah to create a plot for a story or a twist like Rosemary being related to one of us or something…

Captain: That would be terrible.

B6B-So is anything going to happen today?

Captain: What do you want? If you wanted a story with a great plot and lots of jokes you have come to the wrong place.

Paul: Yeah, this is just a lame attempt to string together a load of half-ideas into one episode.

Alex: Yeah it’s a load of crap, I think ill write the next episode…

Justin: No you fool! Look anyway I have some orders that Beaverson was supposed to issue to you today…well actually last week but I couldn’t be bothered to do It then, anyway, our next mission is to take place on a planet named Nether Moore.

Moe: What? There isn’t a planet called Nether Moore, you made that up!

Justin: Well frankly, yes I did.

Alex: So where are we going?

Michelle: I’m going to the tanning room…

Justin: Me too!

Paul: How could you cheat on Ed?

Michelle: Who?

Paul: Err nobody…

Justin: Look Mr Moe you are to set co-ordinates for Nether Moore

Moe: Yes of course sir.

Justin: Good

Moe: Sir, I’m looking at the radar and it shows that if we take the direct route to Nether Moore we are likely to travel directly through a asteroid field, or if we take the indirect route its likely the ship will be at risk from a Wormfeederhole

Justin: My God a black hole! Or an asteroid field? Well at the risk of ruining a future episode I think we should choose the indirect route Mr Moe.

Moe: Okay, just stop calling me that ok!

Justin: Never!

Computers Log Star Date 1.5.2:The fools have just decided to take the indirect route to Nether Moore, little do they know it will be the death of them all mwahahaha! I would warn them in advance but I have just discovered how to use the internet…anyway they don’t include me in many episodes as it is, bastards!

Doctors Log Star Date 1.5.3: The crew and I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that the previous “tea boy” is the new captain, surely R.O.B.E. should have chosen me to be the new captain…what with all my flower arranging skills, bastards!

Captains Log Star Dare 1.5.4: I sit at my desk now in fear, I fear that my crew members will abandon me and mutiny now looks inevitable. Why cant they understand that I have full right to be the captain, who the hell do they think they are? And as for R.O.B.E. what a freak! I pray they learn to accept me, those bastards!

In The Observation Room…

Moe: Sir there’s something on the radar!

Captain: What the hell is it?

Moe: Well its skin coloured, has four fingers, a thumb…wait a second, sorry its my hand

Captain: You idiot!

Moe: Wait, there’s something else!

Captain: Your other hand?

Moe: No, it looks like it’s a ship sir

Captain: My God, a ship!

Paul: They could be pirates!

Captain Talks Over The Intercom…

Intercom: Idiots of the Starship Beaverprise, listen up…there’s an unidentified ship on our radar and its closing in us, be ready for anything!

Alex: Sir, incoming message!

Justin: Okay open communications with them

Message: This is the captain of the Starship Neaverskise…

Captain: What? No! I’m the captain of the Starship Beaverprise!

Alex: No sir he said Neaverskise, an ironically similar sounding name

Message: My name is Jason, fear not we come in peace. However we want to board your ship we are running low on supplies, will this be okay?

Captain: No honestly it wouldn’t, but I am willing to let you, just this one time.

Message: Thank you, you truly are a king among men

Captain: Err was he coming on to me?

Paul: Yes sir, I have to say I am as jealous of him as I am of you

Captain: What? That doesn’t even make sense!

B6B: Sir their ship is now approaching our docking bay.

Captain: Allow them to proceed.

B6B: Yes sir.

Paul: They have successfully docked sir and our now boarding the ship

Captain: Who have? What? Nooo! Oh right, phew its okay…

The Crew Of The Starship Neaverskise Enter The Room…

Jason: Hello I’m the captain of the Starship Neaverskise

Captain: Greetings, I am Justin…captain of the Starship Beaverprise

Jason: My other crew members also join me;

Alexander our ships doctor
6B6 our ships engineer
Paulo our weapons expert
Michaela the beautiful model who’s here for no real reason,
Joe our ships flight path coordinator
And Jonathon Doe

Captain: Really? They all seem to be rather similar to my crew…

Alex my ships doctor
B6B my ships engineer
Paul my ships weapons expert
Michelle the doctor/model
Moe our flight path coordinator
And John Doe

Alex: This is strange, indeed

Alexander: Hmmm suspicious

Paul: My God they even talk like we do

Paulo: Who does?

Moe: Sir what if they are hostile, I say we kill them

Joe: Me too! Well not kill us, you

Captain: I don’t understand what’s going on?

Jason: What are you doing in deep space then?

Captain: No, What are you doing in deep space?

Jason: Well okay I will tell you, Earth as you may or may not know has been the centre of controversy and the main reason that the Galactic war started. In early 2000 a crew named Enterprise were sent into deep space to explore planets that had previously been too far away for space travel, however there mission came to a bloody end. There antics also upset many people in high places on powerful planets that in turn decided to pledge a war against Humans and Beavers alike, and swore that they would destroy Earth. Many, many years later another ship was designed by someone named Andrew Pool, and another crew was sent into space by the order of the WBF.

Paul: The World Boxing Federation?

Jason: Yes, I mean no…the World Beaver Federation

Captain: What’s your point?

Jason: You were supposed to contact the WBF when you completed mission one, of course you didn’t so everyone thought you had died. So they decided to put plan B into practise. We are plan B, they sent us into space to try and track you down to see if you were still alive and to check on your mission progress. Now we have finally found you and we can see that you are all fine.

Captain: Well except former captain Beaverson and someone called Rosemary

Jason: Are you sure Beaverson is dead?

Captain: Why do you ask?

Jason: When we recently arrived on the planet Yarnellia we found somebody matching his description, we tried to talk with him but he managed to get away before we had a chance to.

Captain: Just as well…I mean you fool! Why didn’t you capture him!

Jason: Anyway, as I was instructed by the WBF I am to give you this

Captain: What is it?

Jason: It’s a piece of paper with some writing on it!

Captain: Yes but for the purposes of the persons reading this…

Jason: Oh, oh right…it is just 6 future mission instructions in brief , they have only recently arisen due to more conflicts with Earth starting.

Captain: Very well, ill put them where I put the others

Jason: In your mission brief top secret folder?

Captain: Err, yeah right that!

Paul: So where are you to go now?

Jason: We will now head back to Earth and inform everybody that you are okay and your first mission was a success.

The crew of the Starship Neaverskise Leave The Ship…

On Board The Starship Neaverskise…

Jason: Thank God, they believed me! Little do they know we were meant to replace them and complete those missions ourselves, well at least they are alive…

Alexander: So we have to go back to Earth now?

Jason: Yes

Alexander: Bastards! I wanted to go on all those missions and have all the fun!

Jason: Me too! Crew do you agree we destroy their ship and take on their role of saving Earth ourselves?

Crew: Yes, lets do it!!

On Board The Starship Beaverprise…

Captain: What the hell is Paul doing?

Moe: My god! The fool has fell asleep at the weapons control unit!

Captain: Wake him up immediately!

Moe: Ahh let him rest, he looks so peacefull!

R.O.B.E.: Initiating attack on Starship Neaverskise…

Captain: Noooo! Paul what have you done?

Moe: Better wake him up!

Captain: Paul, PAUL!

Paul: What? I didn’t do it! Oh wait I did…

R.O.B.E.: Starship Neaverskise has been obliterated…

Captain: Oh well, better them than us. Good work Paul

Paulo: Thanks!

Captain: No I said Paul, and what the hell are you doing here?

Paulo: Err I don’t actually know.

Alex: Kill him

R.O.B.E.: And so Paulo Was Killed And The Starship Beaverprise Crew began life without Paulo, the end.

Episode 2.5 – The Starship Cheeserprise
Written By: Alex Gilmour
Original Idea By: Alex Gilmour

Chewing into R.O.B.E may cause electrocution….

Captain’s Log Star Date 26.1: After the heart wrenching events of the last day came to an end we are beginning to reassemble our equipment and make sense of the nonsense that we witnessed only hours ago!

B6B: Er….Captain, I think it all had something to do with that new writer!

Alex: New writer? What the hell are you talking about?

B6B: Who knows?

Paul: Anyone got any Brie?

Alex: Yeah, I put some out this morning. If there’s none on the shelf then we haven’t got any in at the moment. We should get some in on the delivery tomorrow morning though. Sorry about that!

Paul: What the hell are you squeaking on about?

B6B: Who knows?

Captain: What we do know is that this makes absolutely no sense, what-so-ever!

Alex: Indeed!

Moe: So does anyone know what happened yesterday?

Michelle: Nah, those humans aint talking!

Captain: Humans?

Alex: Yeah the ones that fly this heap of junk!

Captain: Oh right them! I was just wondering how the hell a female mouse could look so damn sexy!

Alex: Well you’ve seen Bianca in The Rescuers, haven’t you?

Captain: Actually I was thinking of the one in Rescue Rangers! Meow!

Paul: Oh my god! A cat! A cat! Nooooooo! We’re doomed!

B6B: Shut up you fool!

Captain: So who’s going to the supply room to get some cheese for us then?

John Doe: I’ll go, as it seems I’m the only man around here!

Alex: Er….There are no men around here, only mice! Well except for that one staring at us through our door!

Captain: Mice? Oh my god! O wait, no…Staring at us? Aaargghhhh!

Meanwhile…

Captain: Have you got rid of them damn mice yet, Paul?

Paul: Er, no, they kinda look familiar, but seeing as this is going nowhere and contributing to the already over long episode I guess I’ll just kill em all!

Captain: Good, now let’s get on with our mission! To boldly go where no mouse has been before!

R.O.B.E. has been caught. Never to chew through our biscuits again!


Mission 3.5-Return to The Prison (Descent Proposal)

Written By: Justin Shough

Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star Date 3.5.1: The year 3000, a time for loving, caring but most importantly of all…

R.O.B.E.: Swearing?

Moe: Killing?

B6B: Dying?

Captain: All of the above!

Captains Log Star Date 3.5.1 Continued: Well, the unappreciated episode 3 is in the past now, we can get on with our lives and finally forget about Queen Kayleigh and slave girl Watty…

Alex: Sir Queen Kayleigh is sending us a message!

Captain: Text? Or voicemail?

Alex: Well, neither!

B6B: Open communications

Queen Kayleigh: This is Queen Kayleigh, I am thankful for your deed you carried out for me 7 years ago.

Captain: 7 years ago? We did it the other day!

Queen kayleigh: Yes, but you went back in time 7 years didn’t you

Captain: That was irrelevant though wasn’t it?

Queen Kayleigh: It appears not, I must ask of you one last favour. I need you to go back to The Alkatraz Mary Rose but not in the past or future, I want you to go there now.

Captain: But wont it be exactly the same plot as last time?

Queen Kayleigh: Probably, but who are we to ask questions? I have reason to believe that Zip Finnigan’s father has in his possession the ring of enternity if I am correct and I think I am then this ring grants Zip or Grandolf life eternal, I must have it and you are the people that must get it for me. Using your most stealthy methods you must sneak back into the prison complex and find the ring and bring it back to me.

Captain: I’m beginning to think your not such a nice person after all

Queen Kayleigh: Think what you will, if you complete this task for me I will help you by spreading the word to neighbouring worlds of mine that Earth should be listened to and isn’t all bad.

Slave Girl Watty: Don’t listen to her she’s evil! Noooo!

End Of transmission

Paul: Who said that?

Captain: What?

Paul: Who said that?

Captain: What?

Paul: Who said that?

Several Poor Jokes Later…

Captain: So when are we going to The Alkatraz Mary Rose?

Alex: Now sir!

Captain: Alex your alive! I’m alive! This…is…a prequel! Ah crap.

Two Hours Later…

Moe: Sir, approaching a large Alkatraz Mary Rose shaped object

Captain: Good work Moe

On Board The Alkatraz Mary Rose…

Zip Finnigan: My God, someone is trying to park their car in my garage

Kif: That’s rather poor sexual innuendo sir

Zip Finnigan: Their ship has forced its way through our protective shield

Kif: Oh dear

Zip Finnigan: Quick Kif, their coming their coming!

Kif: What shall we do?

Zip Finnigan: There’s only one thing we can do, pull out before they reach us

Kif: Were doomed!

Zip Finnigan: Yes we are, and there’s no amount of sexual innuendo that will save us now

The Crew Enter The Room…

Captain: Well hello there Zip, I don’t mean to intrude on you and your green friend who having been living on a prison all alone for the past 15 years far away from any other human contact you sick, sick man.

Zip Finnigan: What are you trying to say?

Alex: Basically we ran out of good ideas and decided to bring you back in it

Zip Finnigan: Buts its only been a few days…I mean years!

Paul: Your times up Zippy!

Zippy: What did I do?

Zip Finnigan: Drop the charade, what do you want?

Captain: Well no you mention it yes I do want to play charades

After Playing Charades…

Zip Finnigan: So what do you want, really?

B6B: The Golden Ring Of Eternity

Kif: Gasp!

Zip Finnigan: Pah! You mere mortals, why do you want it?

Alex: Its not for us, its for Queen Kayleigh

Zip Finnigan: Well that really doesn’t change a thing, but I will give you it if I can spend one night with…

Paul: Me?

Captain: Paul?

Zip Finnigan: Michelle!

Kif: Oh my.

Michelle: ill do it, for the good of the world

Alex: Even if you didn’t want to do it you still would have had to!

Michelle: Be quiet boy

In Zips Room Later On…

Zip: Well Michelle, our time has finally come

Michelle: I don’t feel right about this, what about poor Ed

Zip: yeah but he hasnt even been created yet, so he never has to know!

R.O.B.E.: Traitor Ed is Not, Begun This Legal War Has…

Yoda: Rip off star wars you do, kill you i shall...

Zip: So do I really have to pay you a million pounds for tonight?

Michelle: No I just want the ring, Zip can I ask…after seeing you seven years ago and now today you haven’t aged at all.

Zip: It’s the eternal ring you fool! I haven’t aged a day! I told Alex that it wasn’t irrelevant that the crew came here seven years ago! Now let us make love like it’s the summer of love!

7 Seconds Later…

Zip: Well that lasted longer than I imagined it to!

Michelle: Er yeah

Zip: Here, have this worthless ring, and never come here again… although I need a lift to the recording studio for episode 12 and episode 18.

Michelle: Shut up your destroying the hard hitting reality of it for everyone.

R.O.B.E.:And So The Crew Left The Alkatraz Mary Rose And Headed Somewhere Else, They Later Returned The Ring Safely To Queen Kayleigh And All Was Well, Until Next Time On Starship Beaverprise!

Grim Reaper: Dam eternal ring, those death cheating bastards!


Mission 4.5-Nostradamus
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Once Upon A Time There Was A Ship Called The Starship Beaverprise…


Captains Log Star Date 4.5.1: What was I thinking when I sent Alex the details of episode 4? Why did me and him almost completely destroy the series? Why was it the shortest episode of all time? Why am I bringing it up again in this log and drawing even more attention to it? I don’t know.

Alex: I still haven’t got over the death of the beloved captain

Captain: I’m not dead!

Alex: Not you!

B6B: Who Beaverson? I thought you hated him?

Alex: No the captain on star trek

Moe: I thought Spock brought him back to life?

Alex: He did? That’s wonderful!

Michelle: In order to prevent this from being as bad as episode 4 I’m now going to strip naked and walk around for a while.

Paul: But nobody can actually see you!

Michelle: I’m sure they can just use their imagination!

Captain: Moe set coordinates for the planet Tella6, we have a “package” to deliver to someone down on the planet

Ed: A package?

R.O.B.E.: Drugs?

Captain: No! well it might be I don’t know, I have just been instructed to deliver this package to this planet on this exact date

Alex: Seems a little coincidental, you never mentioned anything about it before now

Captain: Shut up, you will ruin it!

On The Planet Tella6…

Paul: What happened?

Alex: We arrived here rather quickly, hmmm interesting.

Moments Later…

Captain: Well the package has been delivered, and along the way we met a fortune teller she told us we would all die, and we all agreed we would seen as everyone has to die someday. Lots of other wonderful things happened on planet Tella6 but will probably never be told even though the whole point of this episode is to do just that.

R.O.B.E.: And so the captain rambled on for several more hours, nobody listened to him and they all lived happily ever after.

Mission 5.5-VR Training/ “The Thing”
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star Date 5.5.1: It appears that our legendary ship has a holodeck, rather convenient I must say. R.O.B.E. was going to force us to take part in several more holodeck missions, but we actually want to take part in them so in exactly 1 hour me, Alex, B6B, Paul and new boy Ed will be taking part in the our second training course on the holdeck. Michelle and the others are to stay in the observation room to keep an eye out for any foes that we may encounter during the time we are in the holodeck, not that we will of course!

1 Hour later…

In The Holodeck

Captain: So what’s this all about then?

Ed: Well R.O.B.E. said it was a simulation of that film “THE THING” although its probably nothing like that

Alex: Yeah what does R.O.B.E. know?

B6B: Well, he did design it!

Captain: Oh he did, did he? Why does it say “copyright Microsoft 2098” on it?

Ed: Ask Bill Gates

Captain: Nah, I’m sure he is busy making money or something

Bill Gates: That isn’t funny

Paul: True but he probably is!

Bill Gates: what?

Captain: Okay, so to explain to the reader what the plot is if they haven’t seen the film, basically one or two of us are some sort of alien creatures that will kill us all and we just have to work out which of us are Things!

Paul: How do we work out that then?

Ed: Lets just kill everyone and be done with it

Alex: Yes lets!

Captain: No, we must take this seriously!

Alex: You sound like a Thing to me you alien scum!

Captain: what? First you accused me of being the prince of peanuts, now this? For-shame!

Paul: You were you idiot

B6B: Don’t make us laugh, you’re the idiot! Remember? You’re the idiot, Alex is the water boy, Justin is the captain, Ed isn’t even real, and the others…well you know the rest!

Ed: So, anyway…the plot anyone?

Captain: Oh right, well I for some reason have a blood test kit in my hands so let us see if John Doe?? Is a thing, this should be highly amusing!

Paul: You mean arousing?

Captain: Err, no amusing you freak!

Alex (despite his fear of needles) injects John Doe ?? with a serum and carries out a blood test…

John Doe ?? Explodes into several large chunks of flesh…

Alex: Err…does that mean he was evil or he wasn’t?

Ed: Who knows, I for one don’t really care!

B6B: So which one of you freaks is the thing then?

Captain: Me

B6B: Oh, ok…

The Captain Trans-mutates into a hideous creature…

Ed: My God its horrible, its grotesque…and that’s just Paul!

R.O.B.E. And so another VR mission had been failed, but at least nobody died, well except John Doe ?? and john Doe ?? Who died of unknown causes, and that is sadly the end of another poor part to this episode.

Alex: What? It’s the end already?

Moe: Yeah where the hell was the plot?

Captain: Yeah I want some answers, I’m not happy with this situation

Michelle: Nobody is!

Alex: What?

Captain: Okay lets just start from the beginning with great new ideas and brilliant jokes, R.O.B.E. you can start us off!

R.O.B.E. Has Severed The Link, Disconnected From Server…


Mission 6.5-Him, R.O.B.E. And The Ethiopians On Planet Tanzanine
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Personal Log-R.O.B.E. Star Date 6.5.1: What have they done to me? They have left me here to rust, its just me and my gold plated outfit now. I guess ill never see any of the others again…Woohoo!

Later That Day…

R.O.B.E.: I have finally finished building my farm, and now I will reap the benefits of being an arable farmer…more money from the government, plenty of food…

Ethiopian: What’s a government?

Ethiopian 2: What’s food?

R.O.B.E.: Noooo! Well lucky my farm caters for other things…

Ethiopian 3: So it’s a sex farm?

R.O.B.E.: Yeah, like the one I used to work on

Ethiopian: What?

R.O.B.E: Oh yes, I used to partake in all sorts of sexually oriented acts, like harvesting!

Ethiopian 2: Sounds like fun!

Ethiopian 3: But surely sex cannot help keep us alive? We need food Mr R.O.B.E.

R.O.B.E.: And food you shall have my darlings, for I am to go on a great adventure and battle trolls goblins and a dragon and will come back with great riches and the one ring to rule them all!

Ethiopian: But what about the food?

R.O.B.E.: I shall be a king among men, now I must go and begin my great adventure and then get JRR Tolkien to write about it and eventually turn it into an epic motion picture!

The Ethiopians Walk Off…

R.O.B.E.: Wait! Come back! I’m scared I don’t like being all alone! I feel like that kid from that movie who gets left at home at Christmas! What’s that film called? Kid in the empty house?

R.O.B.E. Is all alone, night falls…

R.O.B.E. is awoken by a troll…

R.O.B.E.: Don’t hurt me! I don’t want to die!

Troll: What? I was only going to steal your wallet

R.O.B.E.: Oh that’s okay then. Wait a minute…what?

Troll: Whatever

R.O.B.E.: Wait! Maybe you can help me!

Troll: How?

R.O.B.E.: I have to find some food, for my Ethiopian friends

Troll: Nah sorry, I don’t do help

R.O.B.E.: But you have too!

Troll: Why?

R.O.B.E.: If you don’t it could destroy a 1000 possibilities in the future

Troll: The future? Well okay, but only because you said please

R.O.B.E.: No I didn’t

Troll: Hurry, we must go!

R.O.B.E.: Where?

Troll: What do you mean where you idiot!

R.O.B.E.: Oh right. I, understand…

Troll: Do you?

R.O.B.E.: Well, no.

R.O.B.E. And His New/Only Friend Begin On Their Great Journey…

R.O.B.E.: Well this episode has so far been a mixed bag of delights one might say

Troll: What?

R.O.B.E.: Well its gone from being a drama, a sci-fi, a comedy, a Hollywood blockbuster…an episode of Knight Rider

Troll: No it hasn’t!

Kit: Yeah what are you talking about David?

R.O.B.E.: What David? Nooooo!

Later On… (The troll and R.O.B.E. find a cave to rest in they go inside and find a large stash of food…)

Troll: Food glorious food!

R.O.B.E.: We have stumbled upon some sort of a cave full of food

Troll: Err yeah.

R.O.B.E.: Be careful there may be pirates nearby

Troll: Pah pirates are merely mythical beings that fools believe in

R.O.B.E.: Yeah I guess your right, you are a troll after all.

Troll: That’s right.

R.O.B.E.: So, shall we steal the food?

Troll: How could you? That would be like stealing

R.O.B.E.: What’s your point?

Troll: Nothing, lets go!

Something rustles outside the cave, someone walks in…

Troll: It’s the pirates, run!

R.O.B.E.: You said they didn’t exist you fool!

Beaverson: What the hell are you doing in my cave?

Troll: I don’t see your name on it!

Beaverson: Its right there!

Troll: Oh ok lets go R.O.B.E.

Beaverson: R.O.B.E.? is that you?

R.O.B.E.: No, leave me alone cave boy!

Beaverson: Its me! Beaverson your beloved previous captain!

R.O.B.E.: What? I thought you were dead, all of you!

Beaverson: All of me?

R.O.B.E.: The clones Rosemary made!

Beaverson: My God what has she done?

R.O.B.E.: That doesn’t matter, what matters is that your alive where have you been?

Beaverson: Well, as you know about a year ago me and Rosemary were on planet Yarnellia, negotiations with Yarnell their leader didn’t go as planned. We were sentenced to first give birth to children for the leader to teach or torture or something and then to…death. I began working with Rosemary when we could on cloning my self, Rosemary then helped me escape. I don’t know what happened to her but I think my clone was killed she then must have cloned the clone 1000s of times to create some sort of an army. I managed to survive on Yarnellia for a month before stowing aboard a cargo ship bound for this planet. And this is where I have been since. Biding my time until an opportunity of getting back safely aboard the Starship Beaverprise came.

Troll: And what’s that in your pocket?

Beaverson: What? You freak! Its my lucky potato oh and my trolley belt.

R.O.B.E.: What’s it for?

Beaverson: Pushing trolleys!

Troll: What are trolleys?

Beaverson: what? No! I cant believe I live in a world without trolleys!

Beaverson Runs Off Into The Distance Screaming…

Troll: Oh trolleys, I thought you said something else!

R.O.B.E.: Wait! Come back!

Beaverson Was Never Seen Again On Tanzanine And May Never Be Seen Ever Again…

Ethiopian: By the way the film was called home alone you freaks!

Mission 7.5-Hell Is Other R.O.B.E.S
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star Date 7.5.1: At the time of writing this, me and the crew have recently been and come back from the friendly planet Blurg9, a planet so similar to Earth it practically is Earth. On this recent trip we had to repair the ship and stock up on supplies for the continuing journeys ahead. The most recent near tragic event happened two weeks ago, something sinister managed to find its way into the ventilation shafts, we of course sent Paul in and they fought each other to the death. Paul some how managed to live through it though, shame. The crew mates and I are still getting over the shock of loosing the lives of the dammed Oompa Loompa’s that we had mistakenly forgot to unpack, however the WBF have vowed to one day send us two replacement Oompa Loompa’s, hopefully today or there wont be very much to talk about…

B6B: Incoming transmission Sir

Captain: Okay, open communications!

ilink: Hello, my name is Robin Jones. I come in peace. I wonder if I could possibly board your ship I must speak with you urgently on several matters.

Alex: Such as?

iLink: I have recently travelled from the WBF headquarters, and I have two Oopma Loompa’s for you to look after. Also I have several upgrades that the WBF have said are necessary to be upgraded onto your ship.

Captain: I understand little of what you say, but yes for the good of this plot please come a board now.

Robin Jones Boards The Ship…

Robin Jones: Hi mate

Alex: Greetings

Captain: You brought the shipment of Grunka Lunkas?

Robin Jones: You mean the Oompa Loompas? Yes I have, ill have my assistant Robeatron5000 escort them to their rooms immediately

Paul: Rooms? Don’t you mean their cages?

Captain: Anyway! What is so important that it had to happen right now?

Robin Jones: Well as you know my company specialises in creating computer databases for aircraft and spacecraft

Captain: Do you?

Robin Jones: Yes, I was the first human to rival the multi-trillion owner of Microsoft

Alex: I see

Robin Jones: you for some stupid reason have been fitted with R.O.B.E…

R.O.B.E.: Hello!

Robin Jones: The most stupid, slow faulty computer I ever made and is the last of its kind! I’m here to replace him with the brand new Robust R.O.B.E.7.8i

R.O.B.E.: No please don’t, all I have is this ship and this people and my cows!

Ed: R.O.B.E. is the last of his kind? He is an antique?

Robin Jones: Quite, in fact he is worth a lot of money to certain computer poachers, he could easily fetch a million pounds on the black market

Captain: Oh he could, could he?

Alex: Captain are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Captain: Yes, lets buy a cottage in Devon together and start a family

Alex: No sir, if we keep the old R.O.B.E. instead of having a new one we could sell him when we get back to Earth.

Captain: Then it is decided, I am sorry Mr Jones but we decline the WBF’S offer of a new computer data manager

Robin Jones: You bastards, you just couldn’t let me have him could you? I could have been a millionaire but I have to settle on having two lead roles in a science fiction fantasy

Paul: Lead roles? Yeah right, even I didn’t get one of those and I’m Paul, the boy you love to love,

Captains Log Star Date 7.5.1: After realising that he only had a small part in what has become the most talked about thing of the hour Robin Jones left our ship to pursue a life in agriculture.

R.O.B.E.: So Ed, I notice I’ve had quite a large part in today’s story?

Ed: Yeah whatever

R.O.B.E.: What? I have you bastard

Ed: They just couldn’t think of anything else to write about you fool!

R.O.B.E.: Well it doesn’t matter, anyway your leaving next week aren’t you?

Ed: No

R.O.B.E.: Yeah, your going to Uni!

Ed: No I’m not!

R.O.B.E.: What! Those bastards lied, well now you must be destroyed so that me and Michelle can finally live out our destinies and become the only Robo lovers in the universe, and then the circle of life will be complete, Mwahahaha!


R.O.B.E. Has Lost Power, Shutting Down…


Mission 8.5-Explanations! (Finally)
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Alex: Incoming Transmission Sir!

Captain: Shouldn’t we start with a captain’s log?

Alex: Yeah whatever

Captains Log Star Date 8.5.1: I have just received some terrible news from someone calling themselves Guado, he informed us that there had been a spy working aboard this ship with the intent of sabotaging our mission, how could this have happened? And can the person writing this even figure out why it happened other than the poor excuse of it just being part of the plot. Let us somehow find out the truth by taking the incoming transmission!

Transmission: This is Gedo here, the new leader of the Guadilians. Guado was killed. I am now going to board your ship and tell you why this all happened, I would come aboard to destroy you all but apparently that cant happen now…

Gedo Boards The Ship…

Gedo: Greetings my friends!

Paul: Friends? Didn’t you want us all killed?

Gedo: No, in fact our mission to spy on you is only the tip of the iceberg.

Michelle: What does that mean?

Gedo: It means that there is more than person trying to destroy your mission and kill you all, I and the other Guadilians have been working for the Stephenson’s.

Alex: The Stevenson’s? Who are they?

Gedo: They are an organisation that has been set up by a brake away group previously involved with the Russian mafia. They have been working together with Earths most powerful enemies to try and completely finish the Earth for good. When they discovered that the Earths highest Councillors and the WBF were planning this make or break mission to help save Earth, they decided they needed to put a stop to it. Our people have no personal vendetta against you or Earth, we were just instructed to make it possible for a spy to board your ship and go under-cover as an employee of yours. This I have been informed failed, the spy was Ali one of the Stephenson’s best agents, he was to pose as the captain under the guise of Matthew Beaverson, however the real Beaverson was not killed as attended and boarded the ship and the spy was unable to carry out the mission. After this failing we were forced by the Stephenson’s to send two Alien Bounty Hunters back in time to try and force your mission to an untimely end. This somehow failed again, we then received a transmission from the Stephenson’s saying they would not pay us as we had not completed the missions and that was the last we heard from them. They have made an enemy in us, and may I wish you the greatest success with your future missions, you must be truly be blessed as God must be looking down upon you now, and keeping you safe.

Captain: Well, thanks! That explains everything, you could have made it more humorous though or something, well I guess you made all that crap about God, that was pretty funny!


Gedo: Exactly! Anyway I must leave now and attend to other matters far less important than this!

Captains Log Star Date 8.5.2: Well this small segment that has been allotted in this space in time has merely served as a brief explanation of events that have happened to us, I’m sure that most of you reading this has skipped ahead to the next segment but for you die-hard fans of the show like Muffet I’m sure this is heaven! Now let us rejoice as the bells ring out for Christmas!

Alex: Ho, Ho, Ho!

Ho: What?

….

Episode 9.5 – Muffett and E.D.’s Excellent Adventure
Written By: Alex Gilmour
Original Idea By: Justin Shough

Logging into E.D. Boba Muffett’s Personal Computer System…

Boba Muffett’s Log Star Date 10.2: So the crew of the Starship Beaverprise have dismissed me as no more than a supporting character, in which case I have decided to continue on my mission to Mars alone, in search of the lost Bounty chocolate bars! (Wow, I never thought I’d keep that joke running for so long!) Anyway, without Ed or B6B I shall have to just talk to myself or any inhabitants I may find on this strange and twisted planet they call: THE DEAD PLANET!

E.D: Er….That’s the RED PLANET, sir!

Boba: Oh well, whatever!

E.D: We’ve landed on Mars sir! And there appears to be life on it too!

Boba: Cool! David Bowie was right!

Computer: Opening hatch!

Boba: Waheey! Let’s go!

E.D: Sir, I cannot leave the ship, I’m a computer!

Boba: Fine, I’ll go alone!

Martian: So has anyone noticed that this is already a hundred times better than that crap with the mice? I mean, did anyone even understand that?

Boba; Oh my god! A hideous creature!

Martian: Hideous: Yes! Creature: Yes! God: No, sorry!

Boba: Don’t kill me!

Martian: Why would I?

Boba: I dunno, I’m here to steal the lost Bounty chocolate bars! I figured you’d want to vaporise me with your ray gun or something!

Martian: Oh no! We hate that coconut taste! Here, you can take them!

Boba: What? That’s it? Aren’t you gonna send me on some quest to find them and destroy them in the mountains they were created?

Martian: What the hell are you on? They were made in a factory, with coconuts from some tropical island and chocolate from some old Easter Eggs! There were no mountains you fool!

Boba: Well at least hide them so I can look for them!

Marvin the Martian: This is making me very angry! Just take the damn chocolate and get out of here! We’ve already got enough trouble here, what with Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and those Rigilions who want my Super ACME Ray Gun!

Kodos: Give it to us puny Earthling!

Kang: Earthling? This is Mars you fool!

Kodos: Whatever! They both shall be destroyed! Mooowahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Kang: Mooowhahahahahahahahahahahaa!

Daffy Duck: This is despicable treatment of such a fine work of art!

Bugs Bunny: Hey, what’s up doc?

Boba: What the hell is this? You freaks shut up!

Mysteron: This is the voice of the Mysterons! We know that you can here us, strange man! This week we shall be mostly be destroying Captain Scarlet and the other puny earthmen!

Captain Black: It does not matter that he is indestructible, we shall continue to blast him to pieces each week!

Boba: So are you gonna kill me? I’m stealing this god damn chocolate!

Captain Black: Nah, that does not concern us!

Boba: You bastards!

Bugs Bunny: Hey watch the language doc! This is a kiddies cartoon! Not some sleazy sci-fi show!

Boba: Cartoon? What the hell?

Martian: Look buddy, are you gonna take the chocolate or not?

Boba: Yeah, but I was hoping this would be exciting in some way! This is just stupid! Next you’re gonna tell me you’ve got E.T. up here with you!

E.T: E.T. phone…aggghhhhh!

Marvin the Martian shoots him and pushes him out of view.

Boba: Well thanks for the chocolate! See you in hell!

Martian: See you soon!

Marvin the Martian: Bye Bye!

Boba: You could at least chase me as I fly off!

Martian: Nah, what’s the point?!

Boba: Fine!

Boba returns to his ship.

E.D: Engaging warp engines.

Boba: Let’s get out of this dump! That was just the worst adventure ever! In fact if it had been written by anyone else it would have been a bore! Now let’s intercept the Beaverprise and try and bribe them with tales of my fantastic adventures on Mars!

Logging out of E.D. Let us never access these files again!

Mission 10.5-The One With The Award Ceremony
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star date 10.5.1: So it has begun, we have spent the past few hours travelling towards the WBF headquarters (a place which will no doubt be featured more in times to come) we have been invited to the annual WBF award ceremony, we attended last year but failed to win even 1 award. However the prospects this time are surely much better.

Alex: Hurry up sir we will be late

Captain: Very well Alex, everyone get your things together and get R.O.B.E.S robot outfit and upload him onto it.

Moe: Docking with WBF headquarters

Aboard The WBF…

Ed: Why has everyone else got seats apart from us?

Captain: Bastards!

R.O.B.E.: Maybe we have won every award tonight and therefore wont even need to sit down

Paul: Yeah that’s likely isn’t it!

Alex: Lay down R.O.B.E. and everyone can sit on you, quick everyone over power him!

R.O.B.E.: Noooo!

Johnathon Ross: Hello I’m Johnathon Woss and I’m here to preswent the annual WBF awards for outstanding stuff in all areas. And here to preswent the first award is the intergalactic super hero Zip Finnigan!

Zip Finnigan: I’d just like to say hello to Michelle, well and everyone else. The First award is “The Biggest Contribution To Nothing” and the nominations are;

Paul.

Zip Finnigan: And the winner is…Paul! Come up here and claim your prize (a trophy with nothing in it)!

Paul: Wow I cant believe it, I’m so honoured. My dad told me this day would never come but ive proved him wrong, I should have killed him when I had the chance the evil…

Jonathon Ross: Err thank you Paul and now to present the next two awards it’s the king of death himself…the Grim Reaper!

Grim Reaper: Hello everyone, I notice none of you have taken any of the rat poison I put out on the tables yet, well the night is still young I guess. The next award is for “ Best Death Ever” and the nominations are;

John Doe for being sucked up into the Starship Beaverprise’s waste disposal pump and exploding in space

Jane Doe for being shot in the head by Alex for no real reason

Grim Reaper: And the winner is, John Doe for being sucked up into Starship Beaverprise’s waste!

John Doe: wow I cant believe this, id just like to thank my mum and dad for all their support and for getting me where I am today, thank you!

Grim Reaper: The next award is for “the most deaths in a year” and the nominations are;

John Doe for more deaths than is even possible to count

Jane Doe for most female deaths in a year ever

Grim Reaper: And the winner is John Doe! For more deaths than anyone except Muffet dared to count!

John Doe: Wow this is unbelievable I cant believe my err luck. I’d just like to thank all my family and friends that helped kill me so many times, thanks!

Johnathon Ross: the next award is presented by the winner of America’s man of the year (last year) Osma Bin Laden!

Osma Bin Laden: Thank you for your support, the next award is for “the most controversial line in an episode ever” and the nominations are;

Moe for “Do You Want Any Cupcakes?” in the yet to premier Episode 12 and “Have you got any steroids?” in the forthcoming episode 11

R.O.B.E. for “Insert Plot Here” also in Episode 12 (yet to premier)

Alex for “Its all Stolen Isn’t it?” in episode 10

Paul for “Guards Lock Her Up” in episode 8

And Rosemary for “I love a Man With Power” also in episode 8

Osma Bin Laden: And the winner is of course…Moe for “Do you want any cupcakes?” in the forthcoming episode 12

Moe: Thank you, this award is a real tribute to the greater good and basically shows how great I am.

Alex: Yet to premier episode 11 and 12? What? Doesn’t that mean were dead then

Johnathon Ross: Be quiet you will run it! And now to present all of the other awards because we couldn’t find anyone else, and the fact the joke about my speech impediment has run its course here is Wellie The Dog!

Wellie: Hello once again, I’m pleased to present this next award which is for “The biggest idiot ever” The nominations are;

Paul for season one and two of Starship Beaverprise

And

Paulo for season one and two of Starship Neaverskise

Wellie: Well the winner is…in fact no it’s a tie! Both Paul and Paulo are joint winners, however Paulo is sadly dead so Paul come up and claim your prize!

Paul: What? You freaks how dare you brand me an idiot! I ought to kill you all!

Wellie: Thank you Paul! Now the next award is for the converted “Most Beautiful Man and Woman” The nominations for the most beautiful man are;

Alex The Doctor on the Starship Beaverprise
Justin The captain on the Starship Beaverprise
Zip Finnigan The super hero
Ed The hologram on the Starship Beaverprise
And R.O.B.E. and his homosexual looking gold plated outfit on the Starship Beaverprise

And the winner is…R.O.B.E.!

R.O.B.E.: You freaks get off me, I need to make my speech

Michelle: But we need a seat!

R.O.B.E. Throws the crew off him and goes up the stand…

R.O.B.E.: Well I have to admit that outfit was something special id just like to thank everyone who voted for me!

Wellie: And the nominations for the most beautiful female are;

Michelle

Jane Doe

And R.O.B.E.

And the winner is R.O.B.E.!

Crowd: Boo!

R.O.B.E.: Well thank you again, I can tell you all love me and that even though I did bribe the judges this year this award is deservedly mine!

Wellie: The next award is for the computer personality of the year, but it so obviously is going to R.O.B.E. I shall skip that one…

R.O.B.E.: Bastard!

The second to last award tonight is for the couple of the year and the nominations are;

Michelle and Ed on the Starship Beaverprise

And Paul and R.O.B.E.

And the winner is Paul and R.O.B.E. give the happy couple some support and clap your hands!

R.O.B.E.: What? I never agreed to this! I didn’t buy this award!

Paul: No, I did!

R.O.B.E.: Nooooooooooooo! This will haunt me forever

Wellie: And now to the final award tonight, it is also the most prestigious, this award is for the “Legendary Crew Of The Year” and the nominations are;

The Starship Beaverprise

The Starship Neaverskise

And The Starship Enterprise

And the winners are…

Captain: Come on baby yeah!

Wellie: The Starship Neaverskise! However I’m hearing they sadly died sometime late last year so by default The Starship Beaverprise crew win!

Captain: Woohoo!

Alex: We did it!

Captain: Thanks to everyone that made this possible, firstly myself and Alex obviously, the tragic death of the Starship Neaverskise crew as well hopefully the WBF will work out why they died. Anyway it has been a fantastic time during the last two years and I’m looking forward to a long future with this great crew of people.

Wellie: And that’s it folks for tonight please join us next year which will probably be even better than tonight, and now let me end by saying get the hell out of here by 10pm or you will be destroyed!

Ed: Quick Run!

Back On Board The Starship Beaverprise…

B6B: Well that was pretty poor

R.O.B.E.: Your only saying that because you didn’t win anything!

Andrew: Yeah!

Captain: Who are you?

Andrew: Andrew, the new recruit I think. Sorry I didn’t have a chance to learn my lines.

Alex: That’s okay, we never do either!

Paul: Andrew how was your journey here?

Andrew: Okay I guess, I was asleep most of the way, speaking of which where can I find my room. I’m tired

Paul: Right this way!

Captains Log Star date 10.5.2: That’s it till next time everybody, I hope you enjoyed it as much as we all obviously didn’t.

Alex: That’s poor.

Mission 11.5-Working Title
Written By: Nobody
Original Idea: There were no original ideas

We had an idea for this, but it was far to complicated for your human brains to handle, so may i suguest you skip straight to the last part of this monumental episode that didnt need to be any longer than it already was.

Mission 12.5-The End/He Arrives
Written By: Justin Shough
Original Idea: Justin Shough

Captains Log Star Date 12.5.1:This Is my first post as captain.

Paul: don’t lie!

Captain: What? Its me Ed!

Paul: Oh, but it still isn’t your first post you fool!

Ed: Oh yeah, well its my first post today!

Paul: Whatever

Captains Log Star Date 12.5.1 Continued: As I was saying, this is my first post…er today as captain of the Starship Beaverprise, I am Ed, I am about to embark on a fantastic journey that will hopefully last forever but probably wont. Alex and Justin are still lost, out of reach. However the WBF are kindly sending another new recruit for us today, his name is Robert and is the replacement for Rosemary. He like her is an escaped mental patient or a psychiatrist or something. I still haven’t figured what the hell my job is as captain, I don’t even know what this control panel does. Better try it just to see…

R.O.B.E.: Self Destruct Sequence Initiated…

Captain: Noooo! B6B, Paul somebody stop it!!

B6B: Yeah whatever

R.O.B.E.: Self Destruct in 5 seconds…

4
3
2
1

R.O.B.E.: Bang

Captain: What the hell? The ship didn’t blow up! Thank god were saved!

R.O.B.E.: Didn’t you know? The fool that designed this ship cut loads of corners! Why else do you think you have spent the last two years sleeping in a communal bed!

Captain: My God, if I were ever to get my hands on the bastard that designed the ship id kill him!

R.O.B.E.: He is asleep in the room next to yours you idiot!

Captain: What’s happened? Why have I become stupid all of a sudden? Is this just a stereotype of a captain or what? Why does the captain have to be an idiot? Somebody tell me!

Michelle: So what are we going to do today?

Captain: I was thinking we could mourn the death of our to beloved friends

Moe: Yeah right

Captain: I’m serious

Moe: Oh. Sorry!

Captain: First I think I had better get acquainted with some of the ships controls…

B6B: Okay!

Captain: What does this one do?

B6B: That fires the primary and secondary weapons

Captain: And this?

B6B: That makes the coffee

Captain: And this?

B6B: That’s my hand sir

Captain: Err yes of course. Well I’m going to my room to rest now

Michelle: What you haven’t done anything yet?

Captain: Being captain is harder than I thought!

30 Minutes Later…

In The Captains Room…

Michelle: Ed, I have something to show you

Captain: and ive got something to show you babe!

Michelle: What? No! something else

Captain: oh…what is it?

Michelle: A dvd, B6B just found it shoved down the back of the Sofa in the relaxation room.

Captain: We have a sofa? A relaxation room? Porn? I mean a…dvd?

Michelle: Yeah, shall we see what’s on it?

Captain: Okay take it to the observation room, ill make an announcement for everyone to meet there.

Michelle: Okay!

Intercom: Crew report to the observation room, we have found a video of unknown origins, possibly pornography!

5 seconds Later In The Observation Room…

Captain: Good everyone is here already! Except Andrew, I thought he would wake up if I mentioned pornography. Well let us continue without him!

Video: Hello, this is Justin, if your watching this then I’m already dead. And if I’m not then I have just wasted my time making this. There’s something I have to tell you, if you all want to survive this sci-fi show then you must follow 3 simple rules.

1# Either say nothing, or more than anyone else
2# Trust no-one
3#Pray to God everyday
4# Never say "ill be right back"

Captain: What the hell is he talking about

Video: the last one was a joke, actually they all were, you are all doomed like me mwahaha! Well I hope you miss me anyway, at the end of the tape is a collection of short video skits of myself and Alex for you to watch to remind you how much you miss us.

Paul: Skits?

Video: Hi I’m Alex, knowing Justin I fully expect to die as well, therefore I have included a short message on this dvd. Well I just want you to know I hate you all, see you all in hell!

Paul: Sob Sob. How could you say that? Bastard!

Video: And Now A Collection Of Clips From Justin And Alex’s Life…

Captain: Quick turn it off!

Paul: Why? Are you going to cry?

Captain: No I just don’t want to watch it.

B6B: The jokes have been rather poor today

Captain: What do you expect? We are still suffering over the death of Justin and Alex

Moe: That’s no excuse!

Captain: Your right it isn’t but still…

Moe: Still what?

Captain: Moe ill be in my cold, cold grave before I give in to this argument!

Moe: Don’t you think I’m being serious? Because I’m deadly serious!

Michelle: Shut up with the death jokes, I’m off to watch Six Feet Under see you later!

Grim Reaper: Hi everybody

Crew: Hi Grim Reaper

Grim Reaper: Wait this isn’t right? I’m supposed to be at a McDonalds restaurant where a party of school kids are about to get food poisoning and die.

B6B: Ha!

Captain: B6B wasn’t you going to make a film like that once?

B6B: Oh that? No I was going to have some school kids run over by a lorry or something

Grim Reaper: Ill hold you to that!

R.O.B.E.: Space pod 005 Has Docked In Port Number 3

Captain: I wonder who that could be?

Moe: Its Robert! I mean, I wonder…

R.O.B.E.: Sir he will enter the room in exactly 10 seconds sir

Captain: Good work R.O.B.E. have a team point!

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1

Captain: Where is he then?

R.O.B.E.: Err…wait, wait he’s now coming!

B6B: Finally!

Robert Enters The Room…

Crew: Hi Robert!

Robert: Hi, I’m Robert!

Michelle: Well durr

An Eery Silence Engulfs The Room…

Captain: So Robert…how are you?

Robert: I’m fine.

B6B: How was the journey here?

Robert: Okay. Quite a funny story actually…you see I got in my space pod, I started to fly over here to your ship then I got a phone call off my friend who lives on Yarnellia and they told me that last week they only had breakfast on Tuesday and Friday which I thought was strange because they usually always have breakfast…

Michelle: Err, is this going anywhere? What the hell is the point?

Robert: Point?

Captain: Anyway, as a new crew member of the Starship Beaverprise, you have been assigned your own room, which happens to be Rosemary’s old room, ignore the empty bottles of Whiskey she was a raging alcoholic. We would have cleaned the room up for you but we have been rushed off our feet today.

Robert: That’s okay, I understand. Did I tell you about my feet?

Crew: No

Robert: Quite a funny story really, you see my feet I inherited from my father and he’s an alcoholic, he used to only drink 10 bottles of vodka a day but then it got to around 30 that was around the time he died. Oh that reminded me of a joke.

Captain: A joke? Halleluiah!

Robert: There was a chicken right, he was about 2ft high and 1 ft wide he was yellow in colour and liked chicken feed, his name was Fred he had a girl friend called Francis, one day he left his house and walked into town. He decided that he wanted to cross the road, the road was quite wide it had white and yellow markings along the side of it… so why did the chicken want to cross the road?

Crew: Err…Don’t know!

Robert: To get to the other side! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Silence

Silence

Silence

Silence

Captain: Anyway, let me show you to your room, where you will be spending must of your time hopefully!

Robert: Right, thanks. Within the next few days I will be giving 1 on 1 sessions with you and the other crew members to talk about how the death of your previous captain and doctor has affected you. Oh that reminds me!

Crew: Oh shut up!

Robert: Okay.

Captains Log Star Date 12.5.2: Well this is my second post as captain (today) and I hope whoever is reading this thinks it is as monumental as the last one. Today we had the “pleasure” of meeting Robert our new crew member, he seems nice enough but has he got what it takes to be a LEGEND OF THE STARSHIP BEAVERPRISE, crap sorry I had caps lock on! Thanks for watching, good night, see you next time...there will be a next time right? right? hello?

Finally Logging Out Of R.O.B.E….Please Insert 1 Space Dollar For Vibrate function.