Previously on Beaverprise…
Bloke: The WBF leader has been kidnapped!
Bloke: Jack Beaver,Jr. said he saw two cloaked figures running off with a rather full sack!
Stereotypical Black Son: Damn it! I’ll kill whoever’s kidnapped our father, then ill kill our father for letting it happen!
Informant: Information? What makes you think I’ve got any?
Alex: We come on behalf of Jack Beaver, deceased.
Zip Finnigan: I think we’d better save the fair maiden, Michelle! Come aboard my ship and we shall begin our epic quest. It is what she would have wanted!
The Informant Gives The List Of places In Which Alex And The Captain Have To Travel To, All Of Which Are Close By On The Legendary Planet Dreyson 5!
B6B: Dear God nooooo! It’s a battle royale!
Robert: (gasp) I made pop tarts!
Moe: What?
Robert: I mean, Jane Doe 14 is dead!
Zip Finnigan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The following takes place between 4am and 5am on the day of the California Presidential Primary, which has nothing to do with what you are about to read what so ever!
04:00:00
Zip Finnigan: So Michelle’s really dead then? Nooo!
Robert: No, Jane Doe 14! She is as dead as they come!
Zip Finnigan: Oh thank God! I mean…it could be worse!
Moe: How did she die?
Robert: She was murdered!
Kif: Gasp!
Zip Finnigan: You don’t seem very surprised Kif! Maybe you did it!
Kif: What?
Zip Finnigan: A ha! So you don’t deny it! You murdered her with your murderous hands used for murdering!
Robert: Actually she had a knife in her back! A swiss army knife!
Zip Finnigan: So, it was you Moe! You and your beloved Suzie!
Kif: Suzie?
Zip Finnigan: That’s what he calls it!
Moe: That’s the half truth!
Zip Finnigan: Hmmm it seems we’re not going to settle this here!
Kif: Phew!
Zip Finnigan: So Kif we’ll keep you as our chief suspect until we return to the WBF Headquarters. You shall remain handcuffed to me until the end of the journey!
Kif: Nooooooooooooooo!
04:04:04
On An Uncharted Planet…
Michelle: Why have you kidnapped us you bastard!?!
Bill Clinton Masked Person: For our own personal amusement!
Michelle: Superman! Superman! Help!
Superman Smashes Through The Wall Of The Building…
Superman: What? You freak! Its four o’clock in the morning! Wait a second…your not Louis Lane!
Superman Flies Off…
John Doe 46: I always thought he was poor, and now I know
Bill Clinton Masked Person: Time to…make a video!
John Doe 46: Pornographic?
Bill Clinton Masked Person: Err…no actually! A video to prove your aliveness! Ill speak to you later about the other video though! It could be our next project!
04:09:22
Back On The Zipper Express…
Moe: Such a pointless death!
Robert: Jane Doe 14? I know, it’s tragic isn’t it!
Moe: No, Jane Doe 13! Now that was pointless! Jane Doe 14 seems pre-conceived, but by whom and why?
Zip Finnigan: By Kif of course! I don’t think he could handle the chemistry that we had! So jealousy struck him and he took her life!
Kif: It’s true! (he breaks down in tears) Wait…No it’s not!
Zip Finnigan: Stop crying! Your making my venire uniform wet!
Kif: But I was here the whole time! Surely you remember that Captain and you Moe, you were with us too!
Zip Finnigan: Hmmm….Such thin alibis, how can we believe these lies? Where’s the proof?
Kif: But…But….Sir!
Zip Finnigan: But nothing, Kif! We shall take Jane Doe 14’s cold dead body to the WBF Headquarters, where they shall perform further forensic testing on her to discover the true killer!
04:14:24
On The Uncharted Planet…
Bill Clinton Masked Person: And action!
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle! I’ve been kidnapped, but it’s ok, because I’m still alive…apparently! Well that’s it….
Bill Clinton Masked Person: Cut! I’m sorry, but it doesn’t quite match my original vision of this particular scene, and you in the background you need to be more active! I want to feel your pain, like you’re really dieing of starvation!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Sorry! This mask is limiting my performance! Can I take it off now?
Bill Clinton Masked Person: No! Never! Just think how Jim Carey felt! We’re going for epic here people!
John Doe 46: Hello? Can somebody let me out please? These rats are hungry! What’s going on up there? Is that you Jim Carey?
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) She rubs the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again!
John Doe 46: You bastard! I’ll kill your dog! I’ll break his bastard legs!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Noo! My puppy! Don’t do it to Fluffy! Nooooo!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person Throws A Moth At John Doe 46 Which Incidentally Lodges In His Throat…
John Doe 46: Arggggh! Quick get me to a doctor! I cant breathe, or speak!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice): Ah whatever!
Bill Clinton Masked Person: We had better get him to a hospital he needs to stay alive, we need him for the train crash sequence!
04:23:05
The Zipper Express Arrives At The WBF Headquarters And Docks In The Docking Bay…
Zip Finnigan: We made it at long last!
Moe: Seems kinda quiet!
Zip Finnigan: Maybe they’ve arranged a surprise welcome party for the hero they miss so dearly!
Kif: But they don’t know we’re coming!
Zip Finnigan: Hence the surprise!
They Turn The Corner To Find Tens Of 1000s Of Dead Bodies On The Ground…
Robert: Dear God!
Zip Finnigan: What’s wrong? Haven’t you ever seen a dead body before!
Robert: Yeah, but not tens of 1000s of dead bodies!
Zip Finnigan: Dear God!
Kif: Sir, they appear to be many of our own troops along with an evil Clone Army!
Moe: Look there’s someone here alive!
They All Huddle Round The Body of a WBF Guard…
Zip Finnigan: I think he’s going to say something!
Kif: What? He’s not alive!
Zip Finnigan: Then he’s dead! Kif, what have you done!?!
Moe: Not him! This guy!
They All Turn To The Body Next To The Other Body….
WBF Guard #3: Please kill me! I’ve had this bullet lodged in my head for the last half an hour! I’m in so much pain!
Zip Finnigan: It seems you’re a lousy shot!
Moe: So what happened here?
WBF Guard #3: The Clone Army they….
He Gets Shot In The Chest….
Moe: Noooo! What have you done!?!
Zip Finnigan: Sorry! He needed to die in battle like I would have wanted to!
Moe: But he was going to tell us what happened! The Clone Army and all!
Zip Finnigan: Then we must tread carefully, for who knows what may lay ahead!
They Enter The WBF Headquarters…
B6B: Look it’s Moe and Robert!
Paul: Yeah quick, hide!
Ed: And they’ve brought Zip Finnigan with them!
Moe: Thank God we found you!
Zip Finnigan: Be careful! They may be clones of your dear departed friends!
Ed: Or maybe it is you who are the clones!
Kif: Err….
B6B: What are you doing here?
Moe: After you left the ship lost all power and we became trapped on the Beaverprise!
Zip Finnigan: Luckily I was on hand to rescue your foolish friends from ultimate disaster!
Moe: Though, as soon as we got on his ship Jane Doe 46 was murdered!
Ed: What else happened?
Robert: I made pop tarts!
B6B: We’re receiving a video transmission from an unknown destination!
Ed: Unknown, eh? Let’s take a look!
Video Transmission:
One woman’s epic quest for survival, with some other freak taken for the hell of it, in a world where evil reigns supreme there is little hope left…
Bill Clinton Masked Person: She’s alive! Alive!
Michelle: Will we make it home in time for midnight!
John Doe 46: Help me! Help me God!
Tom Hanks: Michelle, will you marry me?
Michelle: Send 50 million pesetas to this unknown planet or you’ll never see me alive again!
Alan Rickman: You’ll never get away with this! You freak!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Feed me! I’m dieing!
Jim Carey: Somebody stop this!
Credits…
Directorial Debut By Bill Clinton
Produced By Monica Lewinski In Association With Pixar Films
Introduced By John Doe 46
Staring Michelle
Oscar Winning Performance By Monica Lewinski
Filmed On location At Myers 7
Fan Club members: None
Dedicated In Loving Memory To: Somebody Funny
End Of Video Transmission.
Paul: Woo! Brilliant! A modern masterpiece! Bill Clinton is the new Steven Spielberg IV!
04:46:34
At The Hospital At The Unknown Planet. John Doe 46 lies in bed.
Doctor: Well ladies and gentlemen we successfully removed the object from his throat!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) You removed what now?
Doctor: His tongue, of course!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) What about the moth?
Doctor: I’m sorry, we couldn’t save it
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Noooooo!
Doctor: Well, we had better leave him to rest now
Just As They Have Left The Room A Shadowy Figure Enters…
Shadowy Figure: Hello Mr Doe 46
John Doe 46: Mmmph
Shadowy Figure: I have a present for you, from Uncle Sam! Moowahahahaha!
The Shadowy Figure Grabs A Pillow And Forces it Onto John Doe 46’s Face And Suffocates Him…To The Death
The Shadowy Figure Leaves The Room…
Doctor: Visitors already?
Shadowy Figure: Err yeah!
Doctor: And who are you?
Shadowy Figure: I’m Maximus, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife and I will have my revenge in this life or the next!
Doctor: Well, it was nice to meet you! Bye!
04:54:01
At The WBF…
Moe: So….
John Doe 47: Alright!
B6B: Where the hell did you come from!?!
John Doe 47: John Doe 46 has been murdered!
Zip Finnigan: But Kif has been here the whole time!
Paul: But wasn’t he in that epic we just watched?
Ed: Yes, which means that our beloved Michelle may be next!
Zip Finnigan: Then we must save her before it is too late!
Ed: Alright calm down!
Robert: So many murders! So little time!
Paul: What? We’ve got ages! 19 hours in fact!
Zip Finnigan: I think we shall need the help of my former military veteran friend, Max Baxter!
B6B: Baxter? Ha!
Zip Finnigan: We shall wait for him here until he arrives and then our epic quest to save Michelle shall begin!
Paul: Hooray!
04:59:50
Alex: So, do you think there’s enough time for us to say anything?
04:59:57…04:59:58…04:59:59
05:00:00
Bloke: The WBF leader has been kidnapped!
Bloke: Jack Beaver,Jr. said he saw two cloaked figures running off with a rather full sack!
Stereotypical Black Son: Damn it! I’ll kill whoever’s kidnapped our father, then ill kill our father for letting it happen!
Informant: Information? What makes you think I’ve got any?
Alex: We come on behalf of Jack Beaver, deceased.
Zip Finnigan: I think we’d better save the fair maiden, Michelle! Come aboard my ship and we shall begin our epic quest. It is what she would have wanted!
The Informant Gives The List Of places In Which Alex And The Captain Have To Travel To, All Of Which Are Close By On The Legendary Planet Dreyson 5!
B6B: Dear God nooooo! It’s a battle royale!
Robert: (gasp) I made pop tarts!
Moe: What?
Robert: I mean, Jane Doe 14 is dead!
Zip Finnigan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The following takes place between 4am and 5am on the day of the California Presidential Primary, which has nothing to do with what you are about to read what so ever!
04:00:00
Zip Finnigan: So Michelle’s really dead then? Nooo!
Robert: No, Jane Doe 14! She is as dead as they come!
Zip Finnigan: Oh thank God! I mean…it could be worse!
Moe: How did she die?
Robert: She was murdered!
Kif: Gasp!
Zip Finnigan: You don’t seem very surprised Kif! Maybe you did it!
Kif: What?
Zip Finnigan: A ha! So you don’t deny it! You murdered her with your murderous hands used for murdering!
Robert: Actually she had a knife in her back! A swiss army knife!
Zip Finnigan: So, it was you Moe! You and your beloved Suzie!
Kif: Suzie?
Zip Finnigan: That’s what he calls it!
Moe: That’s the half truth!
Zip Finnigan: Hmmm it seems we’re not going to settle this here!
Kif: Phew!
Zip Finnigan: So Kif we’ll keep you as our chief suspect until we return to the WBF Headquarters. You shall remain handcuffed to me until the end of the journey!
Kif: Nooooooooooooooo!
04:04:04
On An Uncharted Planet…
Michelle: Why have you kidnapped us you bastard!?!
Bill Clinton Masked Person: For our own personal amusement!
Michelle: Superman! Superman! Help!
Superman Smashes Through The Wall Of The Building…
Superman: What? You freak! Its four o’clock in the morning! Wait a second…your not Louis Lane!
Superman Flies Off…
John Doe 46: I always thought he was poor, and now I know
Bill Clinton Masked Person: Time to…make a video!
John Doe 46: Pornographic?
Bill Clinton Masked Person: Err…no actually! A video to prove your aliveness! Ill speak to you later about the other video though! It could be our next project!
04:09:22
Back On The Zipper Express…
Moe: Such a pointless death!
Robert: Jane Doe 14? I know, it’s tragic isn’t it!
Moe: No, Jane Doe 13! Now that was pointless! Jane Doe 14 seems pre-conceived, but by whom and why?
Zip Finnigan: By Kif of course! I don’t think he could handle the chemistry that we had! So jealousy struck him and he took her life!
Kif: It’s true! (he breaks down in tears) Wait…No it’s not!
Zip Finnigan: Stop crying! Your making my venire uniform wet!
Kif: But I was here the whole time! Surely you remember that Captain and you Moe, you were with us too!
Zip Finnigan: Hmmm….Such thin alibis, how can we believe these lies? Where’s the proof?
Kif: But…But….Sir!
Zip Finnigan: But nothing, Kif! We shall take Jane Doe 14’s cold dead body to the WBF Headquarters, where they shall perform further forensic testing on her to discover the true killer!
04:14:24
On The Uncharted Planet…
Bill Clinton Masked Person: And action!
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle! I’ve been kidnapped, but it’s ok, because I’m still alive…apparently! Well that’s it….
Bill Clinton Masked Person: Cut! I’m sorry, but it doesn’t quite match my original vision of this particular scene, and you in the background you need to be more active! I want to feel your pain, like you’re really dieing of starvation!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Sorry! This mask is limiting my performance! Can I take it off now?
Bill Clinton Masked Person: No! Never! Just think how Jim Carey felt! We’re going for epic here people!
John Doe 46: Hello? Can somebody let me out please? These rats are hungry! What’s going on up there? Is that you Jim Carey?
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) She rubs the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again!
John Doe 46: You bastard! I’ll kill your dog! I’ll break his bastard legs!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Noo! My puppy! Don’t do it to Fluffy! Nooooo!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person Throws A Moth At John Doe 46 Which Incidentally Lodges In His Throat…
John Doe 46: Arggggh! Quick get me to a doctor! I cant breathe, or speak!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice): Ah whatever!
Bill Clinton Masked Person: We had better get him to a hospital he needs to stay alive, we need him for the train crash sequence!
04:23:05
The Zipper Express Arrives At The WBF Headquarters And Docks In The Docking Bay…
Zip Finnigan: We made it at long last!
Moe: Seems kinda quiet!
Zip Finnigan: Maybe they’ve arranged a surprise welcome party for the hero they miss so dearly!
Kif: But they don’t know we’re coming!
Zip Finnigan: Hence the surprise!
They Turn The Corner To Find Tens Of 1000s Of Dead Bodies On The Ground…
Robert: Dear God!
Zip Finnigan: What’s wrong? Haven’t you ever seen a dead body before!
Robert: Yeah, but not tens of 1000s of dead bodies!
Zip Finnigan: Dear God!
Kif: Sir, they appear to be many of our own troops along with an evil Clone Army!
Moe: Look there’s someone here alive!
They All Huddle Round The Body of a WBF Guard…
Zip Finnigan: I think he’s going to say something!
Kif: What? He’s not alive!
Zip Finnigan: Then he’s dead! Kif, what have you done!?!
Moe: Not him! This guy!
They All Turn To The Body Next To The Other Body….
WBF Guard #3: Please kill me! I’ve had this bullet lodged in my head for the last half an hour! I’m in so much pain!
Zip Finnigan: It seems you’re a lousy shot!
Moe: So what happened here?
WBF Guard #3: The Clone Army they….
He Gets Shot In The Chest….
Moe: Noooo! What have you done!?!
Zip Finnigan: Sorry! He needed to die in battle like I would have wanted to!
Moe: But he was going to tell us what happened! The Clone Army and all!
Zip Finnigan: Then we must tread carefully, for who knows what may lay ahead!
They Enter The WBF Headquarters…
B6B: Look it’s Moe and Robert!
Paul: Yeah quick, hide!
Ed: And they’ve brought Zip Finnigan with them!
Moe: Thank God we found you!
Zip Finnigan: Be careful! They may be clones of your dear departed friends!
Ed: Or maybe it is you who are the clones!
Kif: Err….
B6B: What are you doing here?
Moe: After you left the ship lost all power and we became trapped on the Beaverprise!
Zip Finnigan: Luckily I was on hand to rescue your foolish friends from ultimate disaster!
Moe: Though, as soon as we got on his ship Jane Doe 46 was murdered!
Ed: What else happened?
Robert: I made pop tarts!
B6B: We’re receiving a video transmission from an unknown destination!
Ed: Unknown, eh? Let’s take a look!
Video Transmission:
One woman’s epic quest for survival, with some other freak taken for the hell of it, in a world where evil reigns supreme there is little hope left…
Bill Clinton Masked Person: She’s alive! Alive!
Michelle: Will we make it home in time for midnight!
John Doe 46: Help me! Help me God!
Tom Hanks: Michelle, will you marry me?
Michelle: Send 50 million pesetas to this unknown planet or you’ll never see me alive again!
Alan Rickman: You’ll never get away with this! You freak!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Feed me! I’m dieing!
Jim Carey: Somebody stop this!
Credits…
Directorial Debut By Bill Clinton
Produced By Monica Lewinski In Association With Pixar Films
Introduced By John Doe 46
Staring Michelle
Oscar Winning Performance By Monica Lewinski
Filmed On location At Myers 7
Fan Club members: None
Dedicated In Loving Memory To: Somebody Funny
End Of Video Transmission.
Paul: Woo! Brilliant! A modern masterpiece! Bill Clinton is the new Steven Spielberg IV!
04:46:34
At The Hospital At The Unknown Planet. John Doe 46 lies in bed.
Doctor: Well ladies and gentlemen we successfully removed the object from his throat!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) You removed what now?
Doctor: His tongue, of course!
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) What about the moth?
Doctor: I’m sorry, we couldn’t save it
Monica Lewinski Masked Person: (gruff voice) Noooooo!
Doctor: Well, we had better leave him to rest now
Just As They Have Left The Room A Shadowy Figure Enters…
Shadowy Figure: Hello Mr Doe 46
John Doe 46: Mmmph
Shadowy Figure: I have a present for you, from Uncle Sam! Moowahahahaha!
The Shadowy Figure Grabs A Pillow And Forces it Onto John Doe 46’s Face And Suffocates Him…To The Death
The Shadowy Figure Leaves The Room…
Doctor: Visitors already?
Shadowy Figure: Err yeah!
Doctor: And who are you?
Shadowy Figure: I’m Maximus, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife and I will have my revenge in this life or the next!
Doctor: Well, it was nice to meet you! Bye!
04:54:01
At The WBF…
Moe: So….
John Doe 47: Alright!
B6B: Where the hell did you come from!?!
John Doe 47: John Doe 46 has been murdered!
Zip Finnigan: But Kif has been here the whole time!
Paul: But wasn’t he in that epic we just watched?
Ed: Yes, which means that our beloved Michelle may be next!
Zip Finnigan: Then we must save her before it is too late!
Ed: Alright calm down!
Robert: So many murders! So little time!
Paul: What? We’ve got ages! 19 hours in fact!
Zip Finnigan: I think we shall need the help of my former military veteran friend, Max Baxter!
B6B: Baxter? Ha!
Zip Finnigan: We shall wait for him here until he arrives and then our epic quest to save Michelle shall begin!
Paul: Hooray!
04:59:50
Alex: So, do you think there’s enough time for us to say anything?
04:59:57…04:59:58…04:59:59
05:00:00
